Sometimes I forget that I may have more female readers than I have male readers and that talking negatively about JJ Hardy is probably not the best course of action. The problem is the JJ days are probably over. The Alcides Escobar era is here and there's nothing we can do about it. I want the ladies to love Alcides, but the fact is that he is nowhere near as good looking as JJ Hardy. A friend of mine tells me that he enjoys vodka/cranberry and Michael Jackson, but that's just not enough to make this happen. We need more.
Luckily for Alcides he has me on his side. Here's 10 things that Alcides Escobar can do (scratch that, WILL DO) to make the ladies love him like they love JJ. When we're done with him he's going to make JJ Hardy look like Jonathan Knight (to his Donnie Wahlberg (or Joey McIntyre depending on your preference)) and no one will care when he comes out of the closet.
10. Smile. Did anyone really think Bill Hall was attractive? Did anyone really think Bill Hall was good at baseball? Of course, they didn't! The reason Bill Hall was popular was because he was smiling all the time. Give it a try.
9. Two words: colored contact lenses.You think the ladies like JJ because of his perfect bone structure? Please, it was always the eyes. Get some nice, blue contacts and soon ladies will be doing blog posts like this about you. You're not a jackass like that guy in high school, you're sensitive!
8. Add the word ladies to the end of every sentence. "Thanks for coming to the game tonight, ladies." "We're headed over to Decibel if you want to come, ladies." "I'll be in my bedroom if you need me, ladies." Works every time.
7. Work out. Obviously you have to work out for your career, but you should work out just a few more minutes a day for the purpose of looking good in tight shirts. The tighter and whiter the better. Embrace the wife beater.
6. Start a band. Chicks love guys in bands. Bonus points for acting dark and/or mysterious. +1000 for acoustic guitar.
5. Wear skullcap or your hat to the side. Why? I have no idea, but this guy says it's cool.
4. Listen to what a girl has to say. Personally I've never tried it, but supposedly they like this.
3. Wear your wedding ring. Who cares if your wife is crazy and she is "estranged" which just means you probably won't be staying married to her? A wedding ring is a sign of strength and commitment, in other words it makes you look HOT!
2. Change at-bat music to "Dont' Stop Believin'" By Journey. If there is one thing chicks like, it's this song. Add in a little alcohol and they will be salivating all over themselves as they wait for you to come to the plate.
1. Become a vampire. True Blood, Twilight, tons of books, Buffy, other stuff; vampires are HUGE right now. The only thing that gets a girl more excited than the "bad boy" is the "bad vampire", if you can figure out how to pull this off you'll be pulling more tail in Milwaukee than JJ could have ever dreamed of. Day games be damned.
If you do these things Alcides then you will be loved by fans everywhere and even you can suck without them even really noticing. Or you could just be good at baseball.