10
Jul 12

Top 10 @BigRedBBall Tweets (We Have)

Let me begin by saying that I really like Seth McClung.

He's a charismatic and seemingly personable player with whom fans can identify and hope succeeds. Something I like even more than Seth McClung is the concept of Seth McClung having an unfiltered medium to fire off stream of consciousness thoughts, random musings and wild interactions out into the world. Enter @BigRedBBall.

Over the winter, Clunger inked a minor league deal with the Crew with hopes of cracking a big league roster for the first time since he appeared in 41 games for the Brewers in 2009. The low-profile signing was enough to spark a collective "Oh yeah! I remember Seth McClung!" among most Milwaukee faithful. Caught up in Big Red fever myself, as well as the Kenny Powers-type storyline of Southern fried reliever taking a shot at the bigs again, I permitted McClung to join the rarefied ranks of Cinnabon, Dad Boner, adult film star Lexi Belle and CYBORG HANSON TOMMY... also known as "Things and people I follow on Twitter."

In no time, it became obvious that my decision to follow McClung was a great one. Behind the 140 available characters the fringe reliever employed, one tremendous character emerged. Each poorly-punctuated, misspelled, fucked up tweet granted insight into the inner workings of McClung's unconventional mind. In a world where 98 percent of professional athletes waste bandwidth by shitting out unoriginal tweets like "Off to the gym! lol" or typing stupid shit about God or whatever, Seth's unpolished and less-filtered take on tweeting was a refreshing change of pace. Whether tweeting covert pictures from team meetings, publicly asking companies for free shit or throwing me a retweet when I made fun of him, it was all pretty great.

Sadly, after a Spring Training spent making me laugh online and struggling on the mound, McClung failed to earn a spot on Milwaukee's roster and was sent to languish in triple-A Nashville. Around that time, Clunger also unplugged from the Twitter-sphere and went off the grid. Figuring nothing gold can stay, I had the foresight to snag a few screen caps of some particularly enjoyable @BigRedBBall gems. Honestly, some of these don't even scrape the surface of the account's quality. But like the long-extinct Carolina Parakeet, Surge, or the expectation of new episodes of The Office being funny, it's gone now. All we can do is look back on it fondly and appreciate whatever particulate residue remains from it.

I now give you the top 10 @BigRedBBall tweets (we have):

10. "Let her shine by herself Joe"

Raise your hand if you took Seth McClung to be an Idol aficianado? Not so fast, entire universe. My brain read this tweet in the same crying tone that "Leave Britney Alone!!!" dude had.

9. House for sale
Twitter can be used for a lot of things. It's part promotional tool, part sounding board, a means of trying out new jokes, a way to connect. Additionally, you can sell your own house. If I wasn't poor and petrified to be anywhere near Florida for more than 15 minutes, I'd jump at the chance to own something a marginal Brewers pitcher jacked off inside of. Maybe I can find the Quizno's where Ruben Quevedo works.

8. "I think Id play a solid bad guy."

McClung is at that weird level of notoriety where a very small and specific group of people is aware he exists. Where I would be thrilled to see him in a cameo where he's a quirky gas station employee in some road trip boner comedy, 150 percent of the rest of the planet wouldn't recognize him from any other bit actor. When he wrote this, I said "I thought you were the guy who said 'Sweet!' on those Dodger Hemi ads." He replied, "I wish!" and retweeted me. In that fleeting moment, I felt kind of famous. Speaking of, any screenwriters out there have a role for me?

7. Not a morning person.

It happens to the best of us. Just, most of us aren't wearing button down baseball jerseys when we do it.

6. "Learn from a PRO!"

Perhaps Clunger had an inkling a promotion to Milwaukee was unlikely during the spring. Hence him hocking $50 pitching lessons behind the field after practices. Still, it'd be kind of cool to get tips from a pro athlete while at Spring Training. It's times like these I wish I was 10 again and my mom's boyfriend was angling for my approval.

