2009 Milwaukee Brewers team awards

In case you didn't hear the Brewers recently announced their team awards and the results weren't that surprising. From the JSONLINE:

First baseman Prince Fielder and right-hander Yovani Gallardo were named the Milwaukee Brewers' most valuable player and most valuable pitcher, respectively, for 2009 in balloting conducted by the Milwaukee chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America.

Other award winners were closer Trevor Hoffman as top newcomer, reliever Todd Coffey as unsung hero and veteran infielder Craig Counsell as recipient of the "Good Guy" award.

(Quick tangent: The Milwaukee chapter of the BBWAA? We have ONE daily newspaper here, how many people can be in it? Seriously, is this just Tony W, Tom H and Mike Hunt voting? Is this a joke? I mean, it's not like they allow broadcasters in here and Uecker got a vote. Who are the people voting on this? I can't find one of them on the BBWAA Wikipedia page. It has to just be the guys at the Journal Sentinel, there is nobody else. So why not just say that?)

Anyways, since this is America and it's full of PC crap where everyone gets a trophy and little league games end in a tie these weren't the only awards handed out. In fact, everyone gets an award! Why let anyone feel left out? These are millionaire baseball players that get tons of adulation and hook up with different women every night, we don't want to hurt their feelings! We need to coddle them and what better way to coddle them than by awarding them for things? Seriously, I want an answer.

Luckily, I have sources and they were able to get me the complete list of Brewers awards handed out to the players and I now present them here for you.

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MVP: Prince Fielder

Pitcher of the Year: Yovani Gallardo

Unsung Hero: Todd Coffey

Good Guy: Craig Counsell

Top Newcomer: Trevor Hoffman

You're Still Our Favorite: Ryan Braun

Player We Are Most Likely To Miss Badly When Team Decides Not To Re-Sign Him: Mike Cameron

Thanks for the Memories, Now Get The F@%& Outta Here: JJ Hardy

Best Newcomer, For Real: Alcides Escobar

A for Effort: Jeff Suppan

B for Effort: Mike Burns

C for Effort: Corey Hart

A for Occassional Effort: Manny Parra

Midseason Acquisition That No One Else Wanted That Turned Out Awesome: Frank Catalanotto

Best Sleeves: Felipe Lopez

Best First Month: Rickie Weeks

Best Smile: Bill Hall

Least Surprising Strikeout: Corey Patterson

Best Skinheaded Slipknot Fan: Jason Kendall

Name That Gives Us No Clue As To Your Nationality: Hernan Iribarren

Tweeter of the Year: Seth McClung

You Know, When We Think About It You Probably Should Have Gotten A Few More Starts: Mike Rivera

Best Backup Outfielder to Get Sent Down and Never Come Back: Chris Duffy

Sorry We Expected You To Be Ryan Braun From Day One: Mat Gamel

We Didn't Realize You Hit More Homeruns As A Brewer Than Tony Gwynn Jr Has Ever Hit: Jody Gerut

It's Still Fun To Say Your Last Name: Carlos Villanueva

Really Unsung Hero: Chris Smith

We Can't Think of Anything So Here's An Award: John Axford and Josh Butler (tie)

Best Beard: Dave Bush

Ha, Remember That Guy: Brad Nelson

Come Back Soon: Chris Narveson

Beavis and Butthead Award for Best First Name: RJ Swindle (hu-huh, RJ)

Best Jesus: Jesus Colome

Thank God You Are Gone: Jorge Julio

Where Did You Come From?: Mark DiFelice

Lefty of the Year: Mitch Stetter

Best OPS: Carlos Corporan

Free Money: David Riske

Thanks For Never Making Us Call You Dillweed: Tim Dillard

That One Homerun Was Pretty Cool: Jason Bourgeois

Wow, I Really Thought You Would Suck But You Totally Surprised Me: Claudio Vargas

Best Name for Bad Headlines: Dave Weathers

Winner of the Year: Braden Looper

Rookie of the Year and The Fact That We Got You From The Cubs For Nothing Is Awesome: Casey McGehee

And there you have it, your 2009 Milwaukee Brewers Team Awards!