My love of pro wrestling is no secret. I went to Wrestlemania last year and I am going again this year. I'm going to Chikara in two weeks. I'm wearing a Colt Cabana t-shirt right now. I've made two awkward appearance on TH's The Wrestling Podcast. It's just my thing. I always have and always will love this stupid deal where people pretend to fight and put oil all over their bodies. I just love it.
Because of this I often find myself falling in love with the girls on the screen. She likes wrestling and she is attractive? Sign me up! Last summer my dad and I went to Chikara in Chicago and after watching Sara Del Rey kick the living shit out of Icarus I could tell he had a bit of a crush going on. Which was weird because I didn't want to have to fight my own dad to the death over her. When I was in high school and starting to figure out that boobs were the best thing in the world, WWE gave me Sable who had enormous fake ones that she had no problem showing me. It was love at first breast. Then they followed her with Trish Stratus who made me fall in love all over again and still does a little bit. Then Stacy Keibler who is hot enough for George Clooney so like really hot. Then Melina whose entrance made me somewhat uncomfortable (in a good way.) Then Maryse who was hot until I found out she was banging The Miz. (Seriously, I'd rather be with someone that had face herpes than someone The Miz touched.) All these girls with many in between have made me continually have crushes/infatuations with the women involved in professional wrestling.
Here's the thing though. They are all pretty girls, but at the same time they are "wrestling pretty." Much like a stripper seems pretty because she is taking her clothes off a lot of these girls seem prettier just because they are on a wrestling show. You guys remember that period where WWE convinced us that Chyna was really hot and she did two Playboys? Yeah, WWE (and plastic surgery) convinced us that THIS was really hot. I used to think Francine was gorgeous and she's really not (see if you can guess why I thought that.) That's what I'm talking about. This isn't a knock on the women at all. They are pretty girls who could probably kick my ass, but if you stand 98% of them next to Alison Brie or Anne Hathaway they look homely. A pretty girl in something you like looks 1000% prettier than if she was in something you didn't like. Look at Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica. Pretty? Yes. omg da prettiest girl ever? No, but don't tell that to some Battlestar fanboys. It's just the way it is. Why do you think I hook up with so many ugly girls in Rickie Weeks jerseys? Our mind plays tricks on us sometimes.
AJ changed all of that because AJ is not only the prettiest girl to ever grace a wrestling ring. Read the rest of this entry »
Ever since I was a little kid I've loved the X-Men. I was raised watching that 90's X-Men show on FOX Kids that was actually really awesome and not stupid like all kids shows today. (Another awesome show from this time period was Batman: The Animated Series which outside of the Christopher Nolan trilogy is the best Batman has been portrayed in any form of media.) When the movies came out I was there on opening night. The first X-Men movie was actually the first DVD I ever owned. I've read a lot of the comics and highly recommend Joss Whedon's Astonishing run and Grant Morrison's New X-Men. Wolverine was dumb and X-Men 3 is basically the worst stuff ever. My X-Men cred is legit.
A recent after bar conversation got me thinking about the idea of being a mutant. Would I want to be Wolverine? Of course I would. Wolverine is a bad ass. (Weird crying bitch Wolverine from X-Men 3 does not exist and I will fight you if he say he does.) But is his power the best? I say no. Did you know he can't really get drunk? I mean, he can and has many times before but it takes forever and his body is constantly trying to fix his liver damage as he drinks. What the heck, body? I'm trying to destroy you here. Let me destroy you. Nobody really wants to be Cyclops. One because he is a nerd and two because it would suck having to wear that stupid thing on your face all the time. We all know Rogue's would suck because that's the entire point of Rogue. Beast? Give me a break.
This is a serious question that I've spent hours and hours of my life dissecting and analyzing in a desperate attempt to to figure it out. This is what I've come up with. Read the rest of this entry »
A couple months ago I was talking to this 16 year old kid. He was kind of a shy kid who you could tell spent a lot of time playing video games and surfing around the internet. (read:virgin) He was kind of awkward and you could tell he wasn't really good at socializing with people. Being the amazing person that I am I decided to engage him and try to get him to come out of his shell. We talked for a few minutes and when he said that he spent a lot of his time on the internet I asked him what his favorite website was. His answer? Facebook.
Really? I mean, really? How could facebook possibly be someone's favorite website? Facebook is without a doubt the most annoying website on the entire internet. It is a website that you spend the most time on (mostly looking for pictures of girls you like in bathing suits), but that you get the least amount of value you from. Facebook isn't a fun website to visit, but it has somehow become a part of our daily routine and doesn't seem to be going anywhere. (And don't say "I don't go on facebook anymore." You sound like one of those guys that proudly announce they "don't own a TV." You're basically announcing to the world that you think you are better than them and need them to know about it. Good for you. You'll never know how freaking awesome Parks & Rec is or how absolutely lame your friends are. I hope you choke on your Kashi cereal.)
