The rumor mill is running wild that the Brewers are about to sign superstar free agent Josh Hamilton*.

*= If they don't sign a starting pitcher and he doesn't re-sign with the Rangers and nobody offers a better offer and he won't sign for a lot of years and the Brewers don't have anything better they can do.

The move would be the Brewers biggest free agent splash since they signed Jeff Suppan in 2007. Suppan, who led the Brewers to the 2008 through 2010 World Series, made $85 million dollars in Milwaukee and has since retired. He currently owns the San Diego Chargers.

The move makes sense for both sides. The Brewers offense needs some serious help after only scoring 776 runs in 2012. A huge letdown from Doug Melvin's 2012 goal of one million. Meanwhile, Josh Hamilton is fresh off choking away his team's playoff chances and desperately needs a change of scenery to avoid being killed by the three or four Rangers fans who weren't just killing time until the Cowboys season started. Sources say that despite both being named Ron, that Ron Roenicke is a way better role model for Hamilton than Ron Washington.

There is some concern that Josh Hamilton's 0 for 4 performance in the AL Wild Card game is a sign that Josh Hamilton is a terrible baseball player, but most scouts think there is only a 50/50 chance of this being true and expect him to get "at least" twice as may hits as that on average. Still, signing John Hamilton will be considered a risk.

Another concern is his age as next season he will turn 35 which will rank him second behind Jamie Moyer as the oldest baseball player of all time. One scout said that this is the "least of his worries" because of alcohol.

The elephant in the room of Hamilton signing with the Brewers is right there in the name "Brewers." Josh Hamilton is more famous for abstaining from alcohol and drugs than he is for baseball so it seems impossible that he would ever sign with the Milwaukee baseball team just based on their name. Alcohol experts say that just wearing a shirt with the word Brewers on it can drive someone to drink. Playing in a stadium that is filled with such imagery is said to cause people to turn into full blown alcoholic drug addicts who smoke acid and drink whiskey martinis.

Worse for Hamilton is playing in the city of Milwaukee where each resident is forced to drink beer and eat cheese seven times per day based on a county law passed in 1987 by former mayor Lenny Kosnowski. If signed he is expected to live on a houseboat in Lake Michigan to avoid this law. (A similar decision was made by Tom Hanks in the movie Sleeping in Seattle.) County officials are also expected to waive the "drinking and driving" law for Jorh if he chooses to sign in Milwaukee. Under the law, all residents are expected to have at least one beer before driving to or from work.

Reaction to the rumors from current Brewers is a mixed bag. Slugger Ryan Braun has already sent Hamilton a box of Remetee t-shirts to which Hamilton was said to be happy so happy to receive that he put every shirt on at the same time. Second baseman Aramis Ramirez was also excited about the idea of "Hammy and Rammy" finally being able to play together. Not all Brewers were excited though. Cory Hart is said to be upset because tattoos are "his thing" and pitcher Shaun Marcum was quoted as saying "What do I care? I'm gone anyways. Go Cardinals."

It is unknown if Josh Hamilton will sign with the Brewers based on all of these issues, but the Brewers do have one thing going in their favor: the Narron brothers. Harry and Jerry Narron work for the Brewers and are both very close to Hamilton, helping him get off drugs and stay sober. It is said that Jerry especially is the only one that can stop Josh Hamilton from going to a bar and having bathroom sex for five minutes. Whether this will be the thing that ultimately pushes Hamilton to come to Milwaukee remains to be sign.

No contract details have been released yet, but our sources assure us that it is for money and that Josh Hamilton will sign it immediately. Expect him to be in left field for Miwlaukee Opening Day on February 18th, 2013.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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9 comments on “Brewers to Josh Hamilton? MAYBE STUFF

  1. Herbert Hoover on said:

    I’d stick with CoGo for the money.
    Then again, there are towns named after me.

  2. This is the stuff of a sarcastic savant. I love it!

  3. Rod Roddy on said:

    I don’t think they make such a thing as a whiskey martini.

  4. Al Bethke on said:

    Ooof!

  5. Clifford on said:

    OH PLEASE. I realize you’d like nothing better than for the Rangers to rid themselves of talented, but enigmatic, outfielder Josh Hamilton. Still, please don’t overlook the facts before shooting off your mouth. In the article above you stated:

    “Another concern is his age as next season he will turn 35 which will rank him second behind Jamie Moyer as the oldest baseball player of all time…”

    HERE’S WHAT WIKIPEDIA HAD TO SAY ABOUT HAMILTON’S AGE:

    Josh Hamilton – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Joshua Holt “Josh” Hamilton (born May 21, 1981)

    When I calc it out that comes to 31 years of age one month after the season starts next year.

    Simple??

    I hope so!

    GO RANGERS!!
    Clifford
    Santa Monica

  6. Jim's Timeout on said:

    ‘Alcohol experts say that just wearing a shirt with the word Brewers on it can drive someone to drink.’

    I think that may be accurate.

  7. That would be wicked bitchin if hammy got swingin’ with braunie and cory and rickie and rammy. or it could suck since it would be stupid. Either way I got to use wicked and bitchin together.

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