Finding A Place For Yunie B. in 2012

With the offseason just underway, there's not exactly a lot to talk about in regard to the Milwaukee Brewers roster moves. But one of the few transactions made so far was the club's decision to decline Yuniesky Betancourt's $6M club option for 2012, using the $2M the Royals sent with him and Zack Greinke in last winter's trade.

And while declining Yunie's option doesn't necessarily mean he won't be part of the '12 squad, I (like most other Brewer fans with the appropriate number of chromosomes) sure as hell hope it's at least a solid hint he'll be gone for good. Still, even if most of us are ready to be rid of the Cuban pop-up machine, I for one don't wish any ill will against him. I mean, honestly, he made a couple great plays (including the clutch 9th inning force out that saved Game 5 of the NLDS) and was pretty hot at the plate for a while there. Plus, it usually made my friends laugh when I called him "Chocolate Rain"... even if it didn't make much sense.

Even in the light of his probable departure, I wish Betancourt the best in his career. So much so, in fact, that I've taken the time to think of some possible jobs for Yunie B. in 2012. Here are a few of them.

Become a licensed scuba instructor: I've found that sometimes when a career doesn't work out well for someone (as this whole baseball thing hasn't appeared to for Betancourt), it's best to seek occupational success in strange and otherworldly new and unfamiliar locales. That's why you routinely see prominent businessmen opening high-end cupcake shops, washed up actresses hocking perfume and, with any hope of making this hypothetical situation possible, Yuniesky Betancourt retiring from baseball to teach vacationing gringos the art of scuba diving.

I don't recall the exact lyrics to "Under The Sea" but if memory serves, the crab fellow seemed to speak quite favorably about life in the ocean. Ah, to be a sea man sunk some 20,000 leagues beneath the imposing threat of routine ground balls!

Be an extra in a Dave Matthews Band music video: Now that Judah Friedlander brought his novelty hat-wearing talents to 30 Rock, there's an opening in the lucrative business of annoying people in Dave Matthews Band videos.

Falsify his birth certificate and become a child model: Just look at those chubby cheeks and tell me you aren't reaching for your wallet to buy Oshkosh B'Gosh slacks for your unborn children. You can't.

Move to a secluded cabin in the Wisconsin north woods and write a hauntingly beautiful folk album: This would be one of the two albums I'd consider buying instead of illegally downloading in 2012.

Re-sign with the Brewers for less money and remain Milwaukee's starting shortstop: Yeah, it'll probably be this one.

In addition to contributing to Miller Park Drunk, Tyler Maas writes for Milwaukee Magazine, The A.V. Club Milwaukee and The A.V. Club Madison. When he isn't writing, he's holding down the Forward Fabrics shop. He wholeheartedly endorses Frank's Sauerkaut, Koops' Arizona Heat mustard and removing the DH from baseball altogether. Follow him on Twitter @TylerJamesMaas.

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