Here is the thing though: facebook is not the problem. Yes, it's a flawed website and they are always adding dumb stuff that people don't really want, but it's still the absolute best at what it does. Twitter is great, but I can't go on twitter and stalk my ex-girlfriend and make myself feel better because I think her new boyfriend is less attractive than me. I can't make fun of my friend who lives in Canada for his bachelor party pictures if he doesn't post them one by one (which would take forever and people would find annoying because you are "flooding their timeline." btw, bite me twitter police.) Don't even get me started on Google Plus which could have stolen everybody if they just did "facebook how it used to be," but instead decided on this weird circle things where you can't easily share things on someone else's wall. (WHAT!?) Like it or not facebook is the only game in town.
I remember when I first got myspace and it was so much fun. I had music playing when you went to my page. (In retrospect this is super lolz.) I think it was "Can I Get Get Get" by Junior Senior or maybe that "Way I Are" song. (Shut up. Chicks digged it.) We would post pics from nights out and then comment all the funny stuff we did on the pics. I could have long, drawn out conversations with my friends in the email while they were at work where we talked about super important things. My son's mother could print out things I wrote on there in an attempt to use them against me in court. Oh, wait that last one kind of sucked. Forget I said that. The point is that it was fun for a minute and then we all went to facebook and it was better and ever cooler for a minute too. We posted our pics, we wrote funny statuses, we became friends on there with new people that we were friends with and it was fun. As someone who always thinks people are out there having fun without me it was perfect. This was like hanging out with the people I like all the time. It's what social media was invented for and why social media is not going away. We all want to hang out all the time.
But then it all went wrong. How did it all go wrong? Well, in my opinion there are two things that went wrong and they are:
- Everyone in the world got facebook which caused everyone else's butthole to clench up.
- Pretty much everyone is dumb.
We'll cover the second one first because I like to do things backwards.
In the "glory days" of facebook you would have EVERYONE updating their statuses on a near daily basis. Some people were dumb. Chill bros like Tyler and I would post funny stuff. I remember one time I did a status/ten comment thing where I re-wrote the chorus to "I Gotta Feeling" that I thought was absolutely hilarious.
In the comments one person did not get the joke. The other thought it was funny. Zero likes. Re-reading it now it's not as funny as I remember (although I do love the "I don't want hot dogs, not again" line and the next verse about making out with a guy is awesome), but my heart was in the right (hilarious) place. People should have enjoyed it more.
So here I am trying to entertain my friends by writing funny things on my wall while you have these dummies on there posting "LIKE THIS IF YOU THINK CHILD MOLESTATION IS BAD" and getting like 500 likes and 200 comments. Yeah dude screw child molestation! It gets old fast. You start to slip away and wonder what the point of posting funny stuff is if nobody gets it. I still do it, but jut not as much as I used to. The dumb people are taking over and it scares away the smart people. Shouldn't that really be the other way around?
The biggest knock against facebook is probably that it should really be called "Babies & Marriage-book" or as I like to call it "Babies, Marriage & I just ran a marathon let me tell you about it-book" There are so many people that I didn't even realize I was still friends with that use facebook just to announce that their boyfriend proposed to them. Then they get the two thousand comments that all say the same "so happy for you girl" crap. I mean, yeah, good for you and all that. Does he still wear your shoes to bed? Because that was kinda weird, but still good for you. Worse is when you don't see them on the website again until they actually do get married and then they post pictures and videos everyday for the next three years until the inevitable baby and then post pics of that kid every day until the end of time. Wheee.
Honestly, I can't knock these people too much because that's who they become. They used to be these young fun people, but then they get married and have married friends and those friends have kids so they have kids too and that's all their lives revolve around. Now all the sudden they are old and lame and you are left wondering what happened. It's not their fault that there isn't a setting on facebook for "I used to be cool, but I'm not anymore so please unfriend." Life would normally take care of that for us, but with facebook we're stuck with them unless we take the time to click a few buttons and that takes way too long so they can just annoy us forever.
The random users are annoying too. The idea of "I haven't posted on this site in months, but I have to now because I'm engaged/I'm on vacation and need to check in to let you know/I'm in or out of a relationship/I ran a marathon and need validation" are frustrating, but not the worst. That's because the worst are the over updaters. You know the ones. The people who use facebook too much or worse use it too much because facebook is actually their personal therapist. You read the status "SO UPSET RIGHT NOW" and then fourteen people come in and comment asking them "what's wrong?" which plays perfectly to the poster's narcissism. These people are the same ones who update their relationship after every big fight, let you know when they are sick or hungover, post inspirational quotes because they really need to hear it today, react to every tragedy like their opinion matters, delete stuff that gets them a negative reaction, ask you to click like because a like will somehow stop kids from being murdered of AIDs and everything else that annoys the crap out of me. Seriously, nobody gives a shit if you are having lunch at Subway. People eat lunch at Subway everyday. It's not news. I don't care that you had a Veggie Delight. It would delight me more if you shut the hell up about it.
The only way we're ever going to take our social media back and have it be fun is to unfollow these people, but that unfortunately is harder than it would seem. Why? Because these annoying people are our family members, our bosses and our friend or relative's boyfriends and girlfriends. They are annoying because we are stuck with them. Which brings us back to the first problem: nobody wants to use facebook anymore because it is impossible to say anything cool without fear of being prosecuted by our families or our bosses.
