In a surprising turn of events, former Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan is still trying to pitch in the major leagues. When the Brewers released Jeff Suppan in 2010 (Keyboard Cat, never forget) many wondered if that was the end of his baseball playing career, but he ended up pitching for the Cardinals that season. After that most of us assumed that he would retire to his California restaurant, the cleverly named "Soup's Sports Grill", but he actually ended up playing 2011 for the Royals AAA Omaha team (where he sucked) and then spent part of 2012 getting rocked in San Diego. (Although he did lead the Padres to a win over the Brewers last season which proved once and for all that baseball is unfair and that God doesn't care about the Brewers.) For a guy with a career that should have been over three years ago, Suppan has kept on pitching and continued to make a high six figure salary for sucking at his job.
Which makes him a perfect candidate to run for political office.
Word on the street (or "the hill" as they call the street in politics) is that if Jeff Suppan is unable to latch on with a professional baseball team that he will run for Congress in California's 25th district. California residents are understandably torn. On the one hand, they don't want him to make decisions on the fate of the country. On the other, they really don't want the Dodgers to sign him.
This isn't Jeff Suppan's first foray into politics as he came out strongly against human cloning in 2006. His "If you could clone Cliff Lee, I would be homeless and eating dinner from a trash can" argument was a strong one, but it put him firmly against Marty McFly (which is something that three generations of Tannens can tell you is a precarious position to be in) and caused one Atlanta Hawks fan to say "I hope Jeff Suppan gets Parkinsons" on a message board. While he didn't agree with America's greatest time traveler (Amy Pond is British) his stance did align well with many Republicans and is probably what put him in this position in the first place.
While Suppan's run for Congress/future baseball career is up in the air at this point, we here at Miller Park Drunk would like to come out in support of it. For one, we'd rather not see him pitch ever again. Suppan could hypothetically sign with a team, then pitch in a game against the Brewers and win that game because baseball is stupid. Nobody wants to see that. Secondly, we wrote up all these awesome political slogans for him to use and we don't want them to go to waste.
- Dodgers fan? Vote Suppan (or else)
- I couldn't strikeout baseball players, but I will strikeout taxes. Maybe.
- Angels fan? Vote Suppan (or else)
- Clone this!
- Padres fan? Vote Suppan (or... pretty much the same)
- Vote For A Former NLCS MVP. No, really!
- Suppan for Congress: It's a Home Run. (He'd know, he gave up 337 of them.)
- Vote Soup: He'll Stop The Leek
- Change You Can Look Up On Baseball Reference
- He Can't Be As Bad At Politics As He Was At Baseball
- Vote Soup: Because Salad Is Gay