I don't give a crap about steroids. I really, really don't. It annoys me when people talk about them. It annoys me when I have to read about them. It drives me crazy to read hack after hack talk about how baseball isn't pure anymore and that things will never be the same and blah, blah, blah. Every week a former star comes out and says he "did it the right way". (By the way, do you know why you did it the right way Joe Morgan? Because you didn't have a choice! 268 career home runs is pretty impressive for a guy your size, but 400 would be a lot nicer wouldn't it? Exactly.) Only a few like Daryl Strawberry admit that they would have done steroids. Unfortunately Daryl would have also huffed cans of Pam, smoked roofies and shared jankem with Keith Hernandez if given the chance. It just goes on and on and very few times, if ever, do you read something where the writer is logical and even handed.
Bill James is the most recent example of someone using logic and he makes some good points. He basically says that science doesn't stop and that we will continue to have drugs in our society that help us live longer and stay young. Staying young means staying good at baseball and it will only get better in the future and one day we will look back on this time and think "no big deal." He then goes on to say that most people will live to be 200 years old, have 24-hour boners and that a method of time-warp will be developed that will attract the attention of an advanced alien race called Vulcans who will then make first contact with Earth. So he's mostly right, except for the part about the Stargate and flying cars.
The thing is none of it really matters. Anyone who has seen the excellent Bigger, Stronger, Faster knows this. Look at this clip from the government headhunter, Henry Waxman, in charge of the steroids case.
I wouldn't hire that guy to brush my dog's teeth. (Am I right? Speak up if I'm wrong.) Steroids aren't really good for you, but they aren't really bad for you either. Why is using steroids called cheating when Tiger Woods getting Lasik to have 20/15 vision isn't? Why is okay to get a cortisone shot? Why does the DEA make a bigger deal out of steroids (which make you stronger) than cocaine or meth (that kill you and ruin your life)? The whole thing is nonsense that gets old sportswriters, talk radio hosts and the flock of mindless people who listen to them upset. We have made scientific advances to make our lives better, why are some bad and others good? Why can I take a pill to get a huge boner, but not one to get huge muscles?
Anyways, that's not the point of this story. The point of this story is how LUCKY we are to be Brewers fans. You see the Brewers have been able to avoid all of this nonsense. During the so-called "steroid era" they weren't very good. The top home run hitters were Jeromy Burnitz and Richie Sexson. These were both big, old school home run hitters. They were big boys. Sexson at 6'8"/237 and Burnitz at 6'0"/190. Did they use steroids? I don't know, but I think that Richie Sexson is the kind of player who would have hit home runs in any era. Just look at the guy, he belongs in WWE as Shawn Michaels' new bodyguard. (Is it possible to swing and miss a clothesline?)
What if they did use steroids though? What if their names came out on that list tomorrow? Well, that's the other great part about being a Brewers fan because nobody would care. The media only cares when it's a big name. A-Rod. Manny. Big Papi. Nobody cares if Jeromy Burnitz was using steroids. Unless he was using steroids with Mike Piazza while simultaneously giving him fellatio. It doesn't matter if he was or he wasn't because in the end he wasn't that good and neither were the Brewers.
The best part about being a Brewers fan in the age of steroid speculation is this team right here. We have Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder, the best 3-4 punch in all of baseball and neither of them have even the slightest hint of steroid speculation around them. If anyone accused them they would be laughed at and hopefully fired (hmmm, maybe we should email this rumor to Witrado and see if it works.) We don't have to read these crappy stories about our guys because our guys aren't using. They are clean, they are awesome and they are ours. Feels pretty good doesn't it?
Tags: A-Rod, alien race, Baseball, blah blah, boners, braun, brewers, cans, career home runs, cars, crap, daryl strawberry, email, fan, first contact, flying cars, hack, henry waxman, hes, joe morgan, keith hernandez, laugh, logic, meth, pam, prince, radio, science, sexson, stargate, steroids, teeth, tiger, time warp