Monthly Archives: May 2012

Enjoy Brewers Baseball The Miller Park Drunk Way

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I'm always checking out twitter during the games. This isn't because all my friends are either old or lame married or gay, and it's certainly not because I live in a basement and if I make too much noise I'll wake my mom up and she'll be mad. No, I do this because I like to keep my finger on the pulse of what Brewers fans are thinking. I've always sort of prided this blog on that and I enjoy being able to write about whatever people are happy or mad or sad about. It's kind of our thing.

Lately when I take to twitter it hasn't been a lot of fun. All I seem to be doing is defending the Brewers and trying to talk people off of the ledge. This is pretty crazy to me because it's May 15th and we're still a good 126 games away from the end of the season. A LOT CAN HAPPEN. Hell, I just wrote about the season not being over a week ago. Are we giving up again already? Since I wrote that post the Brewers have gone 4-3. Not exactly the streak you've been looking for, but hey they are better off than they were (and if they kept playing like that they'd win 88 games. #justsaying) Oh, and their starters have been really awesome since that post too. Zack Greinke has put in two genius performances, Marcum threw another gem and... you know what? That's not what this is about. I'm not here to tell you not to worry or to relax because I realize the problem runs much deeper than that.

You see I've thought for a long time that if I could just make some strong points about why the Brewers are actually better than their most recent results then people would see a clearer picture and agree with me and thus feel better about the baseball team. Sometimes we all need a little wake up call and that is a post I enjoy writing because people have been telling me to grow wake up my entire life. It's worked in the past, but what I've come to realize is that some people don't need a wake up call. Some people are just doing it wrong. Some people are watching the Brewers for the wrong reasons. Some people think like this:


And that's just a bad idea. What fun would that be anyway? 35-0, what would be the point of even watching? Oh, the Brewers won again big frickin' deal. I don't even want these George Webb burgers. That isn't what life is about and it certainly isn't what baseball is about. If you are watching the Brewers like this then I think you need some help and I want to be the one to do it. I am going to help you learn to enjoy baseball the Miller Park Drunk way and, no, I don't mean just getting drunk the whole time. (Although that does work too.) I am talking about watching baseball and liking what you see it. Do you think you can handle that? Let's do it. Continue reading »

Front Row Amy Something Something

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This represents me touching on the Front Row Amy phenomenon. I guess?

Wednesdays game wasn't your usual Milwaukee Brewers contest.

No, no... they still lost. And, obviously, Travis Ishikawa managed to replicate the results of a slumping Ichiro Jones. The most sizable difference (well, two most sizable differences) between this Brewers/Reds rubber match and most other Miller Park home games was the person sitting just left of home plate in row one.

Hoping to capitalize on this phenomenon of assigned seating, this thing called Busted Coverage bought the seat Front Row Amy usually occupies and had the fucking balls to put ANOTHER ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN AMY'S SEAT!!!

Quoth Busted Coverage:

"A few weeks ago while doing some research on the First Lady of Milwaukee baseball, we noticed that the infamous Front Row Amy was selling her seat to several Brewers’ games. She wouldn’t be attending. Had other plans. Suddenly the idea popped into my head. What if we replaced Front Row Amy with a hot chick of our choosing? How would Milwaukee react to a Playboy model sitting in Amy’s seat? Would there be a revolt?"

There was not a revolt. Maybe that was because the mid-week, afternoon game in early May wasn't televised, rendering all--we'll call it--planning for a shake-up for naught. But probably, it was because swapping one out-of-focus female fan's upper torso for another is meaningless. So good work, Busted Coverage. You've accomplished nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true. That poorly-thought promotion gives me the slightest window of timeliness to ask my beloved Brewer fan faithful once and for all... what's with this Front Row Amy business?

Before 800 of you direct your pent up sexual rage at me, allow me to clarify. I have absolutely nothing against "Front Row" Amy Williams. From what I know about her, she's a passionate, knowledgeable, devoted and uniquely-positive member of the Brewers fanbase. The team could benefit from having more fans with her spirit. She even keeps score for Christ's sake! And, yeah, she's very pretty.

