The Brewer Games

March 8th, 2012

Much like everyone else in the world I recently read Suzanne Collins' hit novel The Hunger Games. It was a pretty good read, quite the page turner actually, and I am excited to see the movie. (Woody Harrelson as Haymitch and Lenny Kravitz as Cinna is seriously inspired casting. And I'd like to give Jennifer Lawrence a Winter's Bone. #ifyouknowwhatimean) The ending left a little bit to be desired, but whatever. I'll probably read the sequels. Katniss is a badass, yo.

Now you may be wondering why I am talking about a YA novel that is soon to be a major motion picture on a Milwaukee Brewers blog. Shouldn't we be talking about spring training or something? Well, first of all I'd like to ask: is this your first time reading this site? Just be happy we're not writing about outfits. Second of all, spring training is borrrriiiiinnnnnggggggg. Thirdly, the book got me thinking about the Milwaukee Brewers and their own killing tendencies.

You see in The Hunger Games there is a tournament with 24 entrants and they must all fight to the death in order to win. The Milwaukee Brewers have 25 roster spots. 25 and 24 are only one number apart! The Hunger Games is filled with a bunch of people with weird names (Katniss, Peeta, Cinna) and so are the Brewers (Norichika, Yovani, "Ryan".) Baseball is a sport and The Hunger Games is like a sporting event. The parallels between this book and the Brewers are endless! (Okay maybe not, but roll with me here.) There are so many similarities between these two things that the question needs to be asked: Who would win the Hunger Games if it only consisted of players on the Brewers 25 man roster? Let's find out.

Never had a chance

These are the guys who die on the first day. Some of them don't even make it out of the Cornucopia.

  • Shaun Marcum
    (Probably the first to go. People will be gunning for him after game 6.)
  • Chris Narveson
    (We're sorry for your loss, Front Row Amy.)
  • Jonathan Lucroy
  • Carlos Gomez
  • Norichika Aoki
    (The Brewer equivalent of sending a 12 year old into the Hunger Games.)
  • Alex Gonzalez
  • Taylor Green
  • Manny Parra
    (lol, yeah right.)
  • Jose Veras
  • Marco Estrada
  • Mat Gamel
    (Upset special!)
  • Jeff Bianchi/Brooks Conrad/Eric Farris
    (Put it this way: in the book they probably wouldn't have even bothered to name them. Ditto Veras and Estrada.)
  • Reliever du jour
    (See above.)

Thanks for playing

Well they made it through the bloodbath that is day one, but not much beyond that.

  • Randy Wolf
  • George Kottaras
    (At first there was a bit of a Peeta/Katniss star crossed lovers who team up thing going on here, but let's be for real. Wolf isn't getting any younger and nobody as good looking as Kottaras knows how to fight.)
  • K-Rod
    (Would probably accept arbitration an alliance with someone who didn't really want him to re-sign live.)
  • Aramis Ramirez
    (Just by looking at him I don't think he can make it a full six hours without eating, much less a day or two.)

The Elite Eight

Everyone here has a chance to win.

  • Ryan Braun
  • Rickie Weeks
  • John Axford
  • Kameron Loe
  • Corey Hart
  • Nyjer Morgan
  • Zack Greinke
  • Yovani Gallardo

So how does it play out? Let's count it down in order of their eliminations.

8. Nyjer Morgan

If there is anyone on this list that could flip the switch into complete psychopath in a second it would have to be Nyjer. I mean, have you seen him make this face?


Plus, have you ever seen that chick who dated him on Baseball Wives? You'd have to be a psychopath to think putting your p in her v was a good idea.

While Nyjer is definitely the most dangerous of all the Brewers, you have to think that most of the Brewers already know that. That's why when we get down to the final 8 everyone will put their differences aside and get rid of the greatest threat to them all.

(Side note: What would Nyjer's killer name be? I'm going with Anthony Hatchet.)

7. Ryan Braun

While this may seem like an upset you have to really think about it. Ryan was the best player on his high school team, the best player on his college team, a number one draft pick, the best player on his minor league teams and then the best player on his major league teams. Do you think Ryan Braun has ever really had to fight for anything in his life? The only thing Ryan's ever killed is an outfit. Plus, you just know his teammates overwhelming jealousy of him would come to the surface once the games begin. Honestly, he's lucky to make it this far.

6. Yovani Gallardo

The way I see it the pitchers stick together at first until we get down to the bottom eight, but once we get there and alliances start to lose their purpose? The pitchers pick off the weakest of their bunch which is obviously Yo. Don't believe me? Look at this:

Even the dog looks more bad ass.

5. John Axford

After six days without a mustache comb John Axford will slowly begin to lose his mind. Forced to choose between his 'stache and killing four other people John will choose his mustache. In the afterlife when he is asked why he made the decision he will simply look at the person who asked him this and say "Choice? What choice? It was always the 'stache."

4. Zack Greinke

I know what you're thinking "How the hell did this guy make it that far? He's the most socially awkward Brewer of all time." and you would be exactly right for thinking that, but you are  also forgetting one thing: it's always the quiet ones. Zack Greinke, despite not knowing how to throw a strike in a two-strike count, is one of the smartest guys on this team and he knows how to survive. He would absolutely make it this far and it's probably an upset that he doesn't win it.

3. Kameron Loe

The only non-star of the group makes it this far because, seriously, do you not think Kameron Loe knows how to hunt? He owns a 7 foot snake! He shaves his head! He played for the Texas Rangers! Nobody on this team knows how to kill quite like Kameron Loe. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd killed already. Whatever happened to John Rheinecker anyway?

2. Rickie Weeks

While Rickie's multiple injuries over the years may have hurt him on the field they definitely help him in this arena. Rickie knows how to fix himself. He knows how to rehab. He knows how to fight through pain. Plus, he's strong as hell and could probably kill you with his bare hands.
Unfortunately he's no match for...

1. Corey Hart

I mean, really, who else would it be? Look at this tattoo:

Anybody with a sea turtle tattoo like that is clearly someone to be reckoned with.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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8 comments on “The Brewer Games

  1. Paul on said:

    Carlos Gomez wins it hands down! The athleticism alone at least takes him into the top 8!

  2. Laura on said:

    I still say that Corey put that WHY SO SERIOUS? tattoo on his spine himself.

  3. You are severly underating Lucroy. I see no difference between him and Jennifer Lawrence…

  4. Lets do all time Brewers…
    I pick Darrell Porter!

    • ALLDATBREW on said:

      Are you kidding me?, Jason Kendall wins for two reasons:

      1) He looks like he just broke out of jail
      2) He lists killing people as an interest on facebook

  5. Chillywilly on said:

    For some reason, someone gave me that book recently and I too read it. This is a great post and really increased my enjoyment of the book. thanks.

    But I think you are forgetting that in the arena, they did better when they played to the crowd, that will be Cory’s downfall. i think Yo will be able to garner some sympathy with his man crush on Ryan and that will take them to the end. But like spring training, it doesn’t mean anything till they get out there for real. Please set it up for for enjoyment.

  6. awesomeness on said:

    I bet Aoki read Battle Royale back in Japan. He should be prepared.

  7. Pingback: Prime 9: Chillest Brewer Bros | Miller Park Drunk

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