Hey look, it's JJ Hardy! Remember him? He was a Brewer last year. I wonder what he's been up to lately. .226/.275/.346? That's like Gregg Zaun in April bad, only without the getting better in May part. Yikes. Let's see how he feels about that.
What's up cheese for brains... brains?
I saw that you finally won a game last night, that must have been so exciting for you. Wins are kind of old news up here in Minnesota, we're usually win like 10 or eleven games a week up here. It's a lot different than Milwaukee, that's for sure. For one, we play outdoors not like you wussies with your roof. You know what happened the other day? It rained. On the baseball field. I was like "close the roof!" and Justin Morneau was all like "we don't have a roof bro." It was nuts, man.
So how's that new shortstop working out for you? Owl City Escobar, right? How many homeruns does he got? Two? That's it, really? Only two? Pssh, I have three already and I've played like 15 less games than he has. Good thing you traded me, haha. Wasn't he supposed to be some kind of savior or something? Number one prospect, my butthole.
How about that guy you traded me for, Carlos something-Mexican? Perez? Gonzalez? Chimichanga? How's he doing? Three homeruns too, eh? That's pretty good. I bet his average isn't as good as mine though. Oh? Well, how about his OBS or whatever? 71 points higher, are you sure? Well, it's early. I'm sure he'll go on a cold streak sooner or later. As long as mine's higher than Al Sea-Tac's Scuba Gear, I'm good.
Wait, what!? Al-CT's Opie's S is 38 points higher than mine? What kind of bizzarro world are we living in here? Oh, that's right. You guys play in the piece of cake National League, not the extremely hard American League like we do. He'd probably have like a -14 one if the Brewers were in the AL and Ryan Braun would probably have the exact same numbers as me. That's how good the AL is. We play the Yankees 15 times a month and every game is in Yankee Stadium. And they get to wear gloves during the seventh and we don't. The AL is rough, man.
Say, did I mention that we're in first place? You guys got like 31 losses, right? We have 31 wins. How does that make you feel? I bet you regret trading me, that's for sure. I'm a winner, you see. But guess what? I would never come back to Milwaukee. It's so much better up here. The weather? Awesome. It's been 35 or higher every game this season. I like my new teammates, my new coaches and most of all, the new fans love me. The other day I was down at the mall getting a new pair of contacts and this girl at the glasses store totally smiled at me. She was really like going out of her way to help me so I asked her out, but she had a boyfriend. (Of course!) I told her I was a baseball player, but she said her boyfriend was "between jobs" right now and it would be a bad time to leave him. I think without that boyfriend she totally would have gone for coffee or something. Minnesota people are just better than you guys like that.
Look, I'm not trying to rag on Milwaukee. I had a few good years there that prepared me to move onto the next stage of my career here in Minnesota. I have no regrets and wish no ill will on Milwaukee. It's just that Minneapolis/St. Paul is so much better than Milwaukee. I mean, it's two different cities but it's also one big city too. Prince lives here you know. Hey, did you know we don't bury our own garbage here? We ship it off to Wisconsin and pay them to bury it for us. Isn't that awesome? (I guess you could say that's what the Twins did with that guy you got in the trade for me too. lol!)
So yeah, it's pretty awesome up here. I just wanted to let you know that there is no bad blood and that everything is okay now. I don't want you guys to hate me like Brett Favre and think all your best players just go to Minnesota. Trust me, this worked out for the best for me. Wisconsin was one thing and this is another better thing for me. It's hard to explain.
Okay, that explained it pretty good actually. So, umm, good luck I guess. Maybe see you around or something. Probably not though, it's like a six hour drive.
Oh, if you see Rickie tell him to give me a call okay? That dude does not reply to my emails.