Archive for 2011

Remetee: MPD Point-Counterpoint

Baseball December 2nd, 2011

Vince: You know what's really awesome about Ryan Braun? He invented Remetee. You know Remetee, right? Those really cool, really hip and really sexy t-shirts from the makers of Affliction. At first I was like "you know these shirts are kind of douche-y," but then one day I was shopping at my local mall and I decided to bite the bullet and try one of these things on. I mean, Braun did such a good job with Limelight Fusion Drinks that I figured that these shirts had to be good too and boy am I glad that I did. I don't think I'm crazy when I say that these shirts are AWESOME!

You know how Ryan Braun is the best baseball player on the planet? Well these t-shirts are like the Ryan Braun of shirts. I am not talking about just t-shirts either. These shirts are the Ryan Braun of ALL shirts. That includes sweatshirts, v-necks, polos, long sleeves, thermals, long sleeve polos, tank tops and even sweaters too. These shirts are just that good. They're better than dress shirts, crew, button ups, undershirts and even coats. I know a coat isn't technically a shirt, but they really are that good. It's like wearing Ryan Braun's skin, only not creepy. You know?

Seriously, I think everyone should wear Remetee everyday.

Tyler: You raise some good points, Vince. I, too, strive to wear Ryan Braun's skin (maniacal glare). But I raise this counterpoint.
Look at this thing. Just as the mighty mythical Achilles had a vulnerable heel, in the same way Foo Fighters have the song "Learn To Fly" in its catalog, Ryan Braun has one glaring weakness in his otherwise perfect makeup of skill, athleticism, instinct, handsomeness, fame, savvy and wealth... style.

I want to think Braun founded Remetee to serve as a dummy corporation to help launder money from his human trafficking business. It's that bad. But sadly, I think Braunie intentionally set out to cram an assload of skulls, daggers and Medieval goblets into any stylistic crevice Mr. Edward Hardy hadn't already filled. Judging by the 75 percent discount on most shirts, it seems as if douchebags don't even like these shirts. Yeah, Criss Angel probably owns one, but he only uses it to wipe up when his albino iguana sprays cake on his custom-made massage table.

The worst part of all this what Remetee tries to sell these cloth-trocities for. Most were originally $80 to $100. Then, they were marked down to $69 (Ha! Classic. Sweet price, brah!). Suddenly, these puppies are retailing for $17.25. Though it'd be easy to blame the economy, global warming, Scott Walker or Coca-Cola's failed attempt at a white can, the blame falls squarely on Remetee's style, or lack thereof. If I want a too-tight v-neck depicting a high Zulu priest sodomizing a dragon on the surface of the moon, I'll buy it at a thrift store like anyone else. Bad shirts lose their ironic appeal when the buyer spends more than $3 for them.

Besides, if you're seeking a garment with only slight implicit connection to the Brewers, there are better and cheaper options out there.

Prince Fielder: Who Needs Him?

milwaukee brewers November 30th, 2011

The Brewers offseason began a couple of months ago, but in all likelihood it won't really begin until Prince Fielder signs with another team. The players don't believe he will be back, Prince doesn't think he'll be back, the management doesn't really believe he'll be back and deep down you and I know that he won't be back, but still we wait. We wait because there is a chance, no matter how small, that Prince will be back and everything will return to normality. I mean, if nobody offers him a contract he'd have to accept the Brewers offer! That could happen, right? It won't, but it could and until it doesn't happen we will wait.

But why? Why should we wait? Sure, he's been apart of our team for years and he's given us some really great memories, but do we really need him? Do we even want him? Should we even care that Prince Fielder is leaving?


Don't get me wrong, I love Prince Fielder. I would like for Prince Fielder to be a Milwaukee Brewer forever, retire and open a car dealership in Milwaukee where I can overpay for a Ford Fusion with a big number twenty eight on the back. That's what I'd love to happen, but unfortunately we don't live in that world. We live in a world where every dollar spent needs to be held accountable and bring back a certain amount of production. That $/talent/production equation just doesn't work for Prince Fielder because Prince Fielder is not our future and if we're being honest he wasn't our past either.

Because Ryan Braun is all of that. Read the rest of this entry »

The World Belongs to Ryan Braun

milwaukee brewers November 29th, 2011

Ryan Braun won the MVP award last week.


There is an argument to be made, a very good one in fact, that Matt Kemp should have won the MVP award. He had more homeruns, more steals, played a tougher position, had a better WAR and a bunch of other stuff too. Matt Kemp had a great season and if you said he should have won the MVP I wouldn't argue with you too much. These two players were very close statistically and either choice was a good one.

