The season is just around the corner here and the Milwaukee Brewers are currently one of the favorites in the NL Central, but that doesn't mean it's a sure thing. There are still five other teams that want the title who will be fighting for it all season. Do they have a shot? That's what we're going to find out as we work with fans from other teams to figure out how everything is going to play out and exactly what it is we're dealing with. That's right it's the 2011 NL Central Previews!

Today's Guest: Chad Trixie aka Wrigley Field Drunk

SUP BROS and BRO-ETTES?

It's been awhile, but I couldn't let a Chicago Cubs season preview be written at this god forsaken site without me being a part of it. I know the way that d-bag editor of this site likes to do things, but not on my watch pal!

Before we get to the Chicago Cubs I'd like to talk about myself for a moment. You see, a lot has changed since you last heard from me. For one, I got married. A beautiful girl from Deerfield named Trixie. Yeah, I know, Trixie Trixie crazy right? We met at a bar (where else?) and had this one really awesome night. We did like six or seven Jager bombs and then I drove her home to my place where we got freaky. I lasted like ten minutes, it was awesome. Then I didn't see her for three months and she ends up calling me out of the blue talking about how she wants to get back together and how I was the best lover she ever had and how she wants her kids to look like me and how, oh by the way, she's pregnant. So I was like "oh I like you too" and "are you sure it's mine?" And she's like "of course, you're the only one I've been with" and I was all like "pssh yeah right", but eventually it all worked out and we got married. It was a pretty sweet wedding. Not as good as the bachelor party which was frickin' bonkers, bro. (Four words: triple lapdance in Vegas. INSANE.) The honeymoon was all right, but would have been a lot better if she wasn't all fat and shit. I mean I know it's like my baby in there, but do some situps or something. Jeez.

Yeah so anyways, married with one on the way. Crazy right?

I haven't really had that much time for the Cubs with all this stuff going on. Most of my free time is spent at the titty bar or just drinking with my bros. When I'm home Trixie always wants to watch Dancing With the Stars or American Idol and I'm not really with that. We do watch Jersey Shore together, natch. GTL bro! I've just really been into the Bears and the strike and everything, really. I went to the Bears/Seahawks game in January and me and my bros totally beat this Seahawks fan's ass. It was awesome. But I talked to a couple of my bros about the Cubs and they told me some things, so here's my preview of the Cubbies 2011 season.

We got Garza which is pretty tight. Zambrano looks to be back to his old self. I just hope he doesn't attack any Gatorade bottles or anything, lol. Dempster is still like one of the coolest bros to ever pitch for the Cubs ever. I love that guy. And we got Wood back! Had to pull my old "We Got Wood" shirt out and everything. Our pitching should be sick.

The lineup on the other hand is kinda wack. Colvin, Soriano (worst hitter ever), Soto and Byrd are alright, but the rest is wack. Fukodome what a waste of yen that guy was. And what the hell is Blake Dewitt doing here? Where did Theriot go? The Cards? Like wtf, man. Jim Hendry needs to get his priorities in check.

The biggest move the Cubs made is prolly replacing Lou Piniella with Mark Quade. I like Quade. He reminds me of my uncle Rick who gave me my first beer when I was 9. He was like "don't act like an idiot and don't tell your mom, just be cool" and I drank like three of his Old Styles and passed out playing F-Zero. That's Quade, man. He says just go out there and do your thing and let's the guys do it. He's the guy for the job, bro.

I'm not really sure if this team has what it takes to make it to the playoffs, but that doesn't really matter because my kid is due around that time and that's right when Bears season starts. (FINGERS CROSSED!) It's gonna be pretty busy so unless the Cubs win like 100 games I don't really care.

Before I get to the Cubs, I want to say a few things about some of the things that have been going on at this god forsaken site lately.

