Archive for May, 2012

Pants Party 2: Sausage Fest

milwaukee brewers May 29th, 2012

On August 29th 2010 people gathered at Miller Park from all over the fine state of Wisconsin to take part in an event known as "Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party." Few knew what they were getting into before the event, but after some amazing food, a great party, a Brewers win and a pantsless kegstand; everyone who attended realized they just had one of the greatest times ever and their lives were never the same a-gain.

For a variety of reasons 2011 did not feature a return event and many people were left extremely disappointed. Some turned to hard drugs to ease the pain, others to crime. (One dude even ate another dude's face in Florida.) Relationships crumbled, the dead rose from the grave, humans were sacrificed, cats and dogs started living together... it was mass hysteria! But that's all over now because today is a new dawn.

The clouds have parted, the sun has come out and Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party has returned. Rejoice because on July 15th...

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Earl Weaver vs Ron Roenicke

milwaukee brewers May 24th, 2012

This might come as a surprise to you, but I like baseball. I like watching baseball, I like playing baseball video games, I like talking about baseball and I like reading about baseball. One of my favorite baseball books of all time is Earl Weaver's Weaver on Strategy.

For those of you that haven't read it (read it) or don't know much about Earl Weaver let me tell you a little bit about him. He managed the Baltimore Orioles for seventeen seasons carrying a .583 winning percentage and only finishing with a losing record once. His Orioles team won six division championships, four American League pennants and one World Series. He was also ejected from over 90 games and is 5'6" tall. (That last thing doesn't really have anything to do with anything, I just like to point out when famous people are shorter than me.) He did all this in the pre-Wild Card era in the AL East. He was really great and I don't understand why every manager isn't forced to study his book like 1999 Vince studied Sable's issue of Playboy.

Watching Ron Roenicke manage it is clear that nobody ever forced him to study it and he's probably never even read it. (In Ron's defense it's not like his brother had the best years of his career playing under Weaver or anything. Oh wait...) This is strange because I've always had the feeling that the way Earl Weaver managed a team and the way Doug Melvin built are a team are nearly identical. Weaver's managerial philosophy was "pitching, defense and the three-run homer" and if that doesn't sound like a team Doug Melvin would like to build I don't know what does. (I say would like to build because the scars of Yuniesky Betancourt are still fresh.) Unfortunately for Doug somewhere along the way things got crossed up and he hired (another) manager who doesn't follow Weaver's 10 Laws. Instead he employs someone who breaks at least five of them on a daily basis. This is not good, but the good news is that the answers are RIGHT THERE ON AMAZON.COM and all Roenicke has to do to better himself as a manager is to read this book.

Or this blog post. Either way. Read the rest of this entry »

The New King of Milwaukee: Jonathan Lucroy

milwaukee brewers May 23rd, 2012

POP QUIZ HOTSHOT: Who leads the 2012 Milwaukee Brewers in OPS?

ANSWER: Ryan Braun, duh. Who else would it be?

The answer to that question is not surprising. Ryan Braun is the man. He's one of the best hitters in the league and one of the best hitters the Milwaukee Brewers franchise has ever seen. So, yeah, duh. No big surprise there.

What has surprised us though is who the Brewers second most valuable player has been because that guy is someone that we didn't see coming. That guy has always been a valuable member of the franchise, but it's never been anything quite like this. That guy has become the most popular player on the team and the new king of Milwaukee. That guy is Jonathan Lucroy.

I know, I can't believe it either. (I wanted it to be you Rickie. Sorry if the pressure got to you.)

In a season where everything seems to go wrong for the Milwaukee Brewers, everything has seemed to go right for Jonathan Lucroy. His outs come at times when the Brewers don't need him and his hits seem to come exactly when they do. Every ball he hits hard finds its way between the outfielders and every time he steps up with runners on they end up scoring. He's gritty and clutch and "a gamer" and all those other things people like to write about. (And, omg, he is so dreamy.) Jonathan Lucroy is absolutely killing it right now. I can't explain why it's happening. Baseball is a crazy game and these things just happen sometime so we should all just enjoy this while it lasts because who knows when it will end. Okay?

This isn't the part where we talk about advanced stats and do that whole thing. This is the part where we enjoy it. Read the rest of this entry »

2012 Brewers Sexual Innuendos

Baseball, milwaukee brewers, Off-Base May 21st, 2012

We got your innuendos right HEEEEERE!!!