5. Pitchers be prayin'!!!

This is evidence of the hurler's sensitivity. Amid the chaos, Seth would occasionally sprinkle in a mention of how much he missed his wife and daughter, as well as this. Humanizing. Touching. Almost makes you forget that airplanes are exponentially safer than cars are.

4. Thank goodness the Brewers signed Jay Gibbons.

February 28th, 2012. Mark that date down as the first time anyone was happy Jay Gibbons was on their team.

3. Juggler "fore hire."

More shameless self promo. Depending on how much he charges for juggling, this could actually be a pretty good deal. My birthday is December 18th, by the way. WINK! WINK!

2. Send shoes.
"Yo, Nike. Big fan. So... I'm a professional athlete who has a standing offer on his home. I also accept untaxed income to play catch with kids. Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, send me some free shit."

1. "Saw something crazy in the sky..."
Awesome.

McClung's current 2-10 record an 5.17 ERA in 16 starts at Nashville makes him an unlikely call-up for Milwaukee. Plus, there are a heft of better and younger minor league options (many already on the 40-man roster) that would likely take the mound before Seth, even if he turned his season around after the All-Star break. Still, I can take the likelihood of never seeing Seth McClung pitch another inning again, if I could just see one more tweet from @BigRedBBall. RIP.


21
May 12

2012 Brewers Sexual Innuendos

We got your innuendos right HEEEEERE!!!

There's a lot to talk about in terms of the Milwaukee Brewers right now. Team savior Carlos Gomez is back after a short DL stint, Corey Hart got a start at first base, Brooks Conrad was sent back to Nashville (though we can't be entirely sure he was ever even promoted in the first place), Jonathan Lucroy matched Cesar Izturis' lifetime RBI total in one game, and the team remains mired in its prolonged slump.

Really, I don't even know where to begin. So, instead, I'll just add some updates to Miller Park Drunk's ever-growing list of Brewers sexual innuendos because that seems like more fun right now.

Vince wrote a staggering 50 of them last year. Working with his solid foundation, I figured 25 or so more should do the trick. So strap on your perv helmets (a strap-on dildo affixed to your forehead or a toupee made of pubic hair you found in a hospital dumpster) and enjoy our 2012 Brewers Sexual Innuendos.

1. I'm gonna Rollie Fingers up and down your Kottaras.
2. Now it Burnitz when I pee. Still worth it.
3. Would you be my (Jose) Valentine?
4. She can Dusseldorf my brat any time.
5. I wish there was a hotline to see when her roof is open!
6. You should see her Bob Wick, man!
7. I can't promise it'll be a Kwik Trip to her mound.
8. I also usually score when I attempt the squeeze play.
9. I've seen Manny Parra titties in my day, but yours are my favorite
10. Uecker? I Hardly Know Her!
11. I'm not into sausage races. I'm more of a sausage MARATHON kind of guy.
12. Somewhere in Japan, Ichiro Jones also has a massive erection.
13. I'm always up for a double switch.
14. My section is anything but nut free on select home games.
15. Sedar? You brought her!
16. The foot of my bed is also considered the Kalahari Splash Zone. You see, this is a reference to squirting.
17. After I mishandle your urine, you'll get off too.
18. I want to take my K-Rod to your Ax Wound (I got outside help on this one).
19. Girl, I'm gonna make you an honorary Maysonet after I brick all up in your snizz.
20. Let's see how Mike Hunt handles this column.
21. I'm going to ruin you worse than the Jeffrey Hammonds signing ruined the Brewers of the early 2000s.
22. By the time you're done hitting the headboard, you'll forget Jeff Liefer was ever on the Brewers... I mean, again.
23. You're going to Chulk on it, baby.
24. They call me Dick Weeks 'cuz I got penis for days and days.
25. You, me, a single occupancy bathroom on the 400 level, a bottle of Secret Stadium Sauce. You fill in the rest.

BONUS -- fellow MPD contributor Stephanie emailed a few innuendos of her own.

