Milwaukee Brewers learn that white men can’t jump the hard way

Zack Greinke hasn't looked good thus far in his first spring training with the Milwaukee Brewers. I figured this was because it was spring training and it doesn't really matter, but unfortunately that wasn't the case and he has actually been nursing a rib injury since the beginning of spring training. How was the rib injury sustained, you ask? Was he signing too many autographs for his new Brewers fans? No. Was he working out extra hard to get back into Cy Young award winning form for his new team? No. Was he doing an extreme version of the Zack Greinke dance? Sadly, no.

No, Zack Greinke got his rib injury playing basketball. Going for a rebound. For real. I'm not kidding. Our savior thinks he's Tom frickin' Gugliotta.

To make matters worse "rib injury" is actually a poor way to describe what Zack Greinke is suffering with because he actually has a BROKEN RIB and a CRACKED RIB. You know, no big deal. It's not like pitchers need their ribs or anything. It's only the worst news to ever happen in the history of baseball.

Hey Zack, we're about the same age and I like basketball too. (No, I really do. Don't let what happened to What the Bucks fool you.) It's like my second or third favorite sport. Do you know how I celebrate how fun and awesome basketball is? I watch it on TV. I play a video game. I attend a Bucks game. You know what I don't do? Play it. What I don't do is jump for a rebound. I haven't jumped since I was 19. You know why I don't do those things despite how cool and awesome I think basketball is? Because I could get hurt! That game is dangerous! Didn't you ever play Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball on Super Nintendo? That was based on real life! Basketball? More like murderball am I right people?! You'd be better off sparring with Brock Lesnar than playing basketball. Come on Zack, didn't you learn anything from your Belding basketball injury in high school? Do you need Mrs. Turtle to remind you?

Okay, okay, okay. Let's calm down. Accidents happen. This isn't Armageddon. Everything is going to be fine. This type of thing normally takes 4-6 weeks to heal, right? And then everything is okay, right? Hell yeah! It's going to be better than okay I bet. Zack's going to be like Henry in Rookie of the Year and come back stronger than humanly possible. The Brewers are just going to be careful with Zack and let him take his time to get back. We'll have to wait a little bit longer for our star to debut, but that will make it all the sweeter. A strong, healthy Zack is what we traded for and that's what we're going to get. Only a little bit later than we expected. Everything is going to be fine. Better than fine. Awesome. Amazing. Super! Super de duper!

Perhaps this will only be a minor blip in Greinke's season, but maybe the rib injury turns into a nagging thing that delays his progress and bothers him the whole season.

Shut up, Big League Stew.

I SAID IT'S GOING TO BE SUPER! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

Facebook Twitter Google+ YouTube 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 comments on “Milwaukee Brewers learn that white men can’t jump the hard way

  1. SconnieGirl808 on said:

    God, I just KNEW this lineup was too good to be true. I mean, for real, for real. Here I go, getting my hopes up about the Brewers this season, and this happens. Friggin’ figures. Add this to my long list of reasons why basketball sucks.

    In other news, +1 for the Animal House clip, and I give you 1,000,000 internets for the Saved By the Bell reference.

  2. Pingback: Daybreak Doppler: A Groan & A Sigh of Relief | PocketDoppler.com

  3. blatzed on said:

    what an asshole. “people kept telling me i was gonna hurt myself, but i was like no way. i guess they were right though.” that was a paraphrase, but he said something to that effect. asshole.

  4. Anonymous on said:

    I’ve been expecting some stupid injury to happen. Thanks for not disappointing me.

  5. crack haus on said:

    Mexican men can’t jump either! Remember how Vovani tore his knee in ’08?

  6. crack haus on said:

    New team rule: only Weeks, Dickerson, and Hawkins may jump. Sometimes Prince too, but it depends.

  7. blatzed on said:

    They say it’s only minor. better fuckin be. Miller Park opening day just won’t be the same now. what an asshole. I’m sure i’ll forgive him by may, but still…haha, “I haven’t jumped since I was 19.” right on.

  8. Anonymous on said:

    What the hell is going on with responses? Repeating the headines is not witty banter. I demand witty banter! No one may post without witty banter! Favorite line: “i hate you! You’re not my real DAD!”

  9. Anonymous on said:

    Here’s some witty banter: “Blow me!”

  10. random drunk on said:

    I don’t think a hairline fracture will be a long, nagging injury. Give him some calcium supplements and send him out there!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

  • BrewBay

    2014 Milwaukee Brewers Baseball Magnetic & Pocket Schedules Program Ticket Stub
    2014 Milwaukee Brewers Baseball Magnetic & Pocket Schedules Program Ticket Stub
    US $5.95
  • Brewers Tickets

  • E-Mail Miller Park Drunk