What I do have a problem with, though, is the growing group of weirdos who've made Front Row Amy a household name around these parts, those who've contributed to all 2,000 minutes to what should've been 15 minutes of her fame, those whose obsession makes stupid Bro-motions like Wednesday's front row swap possible.

Maybe this makes me a Gaylord or whatever the proper homophobic terminology is these days, but when I turn on a Brewer game, I do so with the sole intent of watching a Brewer game. Fetching as Ms. Williams is (especially for a lady born in the 1960s!), nothing is gained or lost from her being in the front row. Call me crazy, but I'm more concerned with minor details like the score of the game, the latest ACL explosion, pitch counts, tavern of the game winners, that new fucker who horned his way into the Leinie's ads, drinking every time Rock says "bloop and a blast" and the myriad of everyday worries that manage to creep into my skull to even give a second thought to a woman in the stands.

Obviously, I'm in the minority, as Amy has accrued quite the fan base... even prompting special events and signings at shitty bars like The Bad Badger in Appleton. Again, I don't blame her a bit for capitalizing on the drool and boners of fellow fans. I'd do the same thing, likely with less tact.

I really hate to be so judgmental against the preferences of others, but I simply don't understand how the Front Row Amy phenomenon has both grown so huge and sustained this long. Call me old fashioned, but if I feel the need to squeeze off to some MILF's titties during a baseball broadcast, I'll pull up a Shayla Laveaux video on RedTube during a pitching change or something. You can literally see ANYTHING on the Internet--including boobs that aren't partially covered by a Brewers shirt. Better yet, you can make interpersonal moves in your life to better the chances a woman will permit you to actually touch her body.

Writing this has only perpetuated the legend of Front Row Amy. But if just one fan takes his or her fixation on blurry, clothed chest beefers looming in the front row and, instead, redirects that lust for Amy into hatred for that Happy Youngster dude, I've done my job.

10 Reasons You Should Stop Worrying About the Brewers

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There is a good chance the Milwaukee Brewers 2012 season is cursed. I mean, what other possible explanation is there for all of the injuries they have suffered lately? Was Miller Park built on an Indian burial ground and the lost souls are having their revenge? Did Ron Roenicke date a witch? Or maybe the Brewers left a crappy tip for their waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings and now the guy from the commercial (who has a crush on said waitress) is getting his revenge on the team? I've searched high and low for an answer to what is happening to this team right now, but I'm not having much luck finding an answer that makes sense.

To make matters worse they haven't been winning, going 3-7 over their last ten games. The losses haven't been pretty either. Shut out by Jeff Suppan. The Dillard game aka the first true "Fire Ron Roenicke" game of the season. Yesterday's homerun derby. Don't even get me started on the road trips to Atlanta and St. Louis. Its been crappy, no fun and the opposite of Batman.

But does that mean the Brewers are done? Are they doomed? Should they start selling their assets and building for the future? Is it time to give up? The answer to these questions and more is: No, are you frickin' kidding me? To prove my point here is ten reasons why you should relax: Continue reading »

Local Man Finds Milwaukee Brewers Woes Accurately Reflect His Own Personal Failures

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RACINE, WI -- While Milwaukee Brewers fans statewide are trying to figure out what exactly is going on with their local baseball team's string of bad luck, there is one local man who saw it all coming and claims that the Milwaukee Brewers recent troubles are an accurate reflection of every bad thing that has happened to him in his life.

"Baseball is supposed to be an escape, you know? Something fun to take you away from all the bad things happening in your life, but not this year," said Josh Stevens, 35, who is between jobs right now and not really sure how he's going to pay last month's rent. "Everything that has happened to the Brewers this year just reminds me more and more how much of a mess I've made of my life."

"It actually started last year when he broke up with his girlfriend Anna," his roommate Chaz confirmed, "she dumped him right before the playoffs started and he kept saying that if the Brewers won the World Series they would get back together, but we all know that didn't happen. I don't think she even talks to him anymore."

Stevens reportedly started feeling better as the season began, but that ray of light in his life quickly diminished when he was fired from his job at Culver's just days after the Brewers lost their season opening series to the Cardinals, losing two games to one by a combined score of 20-14.