26.Well obvs. Marcum writes itself, ahhaha 'cum'
27. Kameron, blow my Loe'd/load
28. I'll put your Norichika in my Aoki
29. I'd take a peek at KRod's meat rod
30. I'd get sticky from Rickie
31. Tickle my Clittaras/Kottaras
32. I wouldn't mind giving you a Dirty Gomez
33. I just shaved my warning track
34. I'd take a yank on Grienke's crank
35. I'd let the MVP get in my VAG

Have any to add? Put 'em in the comments. You know, or don't. Whatever.


10
May 12

Front Row Amy Something Something

This represents me touching on the Front Row Amy phenomenon. I guess?

Wednesdays game wasn't your usual Milwaukee Brewers contest.

No, no... they still lost. And, obviously, Travis Ishikawa managed to replicate the results of a slumping Ichiro Jones. The most sizable difference (well, two most sizable differences) between this Brewers/Reds rubber match and most other Miller Park home games was the person sitting just left of home plate in row one.

Hoping to capitalize on this phenomenon of assigned seating, this thing called Busted Coverage bought the seat Front Row Amy usually occupies and had the fucking balls to put ANOTHER ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN AMY'S SEAT!!!

Quoth Busted Coverage:

"A few weeks ago while doing some research on the First Lady of Milwaukee baseball, we noticed that the infamous Front Row Amy was selling her seat to several Brewers’ games. She wouldn’t be attending. Had other plans. Suddenly the idea popped into my head. What if we replaced Front Row Amy with a hot chick of our choosing? How would Milwaukee react to a Playboy model sitting in Amy’s seat? Would there be a revolt?"

There was not a revolt. Maybe that was because the mid-week, afternoon game in early May wasn't televised, rendering all--we'll call it--planning for a shake-up for naught. But probably, it was because swapping one out-of-focus female fan's upper torso for another is meaningless. So good work, Busted Coverage. You've accomplished nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true. That poorly-thought promotion gives me the slightest window of timeliness to ask my beloved Brewer fan faithful once and for all... what's with this Front Row Amy business?

Before 800 of you direct your pent up sexual rage at me, allow me to clarify. I have absolutely nothing against "Front Row" Amy Williams. From what I know about her, she's a passionate, knowledgeable, devoted and uniquely-positive member of the Brewers fanbase. The team could benefit from having more fans with her spirit. She even keeps score for Christ's sake! And, yeah, she's very pretty.

What I do have a problem with, though, is the growing group of weirdos who've made Front Row Amy a household name around these parts, those who've contributed to all 2,000 minutes to what should've been 15 minutes of her fame, those whose obsession makes stupid Bro-motions like Wednesday's front row swap possible.

Maybe this makes me a Gaylord or whatever the proper homophobic terminology is these days, but when I turn on a Brewer game, I do so with the sole intent of watching a Brewer game. Fetching as Ms. Williams is (especially for a lady born in the 1960s!), nothing is gained or lost from her being in the front row. Call me crazy, but I'm more concerned with minor details like the score of the game, the latest ACL explosion, pitch counts, tavern of the game winners, that new fucker who horned his way into the Leinie's ads, drinking every time Rock says "bloop and a blast" and the myriad of everyday worries that manage to creep into my skull to even give a second thought to a woman in the stands.

Obviously, I'm in the minority, as Amy has accrued quite the fan base... even prompting special events and signings at shitty bars like The Bad Badger in Appleton. Again, I don't blame her a bit for capitalizing on the drool and boners of fellow fans. I'd do the same thing, likely with less tact.

I really hate to be so judgmental against the preferences of others, but I simply don't understand how the Front Row Amy phenomenon has both grown so huge and sustained this long. Call me old fashioned, but if I feel the need to squeeze off to some MILF's titties during a baseball broadcast, I'll pull up a Shayla Laveaux video on RedTube during a pitching change or something. You can literally see ANYTHING on the Internet--including boobs that aren't partially covered by a Brewers shirt. Better yet, you can make interpersonal moves in your life to better the chances a woman will permit you to actually touch her body.

