Ryan Braun is engaged to Larisa Fraser.
I'll let that sink in for a moment for my female readers.
(flips through a magazine)
(looking at my non-existant watch)
(asking if you're alright in there)
Alright, we good? Good.
Ryan Braun is engaged to Larisa Fraser, his model girlfriend of a couple of years now. We know this because the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel employs numerous who employees who have close personal relationships with Brewers players that give them scoops on everyth- hahahaha. I'm just playing. We know this because one of the Busted Coverage dudes reads her "food and modeling" blog. (Seriously, that's a real thing.) You guys may remember Busted Coverage as the site that replaced Front Row Amy with another girl with looks for a game that wasn't even on TV. Cool, I guess.
Anyways, they broke the story and Ryan Braun is ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED. This is the most devastating news to Wisconsin females since your mom found out Brett Favre was texting to d-pics to another woman. We here at Miller Park Drunk wish Ryan Braun the very best in his engagement and hope that they make each other very happy. I've seen her nipples in pictures and she seems like a great woman, I hope you two are very happy together.
Unfortunately, not everyone in Wisconsin is as happy for the future Mr. and Mrs. Braun-Fraser as we are. There are actually a lot of really sad, really angry people out there that don't wish the best for the happy couple. This is unfortunate, but as a news website and the best Brewers blog in the world it is not our job, but our duty as Americans to take these opinions and report on them. So here are some of the most popular opinions going around the web about the pending Braun-Fraser nuptials.
First, a concerned student from Fondy Middle School:
like, really? for real? for real for real? are you serious ryan? you and i were like totes meant to be together. i have your poster hanging on my wall, above the Justin Bieber poster. Not below Ryan, ABOVE. doesn't that mean ne thing to you? I loved u so much. remember when we met at brewers on deck two years ago? i hadn't hit puberty yet, but i totes felt something between us. i had never watched baseball before that and only went bc my stupid older brother is a big jerk and mom and dad like him better than me, but i met you and i swear we fell in love. we took that picture and it has been my facebook, twitter, tumblr AND instagram profile pic ever since. that's me. even tho my hair looks totes stupid and i still have my stupid braces in. that is dedication ryan! when bobby miller asked me to the dance i said no bc i loved you ryan. have u ever seen the tumblr "5evaryansgirl.tumblr.com"? thats me loving you ryan. yet there you go marryin some slut who shows her nipples all around town. id show u my nipples too u know. just hit me up on skype. jeesh. click here for sports betting strategy if you bet on sports. i love u ryan plz leave her i will be 18 in 5 years!
Well, that was something. Next up we have a former teammate of Ryan Braun.
Next up we have Larisa's friend Todd from high school.
I'm not sure if you have gotten my emails, myspace messages, phone calls to your moms house, facebook messages, letters or tweets, but it's me Todd from high school. I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry about everything that happened and when I think back on it our date to junior prom was among the greatest days of my entire life. I know that we broke up a couple days after the dance, but I want you to know that was a mistake. A mistake I've been living with for years now and I've accepted that I was wrong and I feel really bad about it. I'm still out here in Utah and I'm ready to start over if you'll give me a chance. Remember the A&W we went to before the junior prom for dinner? I work there now! And I'm the manager! I know, crazy right? I also coach girls volleyball at the high school. It's so crazy living in the same town I grew up in, but I just love it here. I know you love here too Larissa so maybe you should think about coming back. I can buy you a chili cheese dog at the A&W just like I did at junior prom. (Only now I'll get an employee discount, LOL!)
Seriously though Larisa, I never should've let you go. Becky Harris was bad for me and I should've known that. We have a kid together that I pay child support on, but I know you could accept my daughter. You're a good person. I just want another chance. Let's leave 2006 in 2006 and start all over. What do you say? I've never stopped loving you Larisa. I will never leave you again. Call me.
(actually it's best if you contact me through facebook. my cellphone got shut off last week for no reason. honestly.)
Seems like Todd made some good points there, but is it enough to stop the engagement? Hard to say.
Finally, we have a person who claims to be a very close, personal friend of Ryan Braun who wishes to remain anonymous.
Oh, hi RYAN. I heard you are engaged now to that SLUT. That's funny I thought you would tell your BEST FRIEND that you were getting MARRIED TO SOMEONE. I thought that was what BEST FRIENDS did for each other? Or am I just your "sports best friend"? Is that it? I'm not good enough to be your real friend and know about your real life, I'm just your "sports friend"? IS THAT IT RYAN?
You know I am really happy for you. She seems like a nice girl. I mean, she's not that pretty and she'll probably just get fat, but she is nice. that's what you want isn't it, Ryan? Someone nice. Nice is much easier than real. ISN'T IT RYAN? You don't want something real, something like you have with me your "best sports friend." But hey, good for you. I hope you get married and have ten million kids and they all get your beautiful eyes. Your big beautiful green eyes. God, I could go from end zone to end zone looking into those things. They are so damn sexy.
Look, I love you bro and I support you in anything you do. You know that. I'll always be here for you. day or night. Just let me ask you one question: DOES 8-TWELVE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU!? EIGHT AND TWELVE FIT SO GOOD TOGETHER WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MESS THIS ALL UP? I HATE YOU RYAN, I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU.
PLEASE LOVE ME.
Well despite what all these people have said, we here at Miller Park Drunk wish the very best to Ryan Braun and Larisa Fraser. Hopefully he can be the MVP of her heart!
Also, this season.