I have this friend named John. He is a HUGE Brewers fan and so is his dad. In fact, his dad is such a big Brewers fan that John most likely wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the Brewers 1982 World Series run. You see his parents had sex after one of the games and she got pregnant and later John was born. This kind of thing happens all the time. By my estimation I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for
alcohol the series premiere of The Greatest American Hero. (You should see the way my mom cries when she hears "Believe It Or Not".) With the Brewers set to make another run toward the World Series love is definitely in the air. Our "sex in a stadium bathroom" post has been getting record hits over the last week, Bonnie Brewer outfits are completely sold out from the fetish shop I go to and even Al's Ramblings is talking to girls now. The playoffs are here, love is all around us and it is only natural that babies are going to be made as a result.
Of course, having a baby is a big decision that should not be entered into lightly and you should use caution and make bla bla bla because it's something that will affect you for the bla bla bla of your bla bla bla. Who cares!? Really. The Brewers are going to the World Series! You're going to be together with whoever you are with now forever! And you'll name your baby Rickie Prince Ryan Park Drunk Gallardo (your last name)! Everything is going to work out fine! BREWERS!!!!!
Look, you people who are going to do this you know who you are. If you're going to do this then just do it. I make mistakes that will change the rest of my life forever all the time, but if you're going to do this you need to do it right. You can't just rush into this thing, you need a gameplan. You need me to show you the way to make a Brewers playoff baby the right way. In fact, let's do that right now.
TIP #1: Make It Worth It
If you are going to have a kid as a direct result of a baseball game you better make sure that baseball game is a good one. I knew this guy who knocked up his girlfriend after that awful Jeff Suppan playoff game that caused their elimination in 2008. Do you think their relationship lasted much longer? Please. They were broken up by the first trimester and now every time he looks at his son (every other weekend) all he can think about is Jeff Suppan getting railed by the Phillies (and his ex getting railed by her son's "new" daddy.) NOT GOOD TIMES.
Personally I wouldn't even entertain the notion of knocking anyone up until at least the World Series. It's like right now we all love the Brewers and we're buying as much "2011 NL Central Champions" stuff we can buy, but if they end up fizzling out of the playoffs we're going to hate those shirts. When is the last time you saw someone in a 2008 Wild Card shirt? Those shirts are a constant reminder of failure and they suck to look at. Is that how you want your son or daughter to be?
The point is if you are going to have a child as a result of a baseball game it should at least be one that they win. It sounds a lot better when you tell the story and you won't end up resenting your kid years later for ruining your life. They'll thank you for it later.
TIP #2 Make Him Worth It
This one is strictly for the ladies. If your potential baby's daddy is the overweight guy with his shirt off in 50 degree weather calling one of the Diamondbacks a "faggot" then maybe, just maybe, he's not real good dad material. Let's say doubly so if he's wearing a jersey with his own name on the back and quadruply if he's wearing a baseball glove. (Somewhere Mrs. Youngster is furiously nodding her head in agreement.) You ladies have to have standards because you only get one shot at this thing. We don't know when a playoff run like this is going to happen again and your biological clocks are ticking. Try not to hook up with the drunkest guy in the stadium.
Unless that guy is me.
TIP #3: Do It In Style
Sure, you can have sex at the stadium. You can even have sex in a bathroom at the stadium, but try and make it a bit classy. Instead of the 400 level bathrooms, how about one in the club level? Those are real nice. How about springing for a couple NYCE Club passes and making the baby in there? I doubt anyone would mind. There are just so many good options. You have to think at some point you are going to take your kid to a game. Do you want to change that child in the same bathroom that you made him in? Because that's creepy if you do. Like really creepy.
However, in the parking lot the opposite holds true. If you're going to be making babies out there you don't want to be discreet. You want people to walk by and say "holy s those people are f'ing in there!" Show them what's up and then when you're down the crowd will give you a big round of applause. No matter what happens in the game that day you will make those people's day and you'll make a baby. Win/Win.
TIP #4: Don't talk about it
You both know what you're doing. You're both DTF. There is no need to tell each other what you are doing while you are doing it, you dig? No guy on the planet wants to hear "put a baby in me" just like no girl on the planet wants to hear "I'm gonna put a baby in you". It's weird, okay? Don't do that. Don't even think it.
Stop it. I'm not kidding.
TIP #5: DON'T DO IT!
I'm no Freud, but isn't it kinda gay to want to have sex after watching 25 men beat another 25 men in a sporting contest?
Also, are you nuts? You want to have a baby just because the Brewers are awesome, are you mental? Do you know how expensive babies are? A lot, a lot expensive. Do you know how hard it is to go out drinking when you have a baby? Or even go to a baseball game? It's impossible. They can't even watch themselves. They expect you to feed them and take care of them. I mean, have you ever stopped and thought how STUPID babies are? They are all like "wah wah I went to the bathroom on myself" and "wah wah feed me" only they can't even say that because they don't even know how to talk. IDIOTS. Who wants to deal with that? Change your own damn diaper kid.
Seriously, I don't care if the Brewers win the World Series, the Super Bowl, March Madness and the Stanley Cup you still need to use protection. You have your whole lives ahead of you! I love my son, but seriously, don't do it! You are just opening yourself to a lifetime of waking up early, doing boring stuff and watching terrible things on television.
Don't throw your life away!