Let me tell you a story. A couple weeks ago we had this thing called the Pants Party. It was awesome. Of course afterwards there were quite a few pictures of me posted on facebook and none of them were very flattering. Which is completely fine with me because I don't like having a filter. Much like Popeye I am who I am. Anyways, let's say that this is one of the photos that was posted on the site:
To me that's a funny pic and a good representation of what you missed if you weren't there. If I saw that pic of one of my friends and knew that this was a party I could have been at I would be pissed, but maybe that's just me. Anyways when I got home the next day my mom asked me if I had my facebook profile public to which I told her no. Her reply? "Oh good. I saw those pictures from your party. Maybe we shouldn't be facebook friends."
I had other friends who saw the same pic and the next time I saw them in person they made fun of me for it. Why did they have to wait? Couldn't they have just done it in the comments? Isn't that the point of the comments? Not anymore. Not when your boss not only sees your wall, but what you comment on. Not when your girlfriend doesn't want her mom to think less of you. This is life now and this is the problem with facebook. This is why it will never really be good again.
Everyone is afraid of someone seeing what they do. Which is to say that everyone is afraid of being themselves for fear of someone judging them for it. I don't care that my mom saw that, but I am not like a lot of people. My parents read this blog they know how dumb I am.
If the point of social media is to hang out with your friends when you are not hanging out with your friends than this point has been completely ruined by facebook and being forced to be friends with your co-workers you don't like, bosses who suck, idiots you knew ten years ago and family members who don't understand you. It's sad because everyone should have videos like this one out there on their facebook wall for all their friends to see. What's the point of doing something like this if you can't share it with the people you like?
This weird video of me dancing at Wrestlemania is what it should be all about. Doing fun things, sharing them with your friends who aren't there and having a good time with it. Instead it's just this dumping ground for pictures of your kids and where you're eating right now. It's kind of sad really.
People ruin everything.
Do I know how to plan a week to not talk about the Brewers or what? After the Brewers just went 1-9 over their last ten games and traded away one of their most reliable players there is pretty much nothing I'd like to write about less than the Brewers right now. (Especially after Sunday's game. Jeesh.) Yes, I still think that 2013 is going be awesome and we'll return to playoff contention. No, I don't think we should trade Corey Hart or Aramis Ramirez in the next twenty four hours. Do you people not remember the Ishikawa/Gamel experiment at 1B from earlier this year? Do you remember 2011 Casey McGehee? Truly quality production at the corners isn't easy to replace. Let's stick with what we got if we think we can do something next year, which I think we do.
But forget all that. Let's get Off-Topic. Let's get weird. You see I love writing about the Brewers and doing this weird comedy/analysis/commentary thing that we do here that I don't think anyone else really does or could do quite like we do, but at the same time I do like other things and have opinions on them. I have lots and lots of opinions actually and some of them are funny and/or interesting. For instance I love pro wrestling and I am going to write about Chikara which is the greatest thing ever if you love pro wrestling. I also really like the X-Men and music and movies and a ton of other things. Do I want to write about them all the time? Not really (unless someone wants to give me a job at Uproxx or something), but I want to this week and I want you to enjoy it. Anything to get our mind off these past ten games, K-Rod, Greinke and everything else. So let's do this. If you want to read about baseball and baseball only we'll see you next week. If you just like our writing style and want to see what we have to say then stick around. It'll be fun.
Well, the day that we inevitably knew was going to come has come and Zack Greinke is no longer a Milwaukee Brewer. I wish he could have stayed and won the World Series; but the bullpen, luck and the injury bug had other plans. Now he's gone.
It's been a weird run. There were a lot of really great times. I'll never forget the day I found out he was coming to Milwaukee and I invented a dance to go along with it. I was so excited I nearly peed my pants. I was smiling and laughing and dancing. I was so, SO happy. Insanely happy. I even wrote about it:
Greatest moments of my life:
- Son being born
- Something involving my girlfriend*
- Zack Greinke becoming a Brewer
The point here is that I can't imagine what it felt like to want to close this site or to not like baseball anymore because I love this site and baseball and the Brewers more than anything in my life right now. I just want to write, watch and read about the Brewers every second of every day for the rest of my life. The Brewers are going to the World Series and then they are going to win it. We are about to see the greatest Brewers team of our lifetime. Everything that came before will seem like a joke.
Hey, 1982 what a season am I right? Yeah, what a season... FOR LOSERS! 2011 BITCHES!!!!
Besides the World Series and that laughable girlfriend comment, I think I agree with most everything that I said at that time. Last year's team really was the greatest team of my lifetime. They just didn't know how to not pitch Marcum and Narveson in the most important game of the season (I really need to stop doing this) and it ended sooner than it should have. The Zack Greinke trade brought me from a place where I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be in love with baseball and made me be totally in love with it again. I've never wavered again and I'm really glad it worked out how it did. Every fifth day was like a mini-holiday for awhile there. I saw some amazing games at Miller Park with Zack on the mound and it was pretty awesome. I liked it. Read the rest of this entry »