If Ryan Braun is guilty…

And still, we wait.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am having trouble living my day to day life without worrying about the fate of Ryan Braun. I have a kid and a job and tons of friends (okay, two) and like life responsibilities, but the potential suspension of a baseball player is dominating my thoughts and crushing my dreams. Most nights I just put a "Free Ryan" tshirt on my Japanese pillow Kimiko and cry myself to sleep. It's rough because seriously, what if Ryan Braun is guilty? What if he is really gone for 50 games? What is going to happen? What are we going to do?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to...

  • Get into bar fights with Cubs fans. LOTS OF THEM. Before the 5o games is over my face will look like Mickey Rourke's in The Wrestler.
  • Skip Opening Day and most of the games within the first 50 games. I mean, what's the point? No, really, what's the point?
  • Buy a Ryan Braun jersey. It'll probably be cheaper.
  • Tell people to watch Bigger, Faster, Stronger on Netflix. Actually, you should watch that no matter what happens. It's a really good movie.
  • Drink more than my normal amount. I'm serious about this one guys!
  • Consider suicide.
  • Laugh at the fact that I considered suicide over a baseball player's 50 game suspension.
  • Say things like "Hey, Corey Patterson is pretty decent. I barely notice Ryan Braun isn't playing."
  • Hate myself forĀ  things like that.
  • Update my facebook with really lame emotional statuses like "you're the last thing I think of before bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I miss you so bad it hurts." or "every moment i spend without you is a moment wasted. come back to me and you'll be mine forever." I will then be depressed by the amount of nerds who like it.
  • Remix "Ain't No Sunshine" and post it on the internet. Ain't no sunshine when Braun's gone / Only darkness everyday / Ain't no sunshine when Braun's gone / And this suspension's just way too long
  • Become ridiculously defensive of Mat Gamel. Just because.
  • Tell people that I also (allegedly) have herpes. I've actually started doing this already and I think it's starting to catch on. Herpes is kinda cool now, right? I tell people I have them all the time. (I'm still single, ladies.)
  • Re-enact this 2010 Pants Party moment with NO PANTS.
  • Write like 100 posts about Ryan Braun, how the Brewers would be better if they had Ryan Braun, why the Brewers will be better when Ryan Braun comes back, what Ryan Braun is doing, how amazing the food is at Ryan Braun's Graffito and a bunch of other Ryan Braun related things. If you hate the way we update around here you should probably root for a suspension.
    (NO YOU SHOULDN'T. ONLY ASSHOLES ROOT FOR A SUSPENSION.)
  • Wish that Aoki played more. Just because.
  • Say things like "Oh, it doesn't matter we are a pitching and defense team now." Even though I vehemently disagree with that idea.
  • Really hate myself for saying things like that.
  • Treat that first game back like Opening Day. Actually, treat that first game back like the holiday that Opening Day should be. Seriously, who's done for a road trip? OPENING BRAUN DAY 2012 WILL BE LEGENDARY.
  • Cry. Yeah, I'll probably just cry.

Of course none of this matters because Ryan Braun is innocent....


Hey, do you like the Brewers? Do you like fashion? Well good for you because Miller Park Drunk Fashion Week 2012 starts February 13th!

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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One comment on “If Ryan Braun is guilty…

  1. SconnieGirl808 on said:

    Braun cannot be suspended. I forbid it. When ELSE are the stars going to align and my birthday will not only be on a Saturday, but also during the Brewers’ home opener and ALSO the day before Easter so I can impress my Irish-Catholic family when I show up wicked hungover?

    If Braun is suspended, I will lose all faith in our sports-justice system.

    Also, I will probably just choose to go golfing near Vegas.

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