30
Oct 12

Guess Brew? Don’t Mind If We Brew… Er, Do!!!

Unlikely.

Getting through baseball's long, unforgiving offseason is a difficult task. While each season draws to its conclusion, the days also get shorter and the temperatures dip.

At virtually the longest period of time spanning the Word Series and Opening Day, we're still more than a month from winter meetings and likely even longer from teams making any notable trades or free agent signings. I'm sure it's not hard to find an exact number of days between now and the Miller Park home opener, but I don't want to see it. It's just too depressing.

So how are fans supposed to bide their time during this bleak, baseball-less period? Do we take up a new hobby, such as canning homemade preserves or banging strangers at swinger's gatherings while dressed up as Huckleberry Hound? Neither sounds all that appealing... even if I found a gently used Huckleberry Hound costume in my price range. Maybe this is the perfect time to start watching New Girl. Then again, I'm probably way behind in the plot. At this point, they probably just call it "Girl" or something. Do we feign interest in the Bucks for a while? Perhaps this is a prime opportunity to better our lives... you know, get back to the gym, read a book not written by R.L Stine for once, apply for somewhat-less soul-crushing jobs, finally determine the reason that "check engine" light has been illuminating your dashboard since April--things like that.

Then again, with the new #GuessBrew promotion, this usually rough stint of boredom, soul searching and all-around trouser flaccidity can be better weathered than it used to be. In previous seasons, fans would have to wait until winter (sometimes even after New Year's Day!) to get information on forthcoming Brewers promotions. And even then, some of us didn't have Internet on our phone, so we'd need to look that shit up on our home or office computers like a bunch of cave-dwelling chumps. Infants had a crazy low life expectancy; the term "Honey Boo Boo" was only used in situations in which someone made a mistake that involved honey, and Walter White had only killed MAYBE two people on Breaking Bad. It's fucked up even thinking how we survived back then.

Now Brewers fans have some help riding out the darkest epoch of baseball's departure by getting daily updates on which Milwaukee players, personnel and additional periphery figures will be honored as one of the team's 10 all-fan bobblehead giveaways in 2013.

Though I gave all my bobblehead dolls away to other fans when I was old enough to grow pubes (18 months ago), I still like to keep up to date on upcoming promotions. Plus, anything Brewers-related that's not about Ryan Braun being jobbed on the MVP vote or Nori Aoki losing rookie of the year to some Mormon kid who paints his face for attention is welcome news to me. Monday, the team announced that Aoki would be the first bobblehead honoree in 2013. Still, nine more announcements are scheduled between now and November 9. I have no insight into the Brewers social media team's inner workings (aside from assuming Sophia Minnaert probably has no interest in getting coffee with me sometime), but I can still weigh in on some possibilities/likely choices, some outliers, as well as a few of the Crew who I feel should or should not get such an honor bestowed upon them. Here are some (faint) possibilities.

Managers/coaches/front office
• Ken Macha - Though Ron Roenicke is a more obvious/likely choice to get bobbled, I'd much rather own a throwback to Milwaukee's most vanilla two seasons ever. Complete with a pull string, the doll could liven up any mancave with such famous Macha sayings as "Uhhhh..." and "[clears throat]."
• Ed Sedar - While Doug Melvin assembles the team and Roenicke runs it, it's of little doubt that Sedar is the runaway favorite for both players and fans, giving our hearts the green light no matter the count.
• Stan Kyles - The bobblehead's box could transform into a makeshift garbage can to unfairly dispose of the figurine in at first sign of trouble.

Past players
• Jeff Cirillo - He was past his prime once the advent of bobblehead popularity hit MLB in full force. Nobody (except people who watched him try to work as an analyst) has a bad word to say about 'Rillo.
• Kevin Seitzer - Former requisite Brewers All-Star and eventual centerpiece in a trade that brought none other than Jeromy Burnitz to town. Who wouldn't want to remember some of Milwaukee baseball's shittiest years with a relic of one of the team's least shitty players of the time? That's rhetorical, dicks!
• Jeromy Burnitz/Richie Sexson - See above self-loathing.
• Sixto Lezcano - If the already-deteriorating Lezcano doll is brought to the guest relations desk at New Busch Stadium, it can be exchanged for way better bobbleheads of Rollie Fingers, Ted Simmons and Pete Vuckovich.
• Gary Sheffield - With a local shooting range as the logical sponsor.
• Ray King - Doubles as a gumball machine.
• Brooks Kieschnick - God, that would be awesome.

