Archive for April, 2009

What Yovani Gallardo’s start and home run mean

Baseball April 9th, 2009


Carlos Who?

Last night could have been one of the most important starts in the history of baseball. The implications of Yovani Gallardo's performance and three run homer may lead to the end of global warming, world peace and an end to the crime against humanity that is the seventh inning beer sale cutoff. Last night's start was the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. This is not to say that the Brewers clinched a playoff spot last night and that Gallardo clinched a Cy Young, it's just that if this is the pitcher we are getting this season those things become a hell of a lot more likely. In fact here's a list of other things that become a hell of a lot more likely:

  • Ken Macha looking like a genius
  • Jack Zdurencik looking like even more of a genius
  • Jet packs
  • First black president
  • Two chicks at the same time
  • University of Wisconsin becoming the new ASU
  • Carlos Zambrano becoming irrelevant
  • People forgetting all about that fat guy

Basically, instead of all that giant squid crap Ozymandias should have just waited until Gallardo was born, got hurt and then returned to hit a home run off Randy Johnson.

Guide to Opening Day: To Bong or Not to Bong?

Beer April 9th, 2009

Miller Park Drunk Guide To Opening Day

To Bong or Not to Bong?: A guide to getting drunk

"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting

Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.

Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.

Read the rest of this entry »

JS Flub of the Day

Baseball April 9th, 2009

Today's winner is Tom H. It's always good to recommend watching something when you're not sure if you can actually watch it.

This game also is being televised on the new MLB Network as its first broadcast of "Thursday Night Baseball." Now, I have no idea what the black-out policy is of that network, so it might not be available in Milwaukee. If any of you faithful followers of the Brewers Blog have that info, feel free to post it.

Make a phone call!

Keys to the Game: 4/8/09 Brewers vs Giants

Baseball, Miller Park April 8th, 2009

JOHNSON SUSPENDEDBrewers @ San Francisco Giants 4/8/09
Randy Johnson vs Yovanni Gallardo
9:15 PM CST

Keys to the Game

  • Throw pitches for strikes that the Giants do not hit.
  • Hit the baseball fair in places where there is no one to catch it. Preferably out of the field of play.
  • Do not start Jeff Suppan.

Guide to Opening Day: Gloves

Fans April 8th, 2009

Miller Park Drunk Guide To Opening Day


Brewers logo


Adult wearing baseball glove

Seriously, you are a grown man. I don't care if the ball breaks every bone in your hand and you end up looking like the cab driver in Adventures in Babysitting, you cannot under any circumstances wear a glove to a baseabll game.