When you go to a baseball game the odds are you are going to have a conversation and unfortunately, due to the nature of baseball and it's natural boring-exciting-boring flow, the conversation will not always be about the game on the field. Sometimes you will talk about the team and the GM and whether or not the manager should be fired. Sometimes you will talk about your relationships and your kids and the future. Sometimes you will talk bad about your friends who aren't there because you know it's really fun to do. You will talk about many things and just so you know if you are sitting in the vicinity of me I will eavesdrop on you. Part of this is because I like to try to enjoy the game and will be silent at certain points, believe it or not often times your conversations will come at times when you should probably be paying attention, and part of this is because I am a keen observer of the human condition. I'm a writer, you know. (*dismissive wank*)
When I went to Wrigley Field for two of the Brewers games there this week I ended up doing this quite a bit. I found out, to my extreme delight, that my lady friend shares the same hobby and will laugh at the stupid things that people say. (And then get entirely too angry about the stupid things that people say.) For instance, there is this Miller Lite sign in right field on one of the rooftops. Last season it read "We prefer a pennant race to a sausage race" and now that the Cubs are terrible again it reads "The brat stops here." I, of course, complained about this. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, the Brewers play at Miller Park. MillerCoors shouldn't be making fun of a team that they sponsor a stadium for. Do they think that Brewers fans are never going to see it? Why can't they make fun of the Cardinals? It's a joke. Anyways, at the game there are these doucheholes sitting behind us who are just saying stupid thing after stupid thing. We laugh at them, then we laugh again and then we think about leaving early just to get away from them. It's just too much, these guys are world class douchebags. Then one of them, to my horror, notices the same sign and starts to say many of the same thing as I did. It's weird how my own thoughts are echoed through this idiot's mouth and I start to think way too much about it. Am I this big of a douche too? Does she just figure that out? Am I getting left here? I didn't even get to do the weird stuff! And just as I'm about to begin defending myself in a desperate attempt to save myself, they do it for me.
"It's weird, you know, because the Brewers are owned by Miller. That's why they're called the Brewers because Miller owns them."
"I don't give a fuck about the Brewers, dog."
And they're called the Cubs because Wrigley chewing gum owns them. Of course.
Now these dudes were an extreme example. At one point they had a discussion about which drugs they did in their lives (a list that included tobacco (Seriously. - Ed.), weed, alcohol, coke, crack, meth, ecstasy and mushrooms) and one guy asked another if he had ever done heroin to which he replied "No, that's addicting." I mean, yeah. This really happened. We won the sitting in front of douchebags lottery. It won't always be like this.
Sometimes you will sit by people who actually want to talk about baseball. Like the guy in front of me in the Prince Fielder jersey who said "I can't wait til we get rid of Prince Fielder" and wasn't kidding. I realize that "Prince Fielder sucks and we should trade him" is the new go-to line for casual fans and all, but Prince Fielder doesn't suck and the only reason we should trade him is because we need pitching and he will soon be out of our price range. His homeruns, RBIs and batting average are down this season, but everything else is right at career norms. A near .900 OPS is REALLY good (There are currently only 21 players in the league with a higher OPS than Prince and only 10 in the NL.) and people should appreciate it while it's here because it will not be easy to replace. Lyle Overbay never came close to a .900 OPS and Richie Sexson only did it once as a Brewer. When you throw in the fact that it's an "off" year for Prince (because last season he topped 1.000), it's really frickin' good. Trust me, you will miss him when he's gone. Stop complaining about him.
Here's the thing about conversations at a baseball game. You always end up dumbing yourself down a little bit. When my friends and I do a little rosterbation at a game, I tend not to bring up things like arbitration years because not everyone understands it. It's hard for me to explain that we shouldn't trade for Cliff Lee because he is a free agent next year and we have no chance of re-signing him (and if we did re-sign him it would severely handcuff our budget). It's rough, but I like the fact that we are having the conversation. Sometimes you sit with people who are as obsessed as you are and sometimes you sit with people who aren't. You have to go with the flow. If we start talking about Inception I probably shouldn't say that the song they use for the musical countdown "Non, je ne regrette rien" is by Edith Piaf, the same Edith Piaf that Marion Cotillard (who plays Mol in the movie) won an Oscar for playing in the movie La Vie En Rose and that this connection almost caused Christopher Nolan to not use the song. I shouldn't say that because only crazy people know that stuff. Not everyone is going to know what you are talking about all the time. I accept this.
Really I do. For real, for real. I accept it, but I'd really appreciate if you all just did me a little favor? It's not much to ask, but if you could do this for me it'd really help me out. Could you stop being so stupid when you talk? I don't care if you don't get my Inception story, but I do care if you think Rickie Weeks sucks because he was "only" 1 for 3 with two walks and two strikeouts. That's a .600 on-base-percentage, dumbass. I don't want to hear your arm-chair scouting because I am sure you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. (I'm talking to you guy who said the split-finger fastball is effective, but bad on the pitcher's arm. Because it actually reduces injury risk, significantly.) Talk about whatever you want to at the game, but please just think before you speak. Take two seconds and think to yourself, "is this stupid?" and then think of something else to say. It's not too much to ask and honestly, the world will like you more for it.
Or just keep saying stupid stuff and I'll keep complaining about you. Either way.