Writing this has only perpetuated the legend of Front Row Amy. But if just one fan takes his or her fixation on blurry, clothed chest beefers looming in the front row and, instead, redirects that lust for Amy into hatred for that Happy Youngster dude, I've done my job.


28
Mar 12

Forward Fabrics to Host Thing

I was prompted to contribute to Miller Park Drunk by the three Ps: The posting (of which I do very little), the puss (of which there is none) and the promotion...

Oh, HEY! Did I mention I own a business?

You may have seen the name Forward Fabrics mentioned on this site. Maybe you "Like" Forward Fabrics on Facebook, or noticed the ad on the right side of this very page.

Regardless, my Wisconsin-themed novelty shirt business is about to celebrate its first birthday. To mark the anniversary and to help kick off another baseball season, Forward Fabrics is teaming up with the now-defunct Right Field Bleachers (which I was part of) to throw a party in Appleton this weekend.

The details
Saturday, March 31 at the Maritime Tavern (336 W. Wisconsin Ave., Appleton).

Forward Fabrics will sell shirts for only $12 ($3 less than usual), and others for $5. "I Hart MKE" prints will be $3 while they last. Right Field Bleachers will sell its remaining shirts for super-low, closeout prices.

Aside from the shirt savings and Maritime's always-affordable drinks, some of our favorite Wisconsin bands will perform. Those include:

Sunday Flood
This Appleton rock 'n' roll outfit is one of my favorite bands and is comprised of some of my favorite humans. At 16 years old, Sunday Flood is showing no signs of stopping. This event will also serve as Sunday Flood's release show for a new, limited edition CD. Hear them HERE.

The Fatty Acids

The Fatty Acids
I've never personally met TFA, but the quintet of Milwaukee indie rockers is my favorite in the city. I fell in love with its 2011 album Leftover Monsterface and am honored they agreed to drive 100 miles to play in a place they never have because a stranger wanted them to. Before this motivated and unique group of youngsters explodes, this is your chance to say you saw them in a 95 person capacity bar. Hear more HERE.

Haunted Heads
Haunted Heads is a no-nonsense Oshkosh rock band who blindsides listeners with catchy hooks amid angular guitar parts. Haunted Heads' members come from the ranks of various noted Midwestern bands of yore, including h. Chinaski, Happy and Drop Dead Giants. Hear them HERE.

Scarlet Escape
Appleton/Milwaukee act Scarlet Escape is technically not a band any more, but we're glad they deem this event worth reuniting for. The band is back together again... for one night only (until they're asked to play again!). They--like Sunday Flood--have played every Right Field Bleachers event. We're glad they agreed to play this one, and you'll be too. Hear more HERE.

The show begins at 9:30 and is FREE. Come and get shitfaced and talk baseball with us.

If you can't make it, you can always order shirts from my site. And I'm sure Miller Park Drunk and Forward Fabrics will collaborate on a Pants Party and post-Pant Party concert in Milwaukee at some point this season.

We'll now return to your regularly-schedule baseball posts.


23
Mar 12

What Drafting Brewers In Your Fantasy League Says About You

Don't let my social awkwardness, my obsession with stand-up comedy, the list of two-letter Scrabble words I've committed to memory, the TWO fact books I own, the drunken conversations I've had about AP Style changes, and my mere participation on this baseball blog fool you... I am not cool in the slightest. In fact, I consider myself to be something of a nerd. Furthering my nerd status is my rabid participation in a fantasy baseball league.

"I got Matsui!"

Unlike its football counterpart that requires NO knowledge or effort, the pastime-NAY-art of fantasy baseball takes considerable research, careful roster management and thorough preparation to be done with any skill. It's also important to set aside personal preferences and unwillingness to draft players you dislike so that you can build a winner. I'm willing to bet someone in Wisconsin lost his or her league last year because they drafted Zack Greinke before Justin Verlander, or let Starlin Castro fall to the next guy in the league because he's a Cub.

