|/steps off the plane in Minnesota|
|Where the F are we?|
|The itinerary says "Minn-ass-atah".|
|Where is that, freakin' Japan?|
|No, "Minn-AH-So-Tah". You know, 'Discover Minnesota' like in the commercials they show during our games.|
|You watch TV during our games?|
|Whoa, what's the deal with all these white people? I feel like the Jackie Robinson of Minnesota tourism.|
|Yeah and did you notice how things are sort of "blue collar" here?|
|And there is a surprising amount of overweight people?|
|Talk about a bizarro world.|
|Yeah and did you see all these purple jerseys? It's almost like the people who live here care more about their NFL team than their baseball team.|
|DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO|
|And what is the deal with all these lakes? It's like every time you turn around, there's another lake.|
|The road is long with many a winding turn. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.|
|If I can be serious for a moment, I bet some of the population says things like "yah hey dare" and "doncha know?"|
|I bet the people here hate the Chicago Bears.|
|I bet in the winter time it is easier to find fresh venison than a good plate of caviar and that it's always easier to find a good microbrew than a nice bottle of wine.|
|I bet the amount of liberals and conservatives is evenly distributed, but for some reason most of the liberals live in a specific area of the state.|
|I bet the fall is beautiful, the winters too long and the summers too short.|
|Seriously Ken, this place is freaking me out. I'm a hitting coach, get me out of here!|
|Yeah, it's nothing like Wisconsin. We need to hightail it out. Screw our record, this is about SURVIVAL.|
|Don't worry guys, I'll take care of everything.|
I'm off for the long Memorial Day weekend. A little too much going on around these parts. Here's my advice for what to do this weekend: party. And drink.
That is all. Go Brewers.
I tell you what, I done been in this here Major Leagues for a long time and if there is one thing I can't stands it's people disrespectin' me. Hell, I done lost 31 games in two seasons back in Seattle. I knows about some disrespect, I got plenty of it from dem damn hippies that frequent Mariner games (and they say Wrigley Field is the world's largest queer bar.)
/spits chewing tobacco
You ask me, dem Brewers is just about the most disrespectful team in the National League with their high fivin' and untuckin' and struttin' round the bases like they in first place or something. I don't mind them hittin' me so much, I just hate that shirt untuckin' so darn much.
/drives pick up truck
Hell, my daddy didn't take his shirt off when he got off work. He didn't even wear a shirt! Hardly could, most days it was hotter than two rats bangin' in a wool sock! You don't see me and my teammates comin' to the ball game with no shirts on.
/listens to Lynyrd Skynyrd
Course none of this would matter if we could just beat them sumbitches to shut em up once and for good. I try to tell em we need to get out there and beat em, hell I'm serious as the business end of a .45 and we still lose. I just don't know what it is about them Brewers, but we can't lick em.
But just cuz we ain't beat em yet, don't mean we're gun quit tryin. These colors don't run and I'm gonna get me some Brewers come hell or high water. That boy Mike Cameron better watch out too, cuz I hate that shirt untuckin' business and I know it was his idea. I'm comin' for that son of a gun.
/trims beard, finds a frenchy fry