Gaze around Miller Park during any given game and you're bound to see at least a few strange (primarily German) last names and unfamiliar digits not belonging to any current Brewer each shoddily attached to replica jerseys. This abomination of thread and fabric somehow manages to be simultaneously tacky and overpriced. It does the work of both highlighting a team's super fans as well as immediately revoking the credibility of said team's entire fan base by association. In short, they must be stopped.
The judgement of Ryan Braun's outfits continues, but in a shocking twist we actually sort of like this one.
Vince: Now this is the sort of Ryan Braun fashion I can get behind. He is seriously wearing the hell out of that suit and the two button is very swanky. Why you would wear Affliction gear when you can very easily look like this all the time I could never know. My only beef with this outfit would be that it was seemingly stolen from the set of USA Original Series Burn Notice. Like, really look at this. Is this purely coincidental? Or is Ryan a closeted Burn Notice fanatic who apes his outfits from the show?
Stephanie: I'm not one of the thousands of girls who want to bang Ryan Braun but in this suit I can see giving him access to Vagtown. Believe me it pains me to say this because I don't like him as a person, only as a baseball player. When looking at this outfit I cannot help but to think about what is in his pocket. Is that a really straight pocket square or a piece of paper? Oh wait, it is probably a list of chick's he has fornicated with, boom nailed it! Just like I would (probably) nail him, hayo!
P.S. No one watches USA unless there is a Law & Order SVU marathon on, no one can resist the sex, violence and Ice-T.
Tyler: I don't know, dudes. I think this outfit is actually pretty snappy, especially compared to the garments Braunie traditionally trots out. Personally, I admire the confidence he has to wear a light-colored suit. I know I could never pull that off. I'd almost assuredly smear pulled pork on it before I even got the pants on. Plus, he (or the person tasked with dressing him) even made sure to go with a brown belt to tie it all together.
Admittedly, I didn't understand the sunglasses at first. But then I noticed the ocean in the distance and it all made sense. If we mere mortals had to choose between gazing into the deep, alluring and endlessly vast expanses of Ryan's soul windows or the deep, alluring and endlessly vast expanses of some stupid ocean, we'd be too distracted and confused to bother purchasing whatever product the magazine was trying to sell us in the first place (probably car insurance?).
A lot of people don't really like the shirsey (t-shirt jersey), but I have personally always been a fan of them. It's a good way to casually date a player before committing and making it facebook official. Plus, it's a great way to support a player that you know will only be with the team for a short time. Like when the Brewers made the trade for K-Rod last year. You can support him because he's pretty freakin' awesome, but you also don't have to blow a bunch of money when you know there is no way he'll be back in 2012. (Wait, what?!) It also works great for when you want to support an underutilized bench player that could be released or sent down at any moment. (I don't know why, but purchasing that Brad Nelson shirsey really seemed like a great idea at the time.) Shirseys are fun and an MPD approved fashion item.
However, I should warn you about them. While shirseys are cool they also say a lot about you as a person. Anyone can get a Ryan Braun jersey and remain a relative enigma to strangers (because it's freakin' Ryan Braun), but the purchase of a specific player's shirsey tells people things and opens you up to a whole mess of assumptions about your character. I want you to be ready for that, I want you to know what your shirsey says about you so you can purchase accordingly and that is why I made this list. See what a nice guy I am? Continue reading →
The Fashion Police return to take on Ryan Braun's Remetee!
Tyler: Like a parent who's too disappointed in their child to even bother getting angry at them anymore, I won't even bother mounting an attack on Ryan for this particular outfit. Instead, I'm going to simply ask questions in hopes both of you can help me find any explanation for Ryan Braun to be dressed this way. Continue reading →