02
Dec 11

Remetee: MPD Point-Counterpoint

Vince: You know what's really awesome about Ryan Braun? He invented Remetee. You know Remetee, right? Those really cool, really hip and really sexy t-shirts from the makers of Affliction. At first I was like "you know these shirts are kind of douche-y," but then one day I was shopping at my local mall and I decided to bite the bullet and try one of these things on. I mean, Braun did such a good job with Limelight Fusion Drinks that I figured that these shirts had to be good too and boy am I glad that I did. I don't think I'm crazy when I say that these shirts are AWESOME!

You know how Ryan Braun is the best baseball player on the planet? Well these t-shirts are like the Ryan Braun of shirts. I am not talking about just t-shirts either. These shirts are the Ryan Braun of ALL shirts. That includes sweatshirts, v-necks, polos, long sleeves, thermals, long sleeve polos, tank tops and even sweaters too. These shirts are just that good. They're better than dress shirts, crew, button ups, undershirts and even coats. I know a coat isn't technically a shirt, but they really are that good. It's like wearing Ryan Braun's skin, only not creepy. You know?

Seriously, I think everyone should wear Remetee everyday.

Tyler: You raise some good points, Vince. I, too, strive to wear Ryan Braun's skin (maniacal glare). But I raise this counterpoint.
Look at this thing. Just as the mighty mythical Achilles had a vulnerable heel, in the same way Foo Fighters have the song "Learn To Fly" in its catalog, Ryan Braun has one glaring weakness in his otherwise perfect makeup of skill, athleticism, instinct, handsomeness, fame, savvy and wealth... style.

I want to think Braun founded Remetee to serve as a dummy corporation to help launder money from his human trafficking business. It's that bad. But sadly, I think Braunie intentionally set out to cram an assload of skulls, daggers and Medieval goblets into any stylistic crevice Mr. Edward Hardy hadn't already filled. Judging by the 75 percent discount on most shirts, it seems as if douchebags don't even like these shirts. Yeah, Criss Angel probably owns one, but he only uses it to wipe up when his albino iguana sprays cake on his custom-made massage table.

The worst part of all this what Remetee tries to sell these cloth-trocities for. Most were originally $80 to $100. Then, they were marked down to $69 (Ha! Classic. Sweet price, brah!). Suddenly, these puppies are retailing for $17.25. Though it'd be easy to blame the economy, global warming, Scott Walker or Coca-Cola's failed attempt at a white can, the blame falls squarely on Remetee's style, or lack thereof. If I want a too-tight v-neck depicting a high Zulu priest sodomizing a dragon on the surface of the moon, I'll buy it at a thrift store like anyone else. Bad shirts lose their ironic appeal when the buyer spends more than $3 for them.

Besides, if you're seeking a garment with only slight implicit connection to the Brewers, there are better and cheaper options out there.