I love baseball, but I hate spring training.
To a lot of people baseball begins when the pitchers and catchers report to spring training. Some people even make the pilgrimage down to Arizona to watch the games. Other people like to post play-by-play of every spring training "game" on twitter like it's game six of the World Series. I am not one of these people. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging these people. Baseball season doesn't start for me until after Wrestlemania so who the hell am I to talk?)
The thing about spring training is that it's not really baseball. In baseball there are two teams that want to win that each make strategic moves in an attempt to make that goal a reality. In spring training there are a few guys who want to do good because this might be their only chance to impress, a few guys who waited to long to get into shape, a few guys who want to get laid by some MILFs in the stands and the rest of the team just wants it to be over with already. And you know those guys that you want to see? The stars? The good players? They are in the last two categories, not the first two. I love the Milwaukee Brewers, but watching them play spring training is the absolute worst. I'd rather watch a Batman themed gay porn with Alfred and Robin doing bondage.
(I am going to get so many weird Google search hits from that line.)
But, hey it's a part of the game right? A necessary evil to prepare us for the sweetness of a 162 game season and sometimes there actually are things worth paying attention to. Whether it's if some hot rookie can make the team, who will win the closer job or how many new bad tattoos Corey Hart has this season, there is usually something. The only problem is our team is so good that there is absolutely no story this spring training. The lineup is set. The rotation is set. The bullpen is set.
The biggest issue has been "Will Brooks Conrad make the team?" and if you had been paying attention you'd probably have guessed that he was from the moment they signed him. (I mean, if Al's Ramblings saw it coming...) I mean, does anyone think Manny Parra won't make the team? They gave him a million dollars not to play last season, they won't do that again. Oh, and just like Mitch Stetter he's out of options. Not to steal Doug or Roenicke's thunder, but they made the team. Trust me. The only "surprise" we're likely to see is whoever makes the team if someone is hurt and even then they'll be sent down once they get back. The biggest question of the spring was "Does Ryan Braun have herpes?" and he answered that on like the first day. In retrospect I wish he would have dragged it out a bit. Like in the first week he should have come out and said "I'm innocent. Thank you for your support." Then in the second week he should have said "I didn't do anything wrong and it was something about how this dude handled my pee and FedEx. I don't know it's kind of gross really." Then in the third week he should have came out and said "I don't have herpes or any other STDs, but not for lack of f*cking if you know what I'm saying! WAZZZUP!!!" Then after all that died down he should have come out and been like "Hey Prince are you going to take out an ad in the Journal Sentinel and thank the fans, city and team or what, dog?" And on and on. People would have never stopped chanting MVP, but alas this is the curse of having a World Series contending team.
Right now we are eight days away from Opening Day and the sad part about that is I feel like I could have written this post two weeks ago. Spring training is a big waste of time and I just want it to be real baseball time now please. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'M READY TO WATCH SOME BASEBALL. CAN YOU PLEASE GET THE BASEBALL HERE? IT'S REALLY NICE OUT AND I WANT TO BE AT MILLER PARK. ALL I WANT IS TO GO TO YOUR AWESOME PARK AND WATCH YOUR AWESOME TEAM AND GIVE YOU ALL THE MONEY I HAVE FOR BEER. IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK FOR? GOD!