Dress For Success
As the kickoff to our Guide to Opening Day 2009, we are going to talk about fashion. I hate to go all Queer Eye on you guys, but what you wear matters. It matters for comfort, it matters for fandom, it matters for not looking like a douchebag, it matters for many reasons. That's why I'm here, to guide you. That's why this is a guide.
Hats are cool and they are almost a requirement for a baseball fan to wear to a game. It's pretty hard to mess up wearing a baseball cap. Yet, somehow thousands of douchebags do it every day. Here's a list of a few classic DON'Ts.
DON'T WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE THIS
Straight or backwards. That's it, no exceptions (notable exception: Rerun, if Rerun is going to the game he can wear his hat sideways. Nobody else.). Especially don't do that thing where the hat is like "resting" on the top of your head showing off all your stupid hair. I really hate that.
WEAR A FITTED HAT
Unless it's like a really cool design retro hat, your hat better be fitted. If you read this site and you wear a Brewers hat that you got free with an oil change, you are not allowed to read this site anymore. I'm not kidding. Leave. Now.
DON'T EVEN CONSIDER THIS
I will forfeit my season tickets to punch you in the face. I am not even kidding. I don't care how good it looks with your new Ryan Braun t-shirt.
Much of this is covered in our classic post, Let's Talk About Jerseys, but today we'll extend a bit further. For starters...
DON'T WEAR ONE OF THOSE RYAN BRAUN SHIRTS
(see what I did there?)
Or your Affliction shirt. I know, you work out and you want to prove to everyone that you have muscles and stuff. This doesn't change the fact that you look like a total d-bag.
TO THE LADIES: DRESS ATTRACTIVELY
I don't even really feel like I need to say this because I am on record as saying every girl looks about 5x hotter in Brewers gear, but it's Good Friday so you never know.
THE RULE OF JERSEYS
The rule of jerseys is this: if you have a jersey with a player's name on it and that player is now on another team you cannot wear that jersey anymore. If that player is retired, you can. Molitor, in. Sabathia, out.
NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WEAR A JERSEY WITH YOUR OWN NAME ON IT
This is more of a general warning. Last year on Opening Day I wore sandals. It was a nice day and I found the sandals to be quite comfortable. However, what I failed to account for is the consequence of a sellout crowd where virtually everyone in attendance showed up early to tailgate. I do not like other people's piss on my bare feet. This season, I'm wearing shoes.
- If you have kids, please make them wear this:
- If at all possible, shave something into your chest like my man Jim.
- If you're going to wear a novelty costume make it cool. Human keg is kinda lame, but acceptable. Lucha libre mask is not (sorry guy). Use your best judgement here and ask all your friends before you do it. Let's make it a rule of three, if three people say it's stupid then it's stupid.
“I was surprised. I thought I was getting ready for the season. I never thought that I wasn’t going to be playing with the Detroit Tigers this year. It’s probably a blessing.”
1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false: Despite his denials, we knew his career was over.
2. refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4. an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable.
Only ONE relevant Brewers link today because it's the only one that matters to me.
The Dugout's Brewers Preview: The Dugout is pretty much my favorite thing in the world. There is a strong chance that this site wouldn't exist without my discovery of The Dugout via Deadspin. Good thing? Bad thing? Who knows. There's just something about Trevor Hoffman being drunk talking about Wilco that is right in my wheelhouse.
Pretty much everyone has already had their fantasy drafts for the season. I've actually had two and Mike Cameron is on my team in both of them (this is a good thing). Why stop at fantasy though? I've also entered the Home Run Derby (tip: CHRIS DAVIS) and the Vegas Watch MLB Totals contest (tip: Besides the Brewers O80.5? LA Angels U89.5.) Then I'll probably do all the games at MLB.com (Beat the Streak, Home Run Beat the Streak and Survivor). What can I say? I love baseball.
And I'm single.
We're done for the week here barring anything world changing. Started Monday we will begin our Guide to Opening Day series where we will cover such topics as: "What to do if girls are coming", "Dress for Success" and "To bong or not to bong?" as well as some stuff about baseball. Should be fun and we'll have you ready in time for that first home game, which is now only 14 days away. That's seven less than last week.
I don't know what you have planned, but I'm starting early tonight with the intention of going down early. Will this happen? Probably not. It never does.
Have fun out there, and keep it real.