Interesting question poisted to me by commenter Citizens Bank Park Drunk recently: do you think Ryan Braun hates you? His argument was that whenever Ryan Braun does ANYTHING of note we seem to end up making fun of him and someone like Ryan Braun likes to stay connected, likes to know whats going on in the world. Even if he only read more "major" sites like Brew Crew Ball, Decider or Brewers beat writer Adam McCalvy's blog he would have come across a link to us at some point. Or if he googled Remetee, we would come up on the 2nd page. The odds are that if Ryan Braun is looking for information on himself on the internet that he has come across this site and that we haven't been too kind to him. In the past we've made fun of his likeme page, his calling out of teammates, his friendship with A-Rod, his thirst for revenge, his way of getting angry, his clothing line and personally blamed him for troubles with ladies. The only times I've been real "nice" to him are when he turned down the Bachelor and this post where he had an awesome day. It would seem that if Ryan Braun did ever read Miller Park Drunk that he would hate it and that makes me sad. Like real sad. Sad like this little girl.
We're the type of person that wants everyone to like them. We're good people. Your life is better off with you and I being friends. Everyone's is. We're cool! We're funny! We drink a lot! We're smart when we want to be! We WANT you to like us. We aren't writing bad things about you because we hate you, we are writing bad things about you because we LOVE you. We want you to read this site and laugh with your teammates about it. "Did you see what Miller Park Drunk said about that guy beaning me? HA! That is too funny, I am so glad we can laugh at ourselves sometimes in this crazy game they call baseball and thanks to Miller Park Drunk we can!" That's our goal, that's our dream. Well, that and for you and I to be BFFF. When we write about you and it comes off negatively it's not because we think you are bad, it's because we just expect more from you. We know that you are awesome at baseball, but we want you to be awesome at life too. Maybe with a cool new best friend like me that could happen.
What's stopping this from happening? Okay, the Remetee thing. Let's start with that. I should probably stop picking on you for that, you're right. There are millions of people who wear the Affliction/Ed Hardy wear and love it. Some of my friends even wear it, but it's just not for me. I think those clothes make you look douche-y and that despite being "stylish" they just don't look very good on people. To me shirts of that nature are comparable to big hair in the 80s or flannel in the 90s. Sure, it's "cool" to wear but it doesn't look cool (I'm more of a Hypercolor guy.) Not to me at least, but to a lot of people it does and for you to get in on this burgeoning market is a good business decision. Not only that, but if you enjoy it and it makes you happy you should do it. I want you to be happy Ryan. Maybe you could buy me one of your shirts and I could wear it around town telling everyone that my best pal Ryan Braun not only bought it for me, but designed it himself. I think that would be awesome.
And then the whole thing with likeme.net. Look, who cares? I would probably eat at that sushi restaurant. I've never been to Dodger Stadium, but I've always wanted to. I hear it's awesome. If I had the money I would probably eat at that other place too. It's all good buddy. Your recommendations are solid. Looking over your profile I see that you said this about people in Wisconsin "The people in general are friendly, genuinely outgoing, personable, and it's a nice change of pace." Friendly? Geniunely outgoing? Personable? If you add in smart, hilarious and modest, you may have just described me. Your new best friend.
Now as for that large elephant in the room we should probably address, the "Thanks a lot Ryan Braun, now I'll never get laid" post where I called you a plethora of names and used the f-word frequently. Honestly Ryan it was not my finest moment. In fact, I'm a little embrassed about it. The only thing I can say is that I'm sorry. I know that it wasn't y0ur fault that Lauren turned me down or that girl had a boyfriend. I know that it really had nothing to do with you and it was all me. I'm sure if you and I were best friends you would have called me up and said "I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, V-town. You're a bad man, bad man." And I woulda been like "hell yeah, Swingers is an awesome movie. Let's hit the town!" and you would have been like "bla bla bla baseball, workout, road trip" so I would have went out by myself and not had things work out because I was without my BFF/wingman, but it would have been all good because you would have renewed my self confidence and proven yourself as a great friend. Then I would have called you later and been like "hey does that girl you were on the float with at the All-Star game have a friend?" and you would have been like "I'll ask but I think they are all sleeping with members of the Milwaukee Bucks." Then we'd laugh and do Anchorman quotes. Wouldn't that be awesome?
So what do you say Ryan? Can we let the past be the past and be friends? We could get one of those broken heart necklaces and you could wear the side that says "Best" and I could wear the side that says "Friends". It will be awesome. Check your facebook, I just sent you a bumper sticker.
Let's do this bro. My son needs a Jewish godfather and you need someone to fill the Big John role on Braun of Love. It's almost too perfect.