|I know [Melvin] is trying to make our ballclub better. I know he recognizes the importance of making a move and making it soon. But at the same time, I think everybody's recognized there's a lot of teams that are still in th--|
|Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that, eh. Please, continue. You were sayin' something about how you think I should do my job eh?|
|What's the matter? Oh, y-you were finished eh? Oh, well allow me to retort!
What does Bernie Brewer look like?
|/flips over bench
What country you from?
|"What" ain't no country I ever heard of, eh! And I would know aboot a country called "What", eh. They speak English in "What"?!|
|ENGLISH RYAN BRAUN DO YOU SPEAK IT EH?|
|Then you know what I'm saying? Describe what Bernie Brewer LOOKS like, eh!|
|/points mustache at Braun
Say what again. I dare you, I double dare you motherf@%&r say what one more goddamn time, eh!
|Go on, eh.|
|He has a big yellow mustache.|
|Does he bring joy to children?|
|/slaps Braun with mustache
DOES HE BRING JOY TO KIDS, EH!?
|Then why you trying to f@%& that up? Why you trying to demoralize the people in the organization at a time when we should be pulling together. It puts a bad taste in our mouths.|
|Yes you did. Yes. You. Did, Ryan. You tried to demoralize people in the organization and Bernie Brewer don't like to be f'd by anybody except Mrs. Brewer.
Do you read the Journal Sentinel Ryan?
|God, why? The Bible is so much better. There's this passage I've got memorized, sorta fits the occassion.|
|No, that's not even a real passage, eh. It's Deuteronomy 21:18-21.|
|"Suppose a man has a stubborn, rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother, even though they discipline him. In such cases, the father and mother must take the son before the leaders of the town. They must declare: 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey. He is a worthless drunkard.' Then all the men of the town must stone him to death." Eh.
That's kind of insane.
I think I know what I have to do.
Ryan Braun enters the locker room carrying a large box.
|/throws Remetee shirts in the air
Free shirts for everybody! Even you Mike Burns and Seth McClung!
/walks the Earth like Caine
|/dies of autoerotic fatality|
Hey, you. Mark Burns? I'm sorry, Mike Burns. Listen Mark, I want to talk to you about your pitching. It's not good. I'm just going to come right out and tell you right now that if Dave Bush comes back from the DL, I am sending you down to the minors. We're also looking into some trades right now and if we find the right fit, we will demote you. Just wanted to let you know.
Same goes for you too Seth. We probably won't release you or send you to the minors, but you're definitely out of the rotation. I won't have it. I might actually decide to trade you if you keep this up. Just so you know, nothing personal. I just find you to be a terrible pitcher and don't really like you as a person. Nothing personal though.
Hey Mr. Mustache, are you going to make a freakin' trade or what? Do I have to do everything for myself around here? Get me some help. We can't spot every team four run leads. Seriously, how hard is your job? Pick up the phone and do something.
Prince, put that down. Don't eat that. Dammit man, we're All-Stars. Eat like one. I don't care if it's a veggie burger, Krispy Kremes are not buns.
What are you looking at Corey? Why don't you get a freakin' haircut and shave your face? You're a Milwaukee Brewer, not a Milwaukee Meth Cook.
Yo A-Dub, cool shirt. With that being said, learn how to write would you? You misspelled home run last week. I don't need that.
'Oh look at me, I'm Casey McGehee. I'm getting all these hits, but I can't even play the field.' Come on, man. Even I can play third base better than you.
Speaking of third base, where's Bill Hall? He better be in the batting cage so help me God.
Hey Jeff Suppan just wanted to congratulate you on pitching so well for the first time in your life. Great work.
You guys know what would be cool to have on our team? A pitcher that hits like a pitcher batting 8th. Oh wait we already have that. His name is Jason Kendall. Nevermind.
Macha take Willie with you and go get my dry cleaning. It's the least you could do to help this team.
