Are you a grown man who - despite being 43-years old, diabetic, wholly devoid of coordination and flirting with morbid obesity - is still holding onto an outside hope of one day becoming a big league player? Do you perhaps have some type of mental handicap that goes undetected by those around you because you appear to be just another guy to the naked eye? Are you so saddened by the empty shell your life has become that you consider the idea of sharing a hotel room with a like-minded stranger and playing adult baseball scrimmages to be a temporary escape from the hellish monotony you call everyday existence? Do you have NOTHING better to spend $4138.97 of your hard-earned cash on? Are you just plain pathetic?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, the Milwaukee Brewers have just the thing for you! From January 29 to February 5, YOU can be flown to Arizona and embarrassingly pretend to be a Brewers player thanks to Brewers Fantasy Camp. According to a press release, "[The camp] GIVES YOU THE CHANCE TO WORK AS HARD ON THE FIELD AS YOU DO ON THE JOB. (OK. MAYBE HARDER!)"
Whoa! All caps! Color me intrigued.
But if neither my rousing introduction nor the team's promise of charging you thousands of dollars to make you work harder than you do at your job is enough to grab you, just look at some of the other benefits available to you.
Daily hot breakfast at the hotel.
Instant oatmeal probably falls under this category.
Instruction and coaching from Brewers legends including: Jim Gantner, Gorman Thomas, Greg Vaughn, Dale Sveum, Jerry Augustine and Ed Sedar.
Jim Gantner's instruction: "When playing second base, it's important to stay put for 17 straight seasons so fans can be fooled into loving you, despite your marginal talent."
Greg Vaughn's instruction: "Spend your money wisely or you'll have to spend your winters telling dorks to choke up."
Jerry Augustine's instruction: "Haven't ... slept ... in ... so ... long! Please kill me!"
Two games daily, coached by Brewers legends at Maryvale Baseball complex.
Happy hour nightly at hotel.
Daily newsletter with stats and info.
Hmmm... I don't know if I see fantasy baseball campers as the newsletter and stat-enjoying type. But maybe one of these stone cold jocks will take something from the documented integers.
Ultimate fantasy game against the pros on Saturday.
Personally, grounding out to Ed Sedar is like 8th on my bucket list. Number 7 is "Revise bucket list."
Pre-game introductions on the field before a Brewers game at Miller Park.
I can imagine it now...
"And now we'll forgo our National Anthem to, instead, show you a dozen yuppie douche bags who gave us money this off season. Thanks for falling for it, guys! Good sports, good sports. Alright, bring on this Tuesday afternoon Brewers and Nationals game!"
What could be better than making a goat out of a Waukesha-based Human Resources Manager with a glandular disorder whom you met two days earlier because he didn't run out a ground ball? It's just like the real big leaguers do. Then again, if "Slam Manny Parra against a dugout wall" was part of this, I'd consider going.
Free memorabilia and autographs from the pros.
Great as he was in the '70s and '80s, a Gorman Thomas signed batting glove isn't worth the space in your carry on bag, let alone high billing on an advertisement for a fantasy camp.
Professional massage therapist available nightly.
How many happy endings each night would make up for the sad beginnings and disappointing middle provided by each day of camp? There isn't enough Jergens in the world to find out.
So if this opportunity seems enticing enough to at least slightly delay your own suicide by pills, order now! This could be your only chance to get hitting instruction from Greg Vaughn... though I've heard he'll lend a few fielding tips if you buy him Quizno's.