Despite what Tyler Maas said the other day, how awesome is it that the season is over? I AM SO HAPPY! No more dreaming of impossible scenarios that won't happen, no more Brewers bullpen doing Brewers bullpen thing, no more Cardinals, no more Barry Zito, no more MLB Betting, no more Prince Fielder used to be a Brewer and no more stupid teams in the stupid World Series. I'm glad it's all over and I am ready to move on to my favorite time of the year: free agency!

The great thing about free agency is that everyone is interesting. Alex Gonzalez is a slightly above average shortstop in the declining phase of his career, but when they signed him last year it felt like they were getting Cal Ripken Jr. (The young bald shortstop version, not the older bald third base version.) Free agency has a way of filling us with hope and making us believe that whatever dude we just signed is going to be the key to our championship season.*

*= Unless that signing is Eric Gagne, Jeff Suppan, Jason Kendall, Doug Davis or any of the other sucky assholes this team has brought in over the past few years.

With the free agent FrEnZy set to begin I thought we should take a look at who the Brewers may or may not get. This isn't meant to be a predictions post because my name is not Doug Melvin, but is instead a handy guide for any Brewers front office staff who might be reading this to gauge our feelings on any potential signings. Last season was the worst (and then briefly the best, but mostly the absolute worst) and I don't want to go through that again. You have to get this one right. Don't mess this one up, guys. No pressure.

LOL YEAH RIGHT

  • Josh Hamilton
  • Zack Greinke

If Mark Attanasio fired Doug Melvin and hired a group of guys who hang out on Brewers message boards (what is this? 1998? maybe, but in real life? No way I see this happening. Unless Josh Hamilton decides he needs to take less money to be closer to his "life coach" there is no way this is happening. Besides, Josh Hamilton getting money increases the chance that Carlos Gomez doesn't get money and I don't want that. That's right I just recommended the Brewers sign Carlos Gomez to a long term contract, whatcha gonna do about it?!

As for Greinke, if you think that he is coming back you are probably the same type of person who thinks their ex is coming back. Guess what? They're not. Your ex is out there banging someone else RIGHT NOW and they are way cooler, way better looking and have way more money to you.

DO NOT WANT

  • Annibal Sanchez
  • Edwin Jackson
  • Ryan Dempster
  • Kyle Lohse

The first two are going to be way too expensive for way too many years so stop dreaming. Don't believe me? This is a picture of their agents right now:

The third one just feels like it's going to work out terribly for everyone and the last one is a Cardinal. Lohse would be a classic "if you beat them all the time, join them" move for Lohse and a classic "we really hate this money so let's just give it to this guy and hope it works out" move for the Brewers. Those usually work out great.

MLB Trade Rumors think that Dempster will end up here and I've heard that a few other places too. Ugh. Imagine all the Cubs fans who will say "I'm a diehard Cubs fan, but I like Dempster too so I'm rooting for the Brewers this year" which is just code for "THE CUBS F*CKING SUCK PLEASE HELP I HATE MY LIFE." Dempster might MIGHT be able to help the team next year, but I just don't see it being worth this. Don't do it.

  • Jose Valverde

We already had K-Rod, thanks.

  • Yuniesky Betancourt

Just to be safe I am putting him on here.

REALLY?

  • Carlos Zambrano

Dempster would be one thing, but this would be the weirdest thing ever to me. I just can't imagine this guy in a Brewers uniform. I wonder if the Brewers signed him if Aramis Ramirez would immediately start sucking again or if Zambrano would be awesome again. It would definitely be one or the other. Or maybe they'd have to fight and the winner would get all of the loser's powers.

IN MY DREAMS/OOTP GAMES

  • Jim Thome

Honestly, I just want them to write The Dugout about the Brewers.

JUST FOR LULZ

  • Melky Cabrera

"omg wat r the brwers puttin in there beer?"
"sterids prlly"

SURE WHY NOT

  • Jason Grilli
  • Koji Uehara
  • Kyuji Fujikawa
  • Ryan Madson
  • Joakim Soria
  • Joel Peralta
  • Mike Adams
  • Jonathan Broxton
  • Sean Burnett
  • Jeremy Guthrie

Look, I don't care. Just fix the freaking bullpen.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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One comment on “Brewers Free Agent Fornication Set To Begin

  1. Look, Carlos seems like a nice guy… a nice guy who is dumber than a box of rocks, not that that is all bad but I predict he will take up Morgan’s not paying attention to the game he is playing in attitude and make many more stupid mistakes this year. It will affect his play in all areas and he will continue to play no matter what though because Ron says so. I feel the Brewers can not trust him to be the Center Fielder for long or even medium term. He will make you cry tears of sadness this year my friend.

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