• I don't see what everyone's problem with Ryan Braun's restaurant hiring good looking people. We do this in Chicago all the time. You know why? Because if we hired a fat girl to work at Giordano's she'd eat all the pizza!
• Here's something I actually agreed with, the Opening Day post. I love Opening Day because I can go down to Wrigley Field about 8am and start doing Jager bombs. I usually get so drunk I totally miss the game, lol. One time my boy Danno got so wasted he got thrown out of the bleachers. That's like getting arrested in jail. Classic. I never miss Opening Day.
• You people in Milwaukee have some crappy tattoos. You need to get some cool barbed wire around your muscle like me. You'd probably have to stop eating cheese and actually work out to do that though. NEVERMIND!
• Finally, this pro wrestling post may be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. What's next, MPD? What Star Trek characters are Brewers? What Dungeons N Dragons guys are Brewers? What Brewer would be the best at World of Warcraft? Way to show your nerd colors, nerd.

Enough of this stupid Brewer talk because the BREWERS SUCKKKK!. Let's talk about a real baseball team. Let's talk about YOUR CHICAGO CUBBIES!

BASEBALL SEASONS HERE AGAIN, YOU CAN CATCH THE GAMES ON WGN. DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOOT DOOT. HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

KEY LOSS: Milton Bradley. Hey Milton, thanks for ruining 2009. I really appreciated that. Look what this stupid idiot said:

"Two years ago, I played, and I was good, I go to Chicago, not good. I've been good my whole career. So, obviously, it was something with Chicago, not me."

YEAH THATS IT. It was Chicago's fault you couldn't hit! Jerk. Losing Milton gives the Cubbies another ten wins on it's own.

GO CUBS GO, GO CUBS GOOO. HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GONNA WIN TODAY

OTHER KEY LOSS: Reed Johnson. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

When I found out he was leaving I went up to the first girl I saw and called her a bitch. It's the only way I could properly express my feelings. So, sorry about that mom.

/cries in Old Style

GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY MILLER PARK DRUNK READERS WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

KEY ADDITION: Marlon Byrd. The best thing about Marlon Byrd? HE'S NOT MILTON BRADLEY! +100 WINS

pleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjrpleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjrpleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjr

Another key addition is my local tavern adding the new Budweiser 55 calorie beer. That stuff is great.

OFFENSE MVP: Derrick Lee. How many seasons does he have to do this before you guys understand? HE IS THE MAN.

You know who else is the man? Christian Audigier. I owe my life to that guy.

/throws up the scissors

PITCHING MVP: Ummmm, ahhh.... STRENGTH IN NUMBERS! Yeah! I'll take our 5 starters over any other teams 5 starters! Any! Day! Of the! Week!

True story: My buddy Mick's old girlfriend met Ryan Dempster at a bar downtown one night and she was like "hay arent u ryan dempster" and hes like "ya wanna have sex with me right now in the bathroom?" and she was like "ok lets go" and he was like "ok follow me" and then they did it in the bathroom! My buddy Mick was so proud that he didn't even get mad about it. The best part of the story? She said I was bigger than Dumpster! That chick banged everybody, man.

GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY WISCONSIN DOUCHEBAGS WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

AWARDS THE CUBS WILL WIN: MVP (Lee), Rolaids Relief Man (Marmol), Manager of the Year, Executive of the Year, Gold Glove (all positions), Silver Slugger (all positions)

PROJECTED RECORD: 120-42.

CHICAGO CUBS GOT THE GREATEST FANS! YOU'RE SINGING NOW, GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GONNA WIN TODAY!

FINAL THOUGHTS: You guys probably think that record is crazy considering it would break the Cubs own record for wins in a season, but you have to figure that the Cubs play the Brewers 15 times. That's 15 wins right there. This is easily a 105 win team, but when you throw in playing the Brewers they suddenly become legen...wait for it.. and you people from Wisconsin try not to get too excited because the second part is your favorite thing in the world... dary.

Suck it, Brewer pricks. Packers suck.

Look dudes I got better things to do than sit around on my computer and clickity-clack on the keyboard about baseball all day. I could go out and, you know, SLEEP WITH WOMEN. I am not a nerd blogger like you guys living in your moms basement. I like to go out and drink and sleep with chicks and update my fantasy team. I like to drive my BMW with the top down listening to Soulja Boy as loud as it goes. I could be shopping at American Eagle right now instead of writing on this stupid blog. I could be drinking a dub rum d (double rum and diet to the uninitiated) at a strip club getting a lap dance right now. Instead I am writing on the internet about baseball? No thanks. Baseball is dumb anyways. I prefer football. Not only that, but I have the best fantasy team ever this year. Check out my roster.

