Brew Year’s Resolutions

It's been more than two weeks, over a fortnight, since the world awoke to a new year. And though New Year's day is really just another day we're forced to trudge through in this harsh and unforgiving hellscape called "life", the beginning of the calendar can serve as the origin point for significant personal change and improvement.

In 2011, I started a business. I met my incredible now-girlfriend. Death From Above 1979 reunited, and I saw them in Chicago. The Packers won the Super Bowl and Brewers had an unforgettable season. Still, I look back on 2011 and I think it--for the most part--sucked maj dog-dick. Sure, it looked good, on paper, but I'm still a fish-lipped geek without heath insurance who's living in a shitty 2 BR upper on the Southside of Milwaukee. I have only 145 Twitter followers... almost all those are of the fake hot chick virus robot account variety. Almost every one of my major life goals remains unmet. Things could always be better. So it's nice to feel like the flipping of a calendar can bring change, usher in improvement and make room for personal growth... even though, you know, none of that stuff will probably happen.

The Brewers, too, enjoyed a decidedly good 2011. However, any season not ending in a World Series win is one to be improved upon. Obviously, the club aspires to win the World Series this year, even though the Alex Gonzalez signing seems to indicate otherwise (rim shot!). Beyond that, we can only speculate the resolutions of each individual Brewers player. And since signing Brooks Conrad and a lumpy ginger to minor league deals isn't exactly post worthy, speculate is exactly what I'll do. Here are your 2012 Brew Year's Resolutions.

Nyjer Morgan - Improve spelling and grammar to "some."

Ryan Braun - Finalize plans to endorse a chic new designer herpes medication, the world's first STD treatment in energy drink form. I know... this was not my best work.

Jeff Bianchi.

Jeff Bianchi - Get recognized by somebody. Anybody.

John Axford - Ironically grow another mustache on top of his current mustache. Also, incorporate more #stashing into his everyday life. Did you guys know John Axford has a mustache?

Prince Fielder - Find a new job, preferably not in Seattle.

Yovani Gallardo - Get a bobblehead made in his honor before George Kottaras does.

Joe Block - Redesign his website.

Mark Rogers - Learn to pitch by using his legs instead of his arms. This will come in handy later.

Aramis Ramirez - No resolution necessary.

Mat Gamel - Redeem himself in the eyes of fans after the drunken Twitter gaffe he's inevitably going to have.

Brock Kjeldgaard - Come to terms with his name being too difficult to spell for any writers to make a case for him making the 25-man roster, no matter how good his spring training numbers are.

Rickie Weeks - Calligraphy lessons.

Chris Narveson - Lay it to Front Row Amy while both of them remain at least somewhat relevant to Brewers fans.

Francisco Rodriguez - Get better at realizing when he's not wanted somewhere.

Tim Dillard - Win a bar tab with his impersonations at Comedy Sportz's open mic night. Probably pitching-related stuff, too.

Jonathan Lucroy - Get closer to Randy Wolf.

Randy Wolf - Get Jonathan Lucroy traded.

Zack Greinke - "Why would I need a resolution? This is stupid. I'm going back to bed."

Shaun Marcum - Instead of having all but five good-to-great outings, having exclusively great outings. He should have realized last year that Brewer fans, most of which had never heard of him 18 months ago, expect absolute perfection from our No. 3 starter.

Corey Hart - Probably something about him knocking his wife up all the time or having stupid tattoos. I don't know, man. This is like the 20th one of these I've done.

Carlos Gomez - Have a career year (this will happen).

Taylor Green - Tirelessly try and chase last season's popular "Beast Mode" celebration with a misguided Happy Feet Two pantomime.

Miller Park Drunk - Post more often.

Happy belated New Year, drunks.

In addition to contributing to Miller Park Drunk, Tyler Maas writes for Milwaukee Magazine, The A.V. Club Milwaukee and The A.V. Club Madison. When he isn't writing, he's holding down the Forward Fabrics shop. He wholeheartedly endorses Frank's Sauerkaut, Koops' Arizona Heat mustard and removing the DH from baseball altogether. Follow him on Twitter @TylerJamesMaas.

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6 comments on “Brew Year’s Resolutions

  1. The last one is the best one!

  2. ^what he said….. Proud to be one if the 145

  3. Great job with the Lucroy/Wolf ones

  4. Brewers1982 on said:

    Love the Taylor Green resolution. Well done for running on fumes.

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