One month.

That's how long it's been since the Brewers were eliminated from the NLCS and robbed of their chance of the World Series by Shaun Marcum the Cardinals. A lot has happened since then. The not-Brewers won the World Series. The Packers didn't lose a game. The Badgers lost a couple they shouldn't have, effectively ending their season. The NBA died. Mark Kotsay signed with another team making the Brewers one rapist looking guy short. Eddie Kingston won the Grand Championship and Colt CaBunny was liberated. The Walking Dead's second season began and producers forgot it was a show about zombies. Kim Kardashian got divorced. Zooey Deschanel became single. Justin Bieber came out with a Christmas album. A guy smoked (a cigarette!) in a political ad. It's been a wild ride.

As for me, it's been a pretty wild ride. Faced with breaking up with my girlfriend and never talking to her again followed by my true love breaking my heart by losing in the playoffs to the Cardinals, I guess you could say I had a little mental break. I went on a journey, not like some lame On The Road inspired journey, but a journey of the mind. A spiritual journey, because that is not at all lame, that took me to the very depths of my soul and made me rethink each and every thing I thought I believed in. I now realize many things about myself and life that I didn't realize before. I know now that the world belongs to Ryan Braun and there is nothing we can do about it. I realize that we are all just puppets in a mass system designed to get us to spend money on a baseball team that will never love us back, but this realization will never stop me from continuing to do it. I've come to figure out that life isn't fair and that God, as we picture him, probably doesn't exist because the Cardinals not only beat us, but won the f*ckin' World Series.

/breathes into paper bag

The point is I return from this journey not with any sort of resolved issues, but with a clear vision of the future. I've gained an understanding of Doug Melvin and the Brewers that has never been witnessed before on this spiritual plane and come to you today with revelations of what our future holds in 2012. Our future, as philosophers say, is so bright that you might want to put on sunglasses.

Nyjer Morgan will attend the Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 1 premiere.

Wait, this actually happened? WTF

(SIDE NOTE: This is kind of crazy when you remember my Nyjer pic from "The Brewers Lost: How They're Handling It.")

Prince Fielder will not be a Milwaukee Brewer in 2012 or beyond.

I know there are sections of you out there who think this is still on the table, but it is not. It's a charade. When Prince says "I'll give Milwaukee a chance to sign me" what he really means is "sure, I'll sign with Milwaukee if they pay me more than anyone else pays me." That is something that not only isn't going to happen, but something we shouldn't want to happen. Prince Fielder is not a good fit for a long term relationship. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Sure the weight isn't a deal breaker (SO YOU SAY), but if he looks like this now just imagine what he'll look like in six years. Say goodbye now and cheer him on wholeheartedly when he's on The Biggest Loser: Baseball Players with CC Sabathia and Pablo Sandoal in seven years.

A portly man from Wauwatosa will receive a personalized Brewers jersey as a Christmas gift despite not playing for the Brewers.

The jersey will feature his nickname "MR. PLOWED" instead of his actual last name.

Jose Reyes will not be a Brewer in 2012.

For the people not in the "bring back Prince" camp there is the "use Prince's money to sign Jose Reyes" camp. This is a great idea because the Brewers need a shortstop and Jose Reyes is a totally awesome shortstop. He could lead off and Rickie could hit second and we'd have WAR coming out of our asses in the 1-4 slots. OMGOMGOMG.

Only one problem with this scenario, it costs money. Jose Reyes is probably going to end up overpaid on a six year deal for over $100 million. This is simply not the kind of move the Brewers make and is exactly the kind of move that can cripple a small market franchise like the Brewers. Do I think Reyes is good? Hell yeah. Do I think he'll remain good for the length of his contract? Eh. Could he make us a CONTENDAH~ in 2012? Yes. I know we all love the idea of going "all-in" on a season and this would be a good way to do that for 2012, but that's not how smart businesses work. The Milwaukee Brewers are a smart business. Sorry.

The decayed corpse of Philadelphia Athletics outfielder Enos Slaughter will be exhumed, then signed to be Milwaukee's requisite veteran outfielder. Ron Roenicke will pencil him in to be the team's opening day centerfielder.

Brewers teammates will be quoted as saying "it's like Kotsay never left. He plays and smells just like him."

Craig Counsell will return to the Brewers in a non-playing capacity.

After not receiving any offers in free agency Craig Counsell will return to the Milwaukee Brewers in a non-playing capacity. He will take over the role of the Bratwurst and go on a record breaking 0-40 run in the race. Despite his shortcomings as a sausage racer he will be inducted in the Brewers Walk of Fame as the greatest bat-boy in team history.

Doug Melvin will say the team either will or won't do something and then do the opposite of whatever he says.

Thus making everything that Tom Haudricourt writes irrelevant. Really, we're all winners on this one.

John Axford will re-grow his mustache and then tweet about it constantly.

@JohnAxford lol i love it bro! go brewers!

Zack Greinke will be traded.

Of the Brewers current five man rotation only Narveson and Gallardo are under team control for 2013. Wolf has an option while Greinke and Marcum are scheduled to be free agents. As I said earlier the Brewers are a smart business, can you really see them setting themselves up for a potential pitcher-mageddon in 2013? We've seen in years past how hard it is to fill one spot, the idea of filling three is terrifying. So unless he decides to sign long-term for cheap (which I don't see the Brewers even approaching considering Greinke's "issues") I see the Brewers trading Zack Greinke this offseason.

Everyone will hate this move at the time, but it will end up being the right one. Marcum and Wolf have nowhere near the perceived value that Former Cy Young Award Winner Zack Greinke has and he should net a decent package in return. I can't say who the Brewers would target for this trade or what they'd seek in return, but it would fill some holes on the current team and in the system. Could they get a pre-arby ML-ready set up man, a SP prospect, a RH-hitting 1B to platoon with Gamel and another decent prospect? Maybe. If they can they should definitely try.

Greinke is one of the most talented pitchers I've ever seen, but he lacks in the mental part of the game. He prefers to throw 100 pitches and get 10 strikeouts than throw 100 pitches and get a complete game. If he ever figures that part out he'll be unstoppable, but I just don't see it ever happening. Let someone else dream of his potential.

Because of this trade Manny Parra will be an important part of the 2012 roster.


Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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5 comments on “Miller Park Drunk’s Offseason Predictions

  1. Tyler Maas also contributed to this. If I’m going to spend upwards of six minutes feeding Enos Slaughter references into a Gchat conversation, I’D BETTER GET CREDIT!

  2. Anonymous on said:

    Wait a minute… Zooey Deschanel is single?

  3. CountyStadiumDrunk on said:

    I didn’t know you were from Wauwatosa!

  4. disgustingbastard on said:

    no! not manny parra.

  5. Miller park on said:

    Zooey Deschanel is single!

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