So did you hear that Ryan Braun was offered a spot on ABC's The Bachelor? It's true.
We weren't at the meeting, but we know a few Hollywood Insiders who know things. Things like "Fox has no idea what they're doing" and "NBC used to be a lot better", even things like "what happened when Ryan Braun met with ABC executives".
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Mr. Braun, thank you for coming today. I just want to start out by saying that everyone here at ABC are big, big fans. We think that you have crossover media superstar written all over you. We're talking BIG. |
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And, btw, Remetee? LOVE IT. |
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/smiles |
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The reason we've brought you here today is to talk about The Bachelor? You've heard of it right? |
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Are you kidding me? I LOVE the Bachelor and it's spinoff the Bachelorette. That Tanner P is one big creep if you ask me. |
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Tell me about it! |
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Ryan, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. We want you to be the next Bachelor. |
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I'm in! |
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Great, but that's not all. |
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Oh no, not even close! |
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We also want you to appear on Dancing With The Stars. |
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Well, I only know how to breakdance on a cardboard box, but I'll give it my best shot! |
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Great! |
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We've also got a guest spot on L O S T lined up for you. You'll be playing a grown up version of Walt who has all of the answers to the island's mysteries. |
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Ummm.. isn't Walt black? |
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He was, but it's not like the show makes sense anymore anyways. |
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True that, but I don't know about this guys. I mean, The Bachelor seems like a good idea. |
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Ryan baby, trust me. You're gonna be a SUPERSTAR. |
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And we haven't even told you the best part yet! |
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That's right. I have been talking with the producers of Grey's Anatomy and they have a role that you'd be PERFECT for. |
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I'm listening. |
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You play the new hot shot surgeon brought in to save Izzy's life only it turns out that it is your medical mistake that kills her. Your character is so overwhelmed with guilt that he ends up showering with and impregnating Chief Resident, Miranda Bailey before leaving her to raise the kid on her own. |
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They already have a name for your character picked out, you're going to love it, "McJewy". McJewy the Murderer. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? |
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Listen guys I'm a pretty busy guy and.... |
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Okay, okay, I get it. You don't want to do Grey's Anatomy. I wouldn't either, that show has been going downhill for years. What do we have for Desperate Housewives? |
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A local college athlete falls in love with Felicity Huffman's character because of her close resemblance to the lead in Transamerica. |
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You gotta be f'n kidding me. |
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How about this, and I'm just coming off the top of my head here but, a guest star on Ugly Betty as Betty's long lost brother Ugly Brian who fears that coming out of the closet will hurt his chances in the fashion world, ironically. GLAAD would be all over you! |
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I'm out of here.
/stands up |
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WAIT! We haven't told you about the pilot idea we have for you! |
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This better be good. |
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It's great! It's better than great, it's FANTASTIC! |
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He's a professional baseball player. She's a folk musician. Due to a mixup at the real estate company they are forced to live together in a one bedroom apartment. Hijinks ensue on the half hour comedy, Balls & Dykes! |
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/leaves the room |
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Bosom Buddies remake! The Greatest American Hero: The Next Generation! Small Wonder: All Grown Up! Come on Ryan, wait!
Crap. |
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Now who are we going to get for The Bachelor? |
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/pages secretary
Get me Raul Ibanez. |
SIX MONTHS LATER
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/gets fired |
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/gets fired |
Oh, Hollywood.
Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.
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The epilogue nails it.
perfect commentary. Ugly Brian, ha!
by the way…I always thought Braun was in a relationship? Have I been mistaken?
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