Despite the Brewers season being over, baseball is still being played. There are three baseball teams and one soulless machine sent from hell still remaining. Some of you may be tempted to watch these baseball games and take a rooting interest in the outcomes of those games. I can't discourage this enough. First of all, all the other teams suck and aren't remotely as cool as the team from Milwaukee. Second of all, the Cardinals are just going to win the World Series again and make you hate your life even more for those two weeks you spent rooting for the Tigers. Just forget it. Black it out.
However, if you insist on watch these games then you probably want to know who you should root for. For you gluttons for punishment I present this guide to your former Brewers in the playoffs and where your rooting interests should lie. Good luck and Godspeed.
TEAM: San Francisco Giants
FORMER BREWER: Guillermo Mota
Guillermo Mota is probably best known for being the player than Prince Fielder tried to fight in the hallway of Chavez Ravine.
He was also apart of the 2008 Wild Card team. He made two appearances in the NLDS that year and really had no effect on the outcome of either game, both losses.
If you are rooting for the Giants because of the presence of Guillermo Mota you probably need to get your head checked. So there must be some other reason to root for them. Like maybe you..
- Secretly hate Ryan Braun and support Buster Posey for MVP.
- Enjoy smoking weed and support Tim Lincecum.
- Laugh because Madison Bumgarner name kind of sounds like he's a bum who is also a gardener with a girl's name.
- Agree with Harvey Milk "politically."
- Feel sorry for Barry Zito.
- Really like pronouncing Ryan Theriot's name like "The Riot."
It's probably not worth it though. These idiots just won the World Series a couple of years ago and there is nothing I hate more than a team winning more than one World Series before my team wins one. Stop being so greedy. Spread the wealth.
Besides that there are a lot of other good reasons to root against San Francisco too. Like maybe you have a brother who lives in San Francisco and he never talks to you, is a dick to your mom and didn't even send you a gift when your son was born despite that fact that he is a freakin' millionaire. I don't know maybe something like that.
In conclusion: screw the Giants.
TEAM: Detroit Tigers
FORMER BREWER: Prince Fielder
Perhaps the most beloved among Brewer faithful because of the presence of our greatest non-Braun slugger of all-time, Prince Fielder. What a treasure he was! Our big brown teddy bear! What wonderful memories we all have of Prince Fielder!
Gosh, remember when he attacked Manny Parra in the dugout during a game? Or that Mota thing? Remember his foray into vegetarianism for three months because of a book called Skinny Bitch and how people acted like he was for years after because nobody bothered to ask him? Or his magical 2011 when he led all ML first baseman in errors? Remember his hand and neck tattoos? Or him being represented by Scot Boras?
Hey, nobody loved Prince Fielder more when he was a Brewer more than I did. However, the key words in that sentence are when he was a Brewer. Prince Fielder, Detroit Tiger, is someone I could honestly care less about. Plus, he's not even that good anymore. He's certainly no Aramis Ramirez at the plate that's for sure.
Besides, I hate Detroit. Detroit is like Chicago without the food and somehow more crime. The people who live there deserve no championships, whatsoever. For one, they have the stupid Red Wings for that. Secondly, does anyone even live there anymore? I'll be damned if some city filled with bums, rats and crack addicts celebrates a World Series before a wonderful paradise like Milwaukee does.
In conclusion: screw the Tigers.
TEAM: New York Yankees
FORMER BREWER: CC Sabathia
Oh, CC Sabathia. The greatest four month Milwaukee Brewers pitcher of all time. Never before has a player sold so many jerseys with an expiration date. The dude who said he loved it here, crumpled up the Brewers contract offer and threw it in the trash. Sweet CC, our beloved CC, never seen a better pitcher in my time CC.
Who can hate CC? Assholes, that's who. I am not going to hate on CC, but the team who signed him's record speaks for themselves. The Yankees once again led the MLB in payroll this season and spent more than double what the Brewers spent this season. I repeat, MORE than double. Of course they made the playoffs. Of course they are playing in the ALCS. How could they not? They spent $200 million dollars on a baseball team! They have more money than all the other teams and more championships than every other team. Screw the Yankees, they have had enough.
Yet there is something to like about this team. Raul Ibanez is doing amazing things. It is impossible not to like CC. ICHIRO! is the coolest baseball player who ever lived and deserves a championship more than anyone who has ever played this game. They have no Rivera, Jeter is hurt, A-Rod is sucking and they're down 0-2, this team is practically an underdog. The New York Yankees are an underdog! Baseball!
But in the end they are still the Yankees. The Steinbrenners are still dumb entitled jerks, Billy Crystal is still not funny, Mark Teixera still cost us Mike Trout and they have more money and championships than any other team. Screw the stupid Yankees.
TEAM: St. Louis Cardinals
FORMER BREWER: Mike Matheny
If you are thinking about rooting for the Cardinals then I only have one piece of advice for you: kill yourself.
Don't make it clean either. Make it messy so your family has to clean it up. Because any family that raises someone who thinks rooting for the Cardinals is okay, is a family that deserves to suffer.
In conclusion: Watch football. Baseball season is over.