Ryan Braun turns down the Bachelor

So did you hear that Ryan Braun was offered a spot on ABC's The Bachelor? It's true.

We weren't at the meeting, but we know a few Hollywood Insiders who know things. Things like "Fox has no idea what they're doing" and "NBC used to be a lot better", even things like "what happened when Ryan Braun met with ABC executives".

ABC Executive Mr. Braun, thank you for coming today. I just want to start out by saying that everyone here at ABC are big, big fans. We think that you have crossover media superstar written all over you. We're talking BIG.
studioabc2 And, btw, Remetee? LOVE IT.
Ryan Braun /smiles
ABC Executive The reason we've brought you here today is to talk about The Bachelor? You've heard of it right?
Ryan Braun Are you kidding me? I LOVE the Bachelor and it's spinoff the Bachelorette. That Tanner P is one big creep if you ask me.
studioabc2 Tell me about it!
ABC Executive Ryan, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. We want you to be the next Bachelor.
Ryan Braun I'm in!
ABC Executive Great, but that's not all.
studioabc2 Oh no, not even close!
ABC Executive We also want you to appear on Dancing With The Stars.
Ryan Braun Well, I only know how to breakdance on a cardboard box, but I'll give it my best shot!
studioabc2 Great!
ABC Executive We've also got a guest spot on L O S T lined up for you. You'll be playing a grown up version of Walt who has all of the answers to the island's mysteries.
Ryan Braun Ummm.. isn't Walt black?
studioabc2 He was, but it's not like the show makes sense anymore anyways.
Ryan Braun True that, but I don't know about this guys. I mean, The Bachelor seems like a good idea.
ABC Executive Ryan baby, trust me. You're gonna be a SUPERSTAR.
studioabc2 And we haven't even told you the best part yet!
ABC Executive That's right. I have been talking with the producers of Grey's Anatomy and they have a role that you'd be PERFECT for.
Ryan Braun I'm listening.
ABC Executive You play the new hot shot surgeon brought in to save Izzy's life only it turns out that it is your medical mistake that kills her. Your character is so overwhelmed with guilt that he ends up showering with and impregnating Chief Resident, Miranda Bailey before leaving her to raise the kid on her own.
studioabc2 They already have a name for your character picked out, you're going to love it, "McJewy". McJewy the Murderer. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Ryan Braun Listen guys I'm a pretty busy guy and....
ABC Executive Okay, okay, I get it. You don't want to do Grey's Anatomy. I wouldn't either, that show has been going downhill for years. What do we have for Desperate Housewives?
studioabc2 A local college athlete falls in love with Felicity Huffman's character because of her close resemblance to the lead in Transamerica.
Ryan Braun You gotta be f'n kidding me.
studioabc2 How about this, and I'm just coming off the top of my head here but, a guest star on Ugly Betty as Betty's long lost brother Ugly Brian who fears that coming out of the closet will hurt his chances in the fashion world, ironically. GLAAD would be all over you!
Ryan Braun I'm out of here.

/stands up

ABC Executive WAIT! We haven't told you about the pilot idea we have for you!
Ryan Braun This better be good.
ABC Executive It's great! It's better than great, it's FANTASTIC!
studioabc2 He's a professional baseball player. She's a folk musician. Due to a mixup at the real estate company they are forced to live together in a one bedroom apartment. Hijinks ensue on the half hour comedy, Balls & Dykes!
Ryan Braun /leaves the room
ABC Executive Bosom Buddies remake! The Greatest American Hero: The Next Generation! Small Wonder: All Grown Up! Come on Ryan, wait!

Crap.

studioabc2 Now who are we going to get for The Bachelor?
ABC Executive /pages secretary

Get me Raul Ibanez.

SIX MONTHS LATER

ABC Executive /gets fired
studioabc2 /gets fired

Oh, Hollywood.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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9 comments on “Ryan Braun turns down the Bachelor

  1. Anonymous on said:

    Instant Classic

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  7. Anonymous on said:

    The epilogue nails it.

  8. Anonymous on said:

    perfect commentary. Ugly Brian, ha!

    by the way…I always thought Braun was in a relationship? Have I been mistaken?

  9. Pingback: Miller Park Drunk | The ultimate guide to Ryan Braun

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