The Brewers have made the cover of Sports Illustrated. If this was 1985 that would probably be the biggest story on the internet (until people figured out you could search for the nude scene from Just One Of The Guys), but still, it's pretty cool, right? The story itself focuses on the Brewers success and Carlos Gomez's place in that success. And then somehow it leads to this:
It seems as if Carlos Gomez would like to be a part of polite society. Forget pork and beans, he wants to wine and dine with kings and queens. He wants to grab a wine glass and wave his pinkie finger in the air like he doesn't care. Here at Miller Park Drunk we admire Carlos Gomez's ambitions and want to help him take that next step into the lifestyle of the rich and famous. That's why we've put together this helpful list of rich people conversations that Carlos Gomez can take to his next dinner party.
- Putin: Politics are boring by nature, but rich people love talking about Putin. What will he do next? Isn't he so much cooler than Obama? And those pecs...
- Tannins: This is something to do with wine. I am not sure what a tannin is, but rich people drinking wine are always talking about them. "Oh, I need to let this breathe some more to release the tannins." Be careful not to let it breathe for too long though, you don't want to release too many tannins. Talk about a rich people faux pas.
- Baseball: Rich people love baseball and you play it. This should be great, right? Wrong. Rich people unfortunately don't really give a shit about the Milwaukee Brewers. Familiarize yourself with the Red Sox and Yankees. "That Joe Girardi, am I right rich friends?"
- Butlers: ... are just a lame word for servants. You need servants, lots of them. Real rich people don't do shit around the house and then talk to their friends about firing the people who had the nerve to eat a piece of bread. Hilarious stories of firing your ungrateful slaves is rich people conversation 101.
- Sailing: This one is easy. Just listen to this a few hundred times and you'll get all the information you need.
- Equestrian: This is horses, right? To be a true rich person you need to learn to love those big, beautiful animals. Luckily, you can pretty much just pretend you are awfully objectifying a woman when talking about most horses and sound like you know what you're talking about. "So thick, especially in the hind quarters. I'd just love to strap on that beast and ride it into the sunset. How much?"
- Big credit cards: If you want to fit in with rich people you need a credit card that weighs at least a half pound. The heavier the better. Your credit card needs to be so thick that it doesn't even fit through the swiper at stores and restaurants. You need to make those employees type that shit in by hand so that you can laugh about it with your rich friends later.
- Socio-economic factors: The ultimate wild card. Whenever you are trapped in a conversation that finds you a bit over your head just slip in this little nugget and watch the rich people glee. "Yes, that's true, but what of the socio-economic factors?" Works. Every. Time.
- Business cards: I know you are just a baseball player and the idea of a business card seems silly, but you are going to need one to hand to rich people associates at dinner parties. I'm thinking egg shell with Romalian type, tasteful thickness and maybe a watermark. You're not trying to show off, but you do want to exude power while representing your net worth in a classy way.
- Scotch: Sorry all other alcoholic beverages, but if you want to have rich people conversations you need to have a scotch in your hand. Not just any scotch, but something really old. The older the better (think the opposite of your mistress, another rich man must have). Put it this way, if you can find a scotch that was distilled by wrongly imprisoned Asian-Americans during World War II you need to buy that shit.
- College: What better rich people conversation than your glory days back at the university? Your favorite professors, wild nights in the frat, getting drunk and watching the football squad, that time you and your lacrosse buddies murdered a hooker; talk about glory days. We know you didn't go to college Carlos, but guess what? Some university will probably give you an honorary degree just for being famous. Sign up for a commencement speech, maybe hook up with Patrick Kane and you can create some wild college memories of your own to share at the next art gallery opening.
- Being rich: This is all there really is, isn't there? If you want to talk to rich people, become friends with them and feel like you belong with them; then all you need to do is talk about being rich. 90% of rich people conversations are just reading bank statements out loud followed by wild laughter. Learn to do that and before you know it the insider trading tips will be flowing in.
I hope Carlos Gomez finds this information and uses it wisely, but if he decides that the rich people life isn't for him we'll understand. We love that guy.
Beer! Baseball! Food! Winning!