Let’s Git R Dunn

July 24th, 2014

Yesterday Mark Reynolds hit two homeruns and showed why he was one of the best free agent acquisitions of the offseason. Now, I know that you're probably thinking "Best acquisitions of the offseason? Are you high? Let me get some of that sweet weed you're on, brother", but hear me out.

Last season our first basemen were Alex Gonzalez and Yuniesky Betancourt. Those two combined with everyone else who started there were historically one of the worst first basemen in the history of baseball. ANYONE over them was an upgrade. Every day that Brian Anderson doesn't have to say "Yuniesky Betancourt" on the air is worth at least ten bucks. On top of that, Corey Hart turned down a big money offer from the Brewers to sign with the Mariners and then this happened:

Corey Hart

50 203 14 38 7 0 5 19 2 15 .210 .291 .331

Mark Reynolds

84 317 36 57 6 0 16 36 5 35 .207 .300 .402

That's what I call the bomb dot com. Or at least what I would have called it if I was a cool day four years ago. Thank you Corey Hart for taking your ugly ass tattoos, the money and running. I'll take Mark Reynolds all day. (I'll also take that $100 my friend Sam bet me on this very outcome. Thank you very much.)

Reynolds has been exactly what I've wanted him to be and a nice upgrade over what came before, but that doesn't mean I'm satisfied with him. Before yesterday he was hitting .199. He's not any kind of answer. He's just "not Yuni" and he hits a lot of homeruns. I will always love him for that, but I think it's time we did something that has the potential to both turn the Brewers into true NL Central favorites AND start a war within the fanbase. I think it's time for the Brewers to trade for Adam Dunn.

adamdunnI mean, could you imagine? Adam Dunn is so many things, so many awesome things about baseball. He has a good eye and hits the ball really, really far. His nickname is "Big Donkey" which I am assuming refers to the size of his dick (because look at the guy), but could mean he is just a big dumb idiot (because look at the guy) or it could just be because he is huge (because look at the guy). A lot of announcers throw around the cliche that a guy is built like a football player. Adam Dunn isn't that. Adam Dunn is built like a professional wrestler and not one of these modern day wrestlers with their doughy CM Punk bodies. I'm talking Big John Studd, Bruiser Brody or Hacksaw Jim Duggan esque. He is a monster. Children see him and run away screaming.

You know who else sees him and runs away screaming? People who like defense. A groundball to Adam Dunn is like a mouse to an elephant (because look at him). Forget those innings where K-the pitchers tries to keep the runner by throwing to first fifteen times, two or three of those and Dunn will just sit down and take a nap. He should never have a glove in his hand. He is to defense as Justin Bieber is to basketball.

But he kills the ball and he gets walks and he's not Lyle Overbay and he kills the ball. He KILLS the ball. The ball dies when he hits it. The ball's family has to make arrangements and everything. The ball police investigate, but eventually decide not to press chargers because Adam Dunn is a known ball killer and they don't want to get on his bad side. Don't believe me? Watch this mixtape from seven years ago with really cool music.

Adam Dunn Monster Home Runs Part 1 by jumsox


Let's be real, these Brewers don't deserve to be here. They are good, but they aren't great. A lot of things have gone right to get them to this point, but there isn't a World Series parade going on with Lyle freakin' Overbay getting postseason at-bats. Adam Dunn on the other hand?


(Unless he gets a bunch of errors and costs them some games, but whatever.)

Mark Reynolds and Adam Dunn combined would be the greatest thing to ever happen to the Brewers. A throwback to the days of Richie Sexson led teams who could only do one thing right. More importantly, another rightful heir to the throne of Rob Deer returning to stake his claim. They won't have a lot of "clutch basehits" or "fundamentals" and the strikeouts will absolutely destroy some people, but the homeruns... oh, the sweet homeruns. So many souvenirs. So many new places in Miller Park getting dinged with balls. So many Bernie slides. Oh, I want it so bad. Please give me this, Brewers. I don't ask for much. I just want two first basemen who will go 1 for 5 with four strikeouts and one monumental, beautiful homerun. It'll work, I promise.

Everyone wants this. It's a match made in heaven. Just make the trade, let Overbay have Counsell's old job and be done with it. The bullpen can't save this team forever. We need some reinforcements.


Oh, and Uecker loves him.


Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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