Better Know Your Brewers: The Newcomers

It's about that time of the year when most people are like "oh hey baseball exists wassup wit dat stuff?" and are beginning to become interested in it. (At least until the NFL Draft.) You may be peppered with tons of questions like "Is Ryan Brawn still good?", "Did they fire Yost yet?" and "CAN I GO TO OPENING DAY WITHOUT A TICKET? I JUST WANT TO DRINK IN THE LOT!" Things have changed and you might not even have noticed. That's why we're here to tell you all about it.

NEWCOMER: Randy Wolf
RELEVANT MPD POST: Casual Brewer Randy Wolf
WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW HIM: He's going to be here awhile, like the next three years. Plus, he's supposed to be the savior of our pitching rotation. No big deal.
MADE UP FACT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Randy is a regular user of craigslist's "missed connection" feature.
INTERESTING FACT(S) THAT IS TRUE: His brother, Jim Wolf, is an MLB Umpire. He bought his Hollywood Hills home from Slash. No word on how many needles were found during the move.
WORTH BUYING HIS JERSEY? You wouldn't be wrong to, but you wouldn't be right to either.
THING TO YELL IF HE SUCKS: "Hey Randy, you suck!"
RECOMMENDED AT-BAT MUSIC: Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf" seems like an obvious choice, but I'd like for him to go with The Mama's and the Papa's "California Dreamin'". 1.) because it's obvious he'd rather be playing in California and 2.) because anytime I get the chance to make John and Mackenzie Phillips jokes, I'll take it.

NEWCOMER: LaTroy Hawkins
RELEVANT MPD POST: LaTroy Hawkins? I know that guy
WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW HIM: He's the savior of the bullpen, taking over the primary set up role and is the #1 insurance at closer in case anything happens to Trevor Hoffman. No pressure.
MADE UP FACT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Born in Gary, IN his parents originally moved there in hopes of him hooking up with the Jackson 5 to become a sixth Jackson brother or at least marry LaToya ("The Toya"), but he was deemed "too urban" by Joe Jackson and chose to pursue baseball instead of music and love.
INTERESTING FACT(S) THAT IS TRUE: The literal translation of his name is "The Troy" and the Brewers are his eighth team.
THING TO YELL IF HE SUCKS: "Hey LaTroy, you suck!"
RECOMMENDED AT-BAT MUSIC: Ideally, this late inning reliever never bats ever but his "coming out of the bullpen" song should be Wyclef Jean's "Anything Can Happen". You enter a tie game, anything can happen. I enter with a lead, cause anything can happen.

NEWCOMER: Doug Davis
RELEVANT MPD POST: Doug Davis wants another chance
WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW HIM: He's back! If you weren't paying attention you could think he never left. There's a chance that he could perform as good or better than Randy Wolf this season, which would be weird because he gets paid like $4m less, but would also be awesome.
MADE UP FACT YOU NEED TO KNOW: As seen in the relevant MPD post, he hates the hot weather with a passion.
INTERESTING FACT(S) THAT IS TRUE: He went to a college called "Diablo Valley College" which totally sounds like a fake college from a movie.
WORTH BUYING HIS JERSEY? No, but if you still has his in your closet from 2003-2006 feel free to bust it out.
THING TO YELL IF HE SUCKS: "Hey Doug, glad to see you came back from thyroid cancer and I wish the best for you health but you suck! Nothing has changed!"
RECOMMENDED AT-BAT MUSIC: Davis is one of the worst hitters of all time sporting a .087 batting average in his 11-year career. Still it's only a few points behind Jason Kendall. Because of this I have to go with "Everything Sucks" by Reel Big Fish. For one, it's true that when he bats that everything sucks. For another, it's nice ska music that relaxes you into thinking that maybe everything doesn't suck. By the time you get done dancing, he'll be out. Win-win.

NEWCOMER: Gregg Zaun
RELEVANT MPD POST: Casual Brewer Gregg Zaun
WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW HIM: He's our new catcher. He's not amazing, but over the past five season he's been quite a bit better than Jason Kendall. Every little bit counts.
MADE UP FACT YOU NEED TO KNOW: The show "Fight Quest" is based on his offseason workout regime.
INTERESTING FACT(S) THAT IS TRUE: The fan club on his website is called "Zaunbie Nation". It also plays Rush. It's my favorite website ever.
WORTH BUYING HIS JERSEY? My heart says yes, but my wallet says no. Like Mike Cameron this is a time when the t-shirt jersey is applicable because he probably won't be around long enough to go the full monty.
THING TO YELL IF HE SUCKS: "I thought we got rid of Jason Kendall!"
RECOMMENDED AT-BAT MUSIC: This is one time where the obvious answer is the perfect one. Kernkfraft 400's "Zombie Nation". (Side note: I just listened to this and am now ready to frickin' PARTY. What a song.)

NEWCOMER: Carlos Gomez
RELEVANT MPD POST: Carlos Gomez What The People Are Saying (honorable mention: What are you running from, Carlos Gomez?)
WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW HIM: He's what we got for JJ Hardy. He's who replaced Mike Cameron. He is our center fielder of the future.
MADE UP FACT YOU NEED TO KNOW: He wrote this song and sang it about himself.
INTERESTING FACT(S) THAT IS TRUE: He is my favorite example of Telly Hughes being an idiot. I can't wait til they are reunited.
WORTH BUYING HIS JERSEY? Only if you don't want me to like you. Cameron. Never forget.
THING TO YELL IF HE SUCKS: "Once a Met, always a Met!"
RECOMMENDED AT-BAT MUSIC: Mini Daddy's "El Nino Mas Bonito", but only if they play the video on the screen.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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One comment on “Better Know Your Brewers: The Newcomers

  1. Anonymous on said:

    fat kids doing things like real people are funny.

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