If Ryan Braun Is Innocent

February 9th, 2012

Much has been written about the fate of Ryan Braun's appealed 50-game suspension. Most of it is peppered in an altogether negative (or as some call it, "realistic") overtone. We've touched on it. Articles routinely mention that Major League Baseball has never overturned a PED-related suspension. Milwaukee's front office has added personnel in the instance the team's MVP is a rendered a spectator for the season's first two months. After giving Brewers fans some hope with positive remarks about Braun's test a few weeks ago, even Cousin's Subs spokesperson/kind-of sports pundit Dan Patrick slunk away from his comments and returned to his normal show protocol (of interviewing Adam Sandler about the latest cinematic stillbirth he let Patrick have a scene in).

We need Braun back in uniform and out of... this.So, yeah, things seem bleak.

Even though we've been given little in the way of hope for an overturned suspension, it's still technically possible. Frankly, I'm not entirely confident in it happening. I expect most of you feel the same. But if you could risk you delicate heart and just suspend your disbelief for a moment, I'd like to prepare you for the butterfly effect (shitty movie, right?!) of events what might happen if Ryan Braun is, in fact, found innocent of any wrongdoing.

• That "Free Ryan Braun" shirt you bought, like, two months ago will be irrelevant. I bet Vince probably just got around to sending it to you.
THIS shirt, however, will remain relevant. It still won't make much sense.
• People will stop trying to figure out how to pronounce "Aoki" because it won't matter anymore.
• Opening Day will be a sell out... still. I guarantee it!
• Pick 'N' Saves throughout Wisconsin will experience a tissue shortage as Brewer fans stock up on Kleenex to sop up their tears of happiness, ejaculations of vindication and pus-soaked sores of solidarity.
• Ladies on Water Street (or wherever Braun hangs out... probably Water Street, though) can again fall victim to Braun's casing-free, likely non-kosher hebrew national.
• Aramis Ramirez won't lead the team in home runs. However, I suspect 112 games will probably still be enough for Braun to claim the team lead.
• Braun-endorsed Limelite Fusion Drink can change its slogan to "Officially cleared of any and all blame for Ryan Braun's positive drug test. Also, we're working on the taste, we swear."
• The heads of Yovani Gallardo bobble heads will be removed and replaced with shit-eating-grin Braun heads. Yo will probably be cool with it.
• HALF OFF APPETIZERS AND TALL-FOR-SMALL DRINKS AT RYAN BRAUN'S GRAFFITO!!! (OK, I totally just made this up, but this would be a good special)
• Everything would be awesome forever.

In addition to contributing to Miller Park Drunk, Tyler Maas writes for Milwaukee Magazine, The A.V. Club Milwaukee and The A.V. Club Madison. When he isn't writing, he's holding down the Forward Fabrics shop. He wholeheartedly endorses Frank's Sauerkaut, Koops' Arizona Heat mustard and removing the DH from baseball altogether. Follow him on Twitter @TylerJamesMaas.

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