QB: ROMO
RB: AP
RB: SLATON
WR: GREG JENNINGS
WR: HESTER~
FLEX: D MCFADDEN
TE: SHIANCOE
D: DALLAS
K: RACKERS

Sick right? So why should I care about the Cubs or the Brewers? It's not like they are going to win anything anyways. My fantasy team? CHAMPIONS.

Before I go and leave this god forsaken blog forever I just have one thing left to say.

And if you don't like that? I got two words for ya:

SUCK IT!!!!!!

1. 
   Fukudome has kinda been a letdown, but this shirt still makes me laugh every time.
2. 
   Some people prefer the "Pujols mows Wrigley" shirt, but I think this one is perfect. Ozzie just looks like he mows lawns.
3. 
   I don't know what I love more about this shirt, the fact that it exists or the fact that I am able to buy it.
4. 
   Because sausage is another word for penis lol.
5. 
   Get it? Pujols, POO HOLES? HAHAHA.
   Best. Shirt. Ever.

My summer home in Lake Geneva

I have been a Cubs fan all my life ever since the day my mom dropped me off at my dad's and he sat me down in front of the TV when I was two years old and told me to stop crying and watch the Cubbies. I watched Harry Caray that day and I thought "I wish this guy was my dad." (KIDDING POPS!) I was hooked from the start. Since then I have attended numerous Cubs games both at Wrigley and in Milwaukee. Yet every time I have gone to Milwaukee and every time I have written for this website, I have been hated. WHY?

I don't get it. I have been going to Wisconsin my whole life. We have a summer home in Lake Geneva. We spend money at your restaurants. We pay your parking tickets. We go to your ballpark and we sell the place out. Then we stay in your crappy hotels (can a brother get a Drake Hotel?) and eat at your crappy restaurants (oooh fried cod, how original). Yet when we show up at the game we get shit on. What did we ever do to you? Besides, you know, be better than you at baseball.

It's gotta be jealousy. You have a dude like Paul Moliter, we had Ryne Sandburg. You had a dude like Greg Vaughn, we had a SAMMY SOSA. We spend tons of money to make our team better, you draft guys and hope they work out. You idiots like to say "oh you haven't won a Series since 1918", but have you ever even been to the World Series? Didn't think so.

I mean just because you guys have to live in Wisconsin and eat wheels of cheese for dinner every night doesn't mean you have to take it out on us. Sorry we live in a real city with real people in it. Wisconsin probably wouldn't even be there if it wasn't for us and our money, it'd probably just get sucked into Canada and nobody would ever notice. SO GET OVER IT.

We are the real fans and the fact that you hate us just proves it. When I am in the stands yelling "Ryan Braun is a faggot" that shows how much I love my team and the fact that you tell me to shut up proves that you don't. Why not stick up for yourself instead? You think I care about little kids in the stands? They need to learn at an early age that the Cubs are amazing and not to waste their time on the Brewers. If I say Princess Fielder's slave name is Kunta Kinte, so what? I paid to be there I can say whatever I want. It's dickholes like you Brewers fans that turn it into something bad. I'm not racist, I am just trying to get in his head so he strikes out. Excuse me for being a fan.

When I took over this blog I thought we could turn it into something really special and I have written some REALLY AMAZING FUNNY stuff and scored an AMAZIN INTERVIEW~, but I guess writing better and funnier stuff isn't what you guys are looking for if it's not about your precious Brewers who, by the way, are in third place (I know this because the Wrigley flags tell me so) and have gotten their ASSES KICKED by the Cubs the past two days.

The deal is the Cubs are going to win the World Series next year and you dumbasses in Wisconsin aren't even going to know it because you are too busy drinking brandy old fashions, watching the Packers and complaining about Brett Favre. So why don't you stop pretending you even like baseball and just give us the keys to Miller Park already?

(And if you do like baseball, there is still plenty of room on the bandwagon.)