Still, it's nice to have a Brewers player on your roster, if you can swing it without reaching too much to do so. It ensures you'll have a real life rooting interest for at least one player on your fake-ass squadron of stat producers. When he does well, it's like a double bonus. So if, like me, your draft is this weekend, feel free to reach for your favorite Brewer... or ANY Brewer left before they all fly off the board much too soon. But know what taking said player says about you.

Ryan Braun - You have a good chance of winning your league no matter who the other players on your team are.

Rickie Weeks - Getting a quality second baseman is important to you, but not important enough to have taken Robinson Cano, Ian Kinsler, Dustin Pedroia, Brandon Phillips or Ben Zobrist earlier.

Mat Gamel - Prince who?!? Prince Fielder. You know, that guy taken eight rounds earlier. That's cool though, you (not unlike the Brewers) chose to fill other holes in your lineup and hinge your 1B on upside. We all hope it works out.

Matt Gamel - You purchased a Lindy's fantasy baseball guide.

Zack Greinke - Someone else in your league either kept or prematurely drafted Yovani Gallardo, so you'll have to settle for the most valuable Brewers pitcher in fantasy baseball.

Yovani Gallardo - See above. That, or you're in a league lacking in homerism and Greinke was already taken. You're still getting a great pitcher... though not a fantasy ace.

George Kottaras - You are in the type of fantasy league where you draft players based on sexual fantasies you have about them. And you had the first overall pick. I wish I was an eighth as handsome as he is.

Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez - You're using a fantasy magazine from last year.

Aramis Ramirez - After years of refusing to draft Aramis based on his Cubs affiliation or lack of lineup support in Pittsburgh, you decided this is the year he suits up for you. Sure, he's on the down slope of his career, but good for you on getting a top 10 talent at third.

Shaun Marcum - After making him the scapegoat following his abysmal post season performance, you managed to pull your head out of your ass and recognize Marcum is a legitimately good pitcher, and one of the best (default) No. 3s in baseball when he's going right. Still, with probably 8-12 teams in your league plucking aces and No. 2s from 30 teams, you've hopefully waited until the later rounds to invest in the Shaun Marcum reclamation project.

John Axford - You like mustaches, saves and winning fantasy matchups. Just don't expect his to be quite as amazing as he was last year. 2011 Axford is hard to top.

Corey Hart - You either need a viable second or third OF, or you're hoping to cash in on some multi-position eligibility in a few months. Either way, you'll probably get your wish.

Alex Gonzalez - Scenario 1: Your league uses off-brand stickers that have abbreviated first names. Temporarily thinking Adrian Gonzalez is somehow still available in this, the 16th round, your strut to the board and sticker that bitch with an "A. Gonzalez" without a moment's hesitation--not realizing Adrian was taken long ago and you're stuck with Alex Gonzo at shortstop (which you've probably already filled, since you were intending to pick a 1B anyway). Scenario 2: You are not very good at fantasy baseball and actually wanted Alex Gonzalez.

Chris Narveson - You're like 45 and you are locally famous for some reason.

Nori Aoki/Nyjer Morgan/Carlos Gomez - You're in a daily transaction league in which you always have the top waiver spot. Add that particular day's center fielder and together they'll form one tremendous outfielder.

Jonathan Lucroy - It was after round five, you didn't have a catcher so you thought, "Whatever. I need a catcher and I know this one." Using that logic, you could be the GM for any team Gregg Zaun has ever played on. If you keep your expectations in check, you won't be sorry with Lucroy's passable offensive production.

Randy Wolf - You're George Kottaras. Congratulations. I'm attracted to you, even though I'm not gay. I hope that interesting little piece of honesty at least partially makes up for having Randy Wolf (a solid, albeit not the best fantasy pitcher) on your fantasy team.

Seth McClung - You are Seth McClung.

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