I love the Milwaukee Brewers, obviously, but for some reason the team seems to be obsessed with creating a "Miller Park South" environment at Wrigley Field whenever the Brewers go down to play the Cubs. To me, this makes absolutely no sense at all. First of all, why encourage people to spend money on tickets to go to Wrigley Field? For the price of ONE Cubs game a smart fan can probably go to two or three Brewers games. Second of all, Miller Park is an amazing place to watch baseball and it is a well built, safe, comfortable building. Why would you want to tarnish it's name by calling a dump like Wrigley Field the same name, only South? It does not make any sense.
I can hear you so-called baseball purists out there right now, "Wrigley Field is a magical place to watch a baseball game! and "Wrigley Field has a storied history, Babe Ruth played there!" To which I say, big freaking deal. Do you know what I like in a ballpark? The ability to pee, that's what. I like to go to the bathroom and not have to worry about missing three innings, having someone staring at my junk because we're so close our arms are interlocked, getting stage fright or being stuck at the end of the trough that some asshole puking in the toilet splashes his puke on my leg (all things that have happened to me at Wrigley Field, by the way). Do you know what I like in a ballpark? Not having concrete fall on my head, that's what. Oh there is a net protecting me from falling debris? That will save me, nevermind. Do you know what I like to run into when I go to a game? Short concession lines. Oh, and something actually good to eat. Can someone explain to me how the Cubs sell out every home game yet the pizza always tastes five days old? Is this a "Chicago thing"? Do people in Chicago like their Old Style cold, their sports teams terrible and their pizza tasting like it's five days old? I feel like there should be forensic scientists studying stuff like this. There is one more thing I like when I go to a baseball game, the ability to WATCH THE GAME. John Kruk has a better view of his feet than you have of the field from most seats in Wrigley Field, but don't listen to me I'll let a Cubs fan tell you:
What seats have obstructed view at Wrigley Field?
Most of them! Most of the seats in the 200 and 500 level have poles in your way. The 200 level is some of the worst seats in baseball.
(Tickets in the 200 level for tomorrow's game? Between $50-$200. Wrigley Field, ladies and gentleman!)
(In Wrigley Field's defense at least they have those TV screens so you can see what you missed from your obstructed seats. Wait, what? They don't!?)
Oh, but I am sure I am being too hard on Wrigley Field. I mean, you don't go to Wrigley Field to watch baseball, eat, pee, or drink. No, you go to Wrigley Field to EXPERIENCE it, to breathe in the history. That's what you do right? You want to be in the same place that Rogers Hornsby and Babe Ruth and Jody Davis once played in. You go there as much for the history of the park as anything else, but if we could let's be serious for a moment. What history? What history are you talking about? The Cubs started playing in Wrigley Field in 1916. Since then they have played .491 ball, made 12 postseasons (which came 38 years apart at one point) and won exactly 0 World Series. History, schmistory.
If Cubs fans knew what was good for them they'd burn that place to the ground. And if the Brewers knew what was good for them, they'd stop with all this "Miller Park South" crap. If they want to create a truly memorable fan experience they will do whatever it takes to keep Brewers fans out of that pissbucket and inside Miller Park. Unless, of course, the memories they want to imprint on Brewers fans are those of urinary tract infections, diarrhea and 20 minutes of watching baseball combined with two and a half hours of waiting in line. I'm assuming they don't.
Trust me people, save your time and save your money. Stay the hell away from Wrigley Field.
I wanna trade right now
I'm Doug Melv and I came to get down
I'm not internationally known,
but I'm known to rock the trade phones
Because I get stoopid, I mean outrageous
Stay away from me, if you want Gamel
Cause I'm the winner, no, I'm not the loser
To be a G.M., is what I choose a'
Players love me, fans adore me
Even the ones that never saw me
Like the way that I traded for King
The reason why? Man, I don't know
So, let's go cause
It takes two to make a trade go down,
It takes two to make it outta sight