In case you don't read the Courthouse News Service while enjoying your breakfast tea and beignets everyday like I do, a big story out of New York is that a man is suing the Yankees, MLB and ESPN because they showed him asleep on television. And then they did this:
ESPN focused its cameras on him, Rector says, and then "Announcers like Dan Shulman and John Kruck unleashed avalanche of disparaging words against the person of and concerning the plaintiff. These words, include but not limited to 'stupor, fatty, unintelligent, stupid' knowing and intending the same to be heard and listened to by millions of people all over the world ..."
But that's not all. They also said these more specific hurtful things:
"Plaintiff is a fatty cow that need two seats at all time and represent symbol of failure.
"Plaintiff is a confused disgusted and socially bankrupt individual.
"Plaintiff is confused individual that neither understands nor knows anything about history and the meaning of rivalry between Red Sox and New York Yankee.
"Plaintiff is so stupid that he cannot differentiate between his house and public place by snoozing throughout the fourth inning of the Yankee game."
"Plaintiff is so fat he sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
"Plaintiff is so fat he also is suing X-Box 360 for guessing his weight.
"Plaintiff is so stupid he went to the dentist to get his Bluetooth fixed."
And on and on and on. There is a lot of hurt in there and while I don't doubt Rector's claims (or his feelings) I have to throw a bit of shade on the lawsuit. I mean, ten million? For that? I can think of way worse things that baseball has done to me that deserve money more than this.
10. Not Allowing Me To Rebroadcast Games Without Their Express Written Consent
Really? What am I, a five year old? I need a permission slip from my mommy to watch a game on tape. Maybe I fell asleep at a game and the announcers made fun of me and I want to have a group of friends over to watch it with me. Then be shamed for life and never get a chance with that girl I've had a crush on for so long because Jonn Krock made fun of me. How dare you take that right from me, baseball.
9. Bob Uecker Not Calling Every Inning Of Every Game
I'm sure Joe Block is a nice guy and all, but any none Uecker radio announcing just sounds like this:
I know Uecker is old and all, but shouldn't there be enough tape of him calling games that we can just make a robot Uecker? It's 2014, this doesn't seem that hard. Video games have been doing it for years and you can't seriously tell me that Joe Buck is a human being.
8. Yuniesky Betancourt
7. Not Serving Food When The Game Is Over
Hey, baseball teams, you know what would help my walk back to my car and inevitable thirty minute wait in the parking lot more enjoyable? Two brats, cheese fries in a helmet and maybe some kettle corn. That would be be really helpful, but as I make my way through the exits (as your terrible win/loss music plays, which could be a lawsuit of it's own) all I see is vendors locking up shop. What gives? I need some food in the parking lot before the game, some food while I'm watching the game and some food as I am walking to my car after the game. It's my basic human rights that you're violating here.
6. Naked Prince Fielder
ESPN needs to pay for this.
(Is that a woman with diamonds for eyes (and nose?) smoking a cigarette on his stomach? Umm, cool. That shade doesn't really match your skin tone though, girl.)
TOOTBLAN, if you don't know, is an acronym for Thrown Out On The Basepaths Like A Nincompoop. (The person who came up with it was very hip and cool.) The Brewers are kings of these with three last night and six in the last three games. They are, basically, the most frustrating plays in the history of baseball and the Brewers should pay all fans at least $10k per TOOTBLAN. It's only fair.
4. Not Enough Hank
Real talk: If you sued the Brewers for $10 million dollars and had a really good case, but then you offered to settle out of court for the custody of Hank; would they do it? Asking for a friend who fell out of Friday's onto the field.
3. Jonathan Lucroy Not Being A Starter In The All-Star Game
You know he is the MVP right now, right? Right, other fans who also voted in the All-Star Game? What the hell are you thinking, voting for Molina? I don't care if he's a World Series MVP. I'm talking about the HERE and NOW. I don't care if you don't know much about Lucroy because of the media's East Coast Bias/Lebron Watch 2014. Figure it out, okay? Lucroy is the best. He deserves to start and you are all stupid assholes for not letting him. See you in court, jerks.
2. Some Little Kid Chanting "Let's Go Brewers"
OMG SHUT UP. I don't care if we like the same thing and are rooting for the same general outcome, just stfu already. ugh.
1. Not Doing What I Want Them To Do All The Time/Not Winning Enough
Marco Estrada is still in the rotation? SUED. Baserunning errors? SUED. Wrong pinch hitter? SUED. Using the wrong reliever? SUED. Extending Ron Roenicke? SUED. Overbay over Francisco? SUED. Not winning every series forever? SUED. A LOSING STREAK!? SUEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDD.
In just under three weeks on July 27th the Miller Park Drunk Pants Party returns! $36 gets you all-you-can eat/drink/fun plus a game ticket, koozie, Jim Henderson bobblehead and so much more. Join Miller Park Drunk, other Brewers bloggers and tons of cool people for the tailgate party of the summer!