"I had tickets to two of the first three games and I had to work the other day. Guess which day that was? Oh, and I had to sit next to a bunch of Cardinal fans which made it even worse," Stevens admitted that he realizes that it is a long season and losses happen, but the series just completely drained him of any hope. "I went into work Monday and my boss told me that I was working the register, like he didn't even ask and I didn't want to do it after the weekend I'd just had so I told him no way. Then he just started freaking out on me about acting immature or something and then he fired me for no reason. I mean, who acts like that? I tried to tell him I had a bad weekend, but he didn't care. Nobody ever does."

When reached for comment his former manager noted that he was "36 and working the grill at Culver's. I truly hope he gets his life together."

While Stevens believes the Brewers woes align with his failures, their success does not seem to have the same effect on his personal life. According to a source close to Stevens it is quite the opposite.

"I wanted to cheer him up after losing his job so I took him to the Brewers game where they beat the Dodgers in extra innings which was a great game to be at. My company has great season tickets so I used those and we tailgated before too," his step brother Marcus, a 26 year old engineer, told us "but then as soon as we sit down he sees a girl that he thinks is his ex-girlfriend with her boyfriend two rows down. He went catatonic, like Cameron in Ferris Bueller style catatonic. I tried to get him to chill out, but he wouldn't. I didn't get it. Like they only really dated for a couple of months and she wasn't even that good looking, but there he was crying like a baby. The sad part is I don't even think it was her."

The pain didn't stop there for Stevens either. When the Brewers lost starting pitcher Chris Narveson for the season with a rotator cuff injury, Stevens suffered an injury of his own.

"I was trying to help my mom clean her gutters, you know help her out for a couple extra bucks, when I reach into one and cut my hand on the metal. There was blood everywhere and I coulda sworn I needed a tetanus shot," Stevens, who is still looking for work if anyone knows of anything, said "I asked my mom to take me to the hospital for stitches, but she just gave me a band-aid. That's when I told her to forget about it and to clean her own gutters. Forget that. She never even paid me for the work I did before I got hurt either."

To make matters worse for Stevens, Milwaukee also lost its first baseman Mat Gamel. Stevens owns a Mat Gamel shirsey that he claims "wasn't cheap" and says he had a lot invested in the young hitter this season.

"Prince leaving last season reminded me a lot of when my dad left me when I was a kid. I was hoping Gamel could step in and fill the void he left, but once he went down injured I knew it wasn't going to happen. He's just like Marcus's dad Ken. He always played catch with Marcus, but never with me. I'm not jealous or anything, but it just wasn't right you know?"

Stevens, wearing sweatpants in public, says that he isn't too optimistic about the Brewers playoff chances this season or his chances of finding a new job. Or a new girlfriend for that matter.

"What's the point, really? Why try? Look at Mat Gamel he tried to catch a foul ball and he tears his ACL. Season over. You put yourself out there and you get burned. I gave my heart to Anna and I gave my blood, sweat and tears to Culver's and where did it get me? Nowhere. If I was the Brewers I would just stop playing now. Suppan shut you out, just give up. Trying isn't worth it. Trust me."

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Free Fantasy Baseball: Win $350 from MPD and Draftstreet

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You may have noticed a lack of fantasy baseball talk on Miller Park Drunk this season. There's been no complaining about Yo's game against the Cardinals killing my team or Ryan Braun single handedly carrying it to victory last night or any of the other "talk about my fantasy team even though nobody else cares" stuff that you normally find on a sports blog. The reason for this is simple: I don't play traditional fantasy baseball anymore.

The reason for this is because season long fantasy sports are a thing of the past. Last football season when the teams I paid $150 or more apiece for were falling apart, I started playing a new kind of fantasy sports and I fell in love with it. I fell in love with Draftstreet.

If you haven’t heard about Draftstreet yet, it's a new way to play fantasy baseball that turns the season long grind into quick one night leagues.  Quick one night leagues where you can win cash money.  You draft a team for one night and get paid out as soon as the games end. Gone are the days of wasting a high draft pick on someone who falls off the map. *coughAlbertPujolscough* It's a lot of fun. I love DraftStreet.com and we are lucky enough to present a co-promotion with them: a FREE one-day fantasy league with $350 in prizes exclusively for Miller Park Drunk fans. Continue reading »