Current players
• Carlos Gomez - Because he is awesome and I like him.
• Josh Hamilton - Constructed vaguely enough to pass for Jim Henderson when Hamilton inevitably signs elsewhere.
• Jean Segura - Joke not found. This will probably happen.
• Manny Parra - Well, actually, just an empty box that holds only the crushed hopes that the Manny Parra you were expecting would be somewhere inside.

Other
• Yoshi, Aoki's interpreter.
• Mark Attanasio's wife - For... uhhh, personal use. DON'T JUDGE ME!!!
• The Happy Youngster - Obviously, depicted in his natural state of shoving a terminally ill toddler to the ground so he can scoop up a Jamey Carroll BP ball on the third bounce.
• Bernie Brewer and T.C. Bear open-mouth kissing with the Mississippi River between their feet. Beautiful image, isn't it?
• "E.H." - A maple breakfast sausage that's basically just an insensitive depiction of a stereotypical Canadian, the latest in a line of off-base Klement's racing sausage mascots.
• Ichiro Jones


17
Oct 12

Brewers to Josh Hamilton? MAYBE STUFF

The rumor mill is running wild that the Brewers are about to sign superstar free agent Josh Hamilton*.

*= If they don't sign a starting pitcher and he doesn't re-sign with the Rangers and nobody offers a better offer and he won't sign for a lot of years and the Brewers don't have anything better they can do.

The move would be the Brewers biggest free agent splash since they signed Jeff Suppan in 2007. Suppan, who led the Brewers to the 2008 through 2010 World Series, made $85 million dollars in Milwaukee and has since retired. He currently owns the San Diego Chargers.

The move makes sense for both sides. The Brewers offense needs some serious help after only scoring 776 runs in 2012. A huge letdown from Doug Melvin's 2012 goal of one million. Meanwhile, Josh Hamilton is fresh off choking away his team's playoff chances and desperately needs a change of scenery to avoid being killed by the three or four Rangers fans who weren't just killing time until the Cowboys season started. Sources say that despite both being named Ron, that Ron Roenicke is a way better role model for Hamilton than Ron Washington.

There is some concern that Josh Hamilton's 0 for 4 performance in the AL Wild Card game is a sign that Josh Hamilton is a terrible baseball player, but most scouts think there is only a 50/50 chance of this being true and expect him to get "at least" twice as may hits as that on average. Still, signing John Hamilton will be considered a risk.

Another concern is his age as next season he will turn 35 which will rank him second behind Jamie Moyer as the oldest baseball player of all time. One scout said that this is the "least of his worries" because of alcohol. Continue reading →


15
Oct 12

Rooting for former Brewers in the playoffs

Despite the Brewers season being over, baseball is still being played. There are three baseball teams and one soulless machine sent from hell still remaining. Some of you may be tempted to watch these baseball games and take a rooting interest in the outcomes of those games. I can't discourage this enough. First of all, all the other teams suck and aren't remotely as cool as the team from Milwaukee. Second of all, the Cardinals are just going to win the World Series again and make you hate your life even more for those two weeks you spent rooting for the Tigers. Just forget it. Black it out.

However, if you insist on watch these games then you probably want to know who you should root for. For you gluttons for punishment I present this guide to your former Brewers in the playoffs and where your rooting interests should lie. Good luck and Godspeed. Continue reading →


04
Oct 12

One sixty two and 131

I don't know why exactly, but I liked the 2012 Milwaukee Brewers more than I liked the 2011 Brewers. I can't explain it.

The success of last season probably helped, I believe they could do it more this year because they almost did it last year. They should have done it last year, so they will do it this year. That was the logic at least. I'm sure Ryan Braun's ordeal had something to do with it too. I've always liked Ryan Braun as a baseball player, but the offseason really made me defensive over him as a person. When someone says "u kno braun failed that test cuz he had dat herp rite dude?" it pisses me off. SHUT THE HELL UP, I say. ("but d00d i kno this chick and she like has it too and she boned him" they'll say, but I won't listen because people who know people who openly, almost proudly say that they have STDs and brag about having sex with celebrities are not to be trusted. They are frickin' nutso.) He said he didn't, we should believe him. He said he didn't do anything wrong, we should believe him. He was cleared of the charges, we should drop it. ET CETERA. Plus, the general newness of the roster probably helped a lot too. Everybody likes playing with new toys. Japanese outfielder? I always wanted one of those! Thanks mom!

Whatever the reason I liked this team a lot. A lot, a lot and they repaid me by breaking my heart. Thanks for that one guys. Continue reading →

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