The justification that many are using for the choice of Braun over Kemp is that the Ryan Braun played on a playoff team and Matt Kemp didn't. This speaks to the question of what exactly the word "valuable" in Most Valuable Player is supposed to mean. Many writers who vote on these awards take the word valuable and equate it with wins and losses. Since the Brewers won a ton more games than the Dodgers that made Ryan Braun more "valuable" than Matt Kemp. This is a simple argument that is backed up by years of MVP voting going to players from winning team. It is not wrong to think this and since the word "valuable" has never been properly defined by Major League Baseball it is hard to fault the writers for voting this way. It's just the way it's always been and the way it will always be. Winners get more credit.

However, this is not why I believe Ryan Braun won the MVP. It helped, sure, but it is not the real reason that Braun was chosen over Matt Kemp. The reason I submit to you as the reason Ryan Braun won the MVP is simple: The World Belongs To Ryan Braun. Read the rest of this entry »

Sveum As It Ever Was

Baseball, CUBBIES, milwaukee brewers November 18th, 2011

After a fairly short and not-at-all arduous ordeal that found the new Cubs figureheads parting ways with an alopecia-afflicted puppet skipper they had no part in hiring, then not interviewing Ryne Sandberg, Chicago has finally settled on its 52nd manager.

Introducing the newest skipper of the Chicago Cubs...

This guy.

I can say with unabashed honesty that I am very happy for Dale Sveum. Personally, seeing players with ties to the Brewers find success (even outside Milwaukee) gives my heart a bunch of little boners. An aside: Julio Franco was referenced on a Sklar Brothers Web series from 2007. He was a Brewer for about a month and a half! Titz!

Anyway, no matter the dugout he's in charge of, you can't deny this opportunity is a tremendous one for Sveum. It's a shame his departure came mere days after I'd learned the U before E except after SV rule. But, really, that's more my fault than Dale's. Despite the guarantee that he will never win a World Series now, I think this is an amazing first (non-interim) managerial gig for Sveumer. Additionally, I feel Dale is going to do well in the position. I wish him all the best with the Cubs (when they're playing the Cardinals).

With Dale holding a special place in the nostalgic '80s-obsessed hearts of Brew Crew faithful, I'm sure most fans share my positive wishes. But there's undoubtedly a grassroots faction of dimwitted fans out there who are now brimming with blind rage at the apparent betrayal of a guy originally from California accepting a significant promotion to lead a franchise which regards the Brewers to be its third or fourth biggest rival. Fortunately, I doubt any of those types read this site... though, admittedly, I don't read the comments. But if any of you (now) Dale Sveum haters mistakenly happened upon this site while looking for, I've taken the liberty to link it for you. But before you check out those sweet babes and gross red rockets, feel free to peruse some reasons you, like the rest of us, shouldn't give a shit about Dale Sveum's new career.

Read the rest of this entry »

Miller Park Drunk’s Offseason Predictions

milwaukee brewers November 16th, 2011

One month.

That's how long it's been since the Brewers were eliminated from the NLCS and robbed of their chance of the World Series by Shaun Marcum the Cardinals. A lot has happened since then. The not-Brewers won the World Series. The Packers didn't lose a game. The Badgers lost a couple they shouldn't have, effectively ending their season. The NBA died. Mark Kotsay signed with another team making the Brewers one rapist looking guy short. Eddie Kingston won the Grand Championship and Colt CaBunny was liberated. The Walking Dead's second season began and producers forgot it was a show about zombies. Kim Kardashian got divorced. Zooey Deschanel became single. Justin Bieber came out with a Christmas album. A guy smoked (a cigarette!) in a political ad. It's been a wild ride.

As for me, it's been a pretty wild ride. Faced with breaking up with my girlfriend and never talking to her again followed by my true love breaking my heart by losing in the playoffs to the Cardinals, I guess you could say I had a little mental break. I went on a journey, not like some lame On The Road inspired journey, but a journey of the mind. A spiritual journey, because that is not at all lame, that took me to the very depths of my soul and made me rethink each and every thing I thought I believed in. I now realize many things about myself and life that I didn't realize before. I know now that the world belongs to Ryan Braun and there is nothing we can do about it. I realize that we are all just puppets in a mass system designed to get us to spend money on a baseball team that will never love us back, but this realization will never stop me from continuing to do it. I've come to figure out that life isn't fair and that God, as we picture him, probably doesn't exist because the Cardinals not only beat us, but won the f*ckin' World Series.

/breathes into paper bag

The point is I return from this journey not with any sort of resolved issues, but with a clear vision of the future. I've gained an understanding of Doug Melvin and the Brewers that has never been witnessed before on this spiritual plane and come to you today with revelations of what our future holds in 2012. Our future, as philosophers say, is so bright that you might want to put on sunglasses. Read the rest of this entry »