There's a lot to talk about in terms of the Milwaukee Brewers right now. Team savior Carlos Gomez is back after a short DL stint, Corey Hart got a start at first base, Brooks Conrad was sent back to Nashville (though we can't be entirely sure he was ever even promoted in the first place), Jonathan Lucroy matched Cesar Izturis' lifetime RBI total in one game, and the team remains mired in its prolonged slump.

Really, I don't even know where to begin. So, instead, I'll just add some updates to Miller Park Drunk's ever-growing list of Brewers sexual innuendos because that seems like more fun right now.

Vince wrote a staggering 50 of them last year. Working with his solid foundation, I figured 25 or so more should do the trick. So strap on your perv helmets (a strap-on dildo affixed to your forehead or a toupee made of pubic hair you found in a hospital dumpster) and enjoy our 2012 Brewers Sexual Innuendos.

1. I'm gonna Rollie Fingers up and down your Kottaras.
2. Now it Burnitz when I pee. Still worth it.
3. Would you be my (Jose) Valentine?
4. She can Dusseldorf my brat any time.
5. I wish there was a hotline to see when her roof is open!
6. You should see her Bob Wick, man!
7. I can't promise it'll be a Kwik Trip to her mound.
8. I also usually score when I attempt the squeeze play.
9. I've seen Manny Parra titties in my day, but yours are my favorite
10. Uecker? I Hardly Know Her!
11. I'm not into sausage races. I'm more of a sausage MARATHON kind of guy.
12. Somewhere in Japan, Ichiro Jones also has a massive erection.
13. I'm always up for a double switch.
14. My section is anything but nut free on select home games.
15. Sedar? You brought her!
16. The foot of my bed is also considered the Kalahari Splash Zone. You see, this is a reference to squirting.
17. After I mishandle your urine, you'll get off too.
18. I want to take my K-Rod to your Ax Wound (I got outside help on this one).
19. Girl, I'm gonna make you an honorary Maysonet after I brick all up in your snizz.
20. Let's see how Mike Hunt handles this column.
21. I'm going to ruin you worse than the Jeffrey Hammonds signing ruined the Brewers of the early 2000s.
22. By the time you're done hitting the headboard, you'll forget Jeff Liefer was ever on the Brewers... I mean, again.
23. You're going to Chulk on it, baby.
24. They call me Dick Weeks 'cuz I got penis for days and days.
25. You, me, a single occupancy bathroom on the 400 level, a bottle of Secret Stadium Sauce. You fill in the rest.

BONUS -- fellow MPD contributor Stephanie emailed a few innuendos of her own.

26.Well obvs. Marcum writes itself, ahhaha 'cum'
27. Kameron, blow my Loe'd/load
28. I'll put your Norichika in my Aoki
29. I'd take a peek at KRod's meat rod
30. I'd get sticky from Rickie
31. Tickle my Clittaras/Kottaras
32. I wouldn't mind giving you a Dirty Gomez
33. I just shaved my warning track
34. I'd take a yank on Grienke's crank
35. I'd let the MVP get in my VAG

Have any to add? Put 'em in the comments. You know, or don't. Whatever.

FJM: Milwaukee Brewers, Fire Sale Time?

milwaukee brewers May 16th, 2012

At some point in this site's history I joined the Yardbarker network and because I did that I had to put this little link box thing that you see on the right side of this page with some relevant links to other Milwaukee Brewers content on their network. I was told if I did this that I would get more hits, more exposure and more money. While I'm still waiting on basically all of those things I have still had the chance to check out some other Brewers websites that I normally wouldn't have otherwise. Why wouldn't I have read them you ask? Because they are not good, that's why. I don't know nearly enough about Yardbarker to make judgements on them, but from what I've seen regarding the Brewers they will basically let anyone become a member of their network.

One of these sites would be LosersBracket which seems like your basic "pictures of hot girls mixed with sports opinions" site. Kind of a poor man's Busted Coverage. These sites are great because you don't really need to have any knowledge of sports to run one and you'll still get hits because omgboobz. I would normally just ignore their content, but sometimes someone writes something so bad, so dumb, so devoid of intelligence that you have to do something to it. You have to FJM it. Read the rest of this entry »