Sveum As It Ever Was

After a fairly short and not-at-all arduous ordeal that found the new Cubs figureheads parting ways with an alopecia-afflicted puppet skipper they had no part in hiring, then not interviewing Ryne Sandberg, Chicago has finally settled on its 52nd manager.

Introducing the newest skipper of the Chicago Cubs...

This guy.

I can say with unabashed honesty that I am very happy for Dale Sveum. Personally, seeing players with ties to the Brewers find success (even outside Milwaukee) gives my heart a bunch of little boners. An aside: Julio Franco was referenced on a Sklar Brothers Web series from 2007. He was a Brewer for about a month and a half! Titz!

Anyway, no matter the dugout he's in charge of, you can't deny this opportunity is a tremendous one for Sveum. It's a shame his departure came mere days after I'd learned the U before E except after SV rule. But, really, that's more my fault than Dale's. Despite the guarantee that he will never win a World Series now, I think this is an amazing first (non-interim) managerial gig for Sveumer. Additionally, I feel Dale is going to do well in the position. I wish him all the best with the Cubs (when they're playing the Cardinals).

With Dale holding a special place in the nostalgic '80s-obsessed hearts of Brew Crew faithful, I'm sure most fans share my positive wishes. But there's undoubtedly a grassroots faction of dimwitted fans out there who are now brimming with blind rage at the apparent betrayal of a guy originally from California accepting a significant promotion to lead a franchise which regards the Brewers to be its third or fourth biggest rival. Fortunately, I doubt any of those types read this site... though, admittedly, I don't read the comments. But if any of you (now) Dale Sveum haters mistakenly happened upon this site while looking for Hotchickswithdogswithboners.com, I've taken the liberty to link it for you. But before you check out those sweet babes and gross red rockets, feel free to peruse some reasons you, like the rest of us, shouldn't give a shit about Dale Sveum's new career.


He owes nothing to the Milwaukee Brewers or its fans

Sure, Sveum started his career in Milwaukee. After five so-so seasons with the Brewers, he was traded to the Phillies on December 11, 1991 (a couple weeks short of 20 years ago, for those of you scoring at home) for none other than pitcher Bruce Ruffin. While Ruffin went on to 1-6 record and career low 6.67 ERA during his single Brewers season before wrapping up his shitballing career with the Rockies, Sveum played for six more teams in his eight remaining seasons. Other than being drafted by/spending a good deal of his career in Milwaukee, Sveum is as much a Brewer as he is a member of the Pirates, Mariners, Phillies, Yankees, Athletics or White Sox. And that's not even counting his near 4-month stint in the Diamondbacks minor league system.

How dare he dare wear another team's uniform after Milwaukee had the decency to employ him for a while before trading him to another team to get a bad pitcher! The audacity!

He was never going to be Milwaukee's manager again

Sveum got his shot in 2008 when the Yostmaster general was given millions of dollars to not manage in 2009 thrown on his ass 150 games in the season. He went 7-5 to close out the year and, mostly thanks to a massive Mets bedshitting, led the team into the playoffs before Philly ousted Milwaukee in, like, 5 seconds. Wait... Sveum also played for the Phillies, too! Inside job?

Conspiracy theories aside, he was then passed over in 2009-10 when the team, instead, ushered in the extended flu-nap that was the Ken Macha era (in which he was also demoted from the bench coach role he'd held under Yost). Then he was passed over for Ron Roenicke last off season. Would it have been nice to have that guy who was a part-time player for various forgettable Brewers teams? Yeah, sure. Was it going to happen? Never.

You would totally manage the Cubs if you had the chance

In my nanoseconds of research (I asked Jeeves to Dogpile it using Lycos), I could not locate the exact financial details of Sveum's 3-year contract, but I assure you that it's well over the salary he pulled in to tell Craig Counsell to stop closing his eyes when he swung all of last year. More over, I have no doubt Dale's deal is for exponentially more than you and I make. I buy Roundy's cottage cheese (and everything else) for Christ's sake! I suck at life, but if I was cunning enough to somehow fool a major league team that wasn't the Brewers to make me their manager, I'd do it so fast. Even the Cubs. And I'd try to do well in the role (even against the Brewers) to guarantee me more of that sweet money, notoriety and (assuredly non-Roundy's brand) clubhouse foodstuffs. I'd stuff so many bags of peanuts and cans of sugar free Redbulls into my travel bag.

Seriously, you'd manage the Cubs

If you're saying you wouldn't do it, you're either not very wise, you're already rich/famous/knee deep in milfy roadbeef on the reg and are insanely loyal to the Brewers, or know in your heart of hearts that this will never happen to you and you want to sound super devoted to a team who doesn't know you exist. You would manage the Cubs. You would even manage the Cubs low-A affiliate.

Sveum leaving has absolutely NO impact on the Brewers

Though I want to believe the tutelage and unmatched wisdom of a career .236 hitter had an impact on Ryan Braun's success, is in anyway responsible for Prince Fielder breaking numerous team records and Yuniesky Betancourt popping out in the most frustrating scenarios, they were not. I'm sure he imparted some sage and sound advice to the various youngsters (and Mark Kotsay) in the clubhouse during his time as hitting coach, but the role of a hitting coach is basically striving - and usually failing - to give a bunch of dudes enough tips to help them fail only seven of every 10 times at the plate opposed to the unacceptable eight of 10.

This isn't said to minimize Sveum's coaching ability in any way, as he obviously said the right things to impress a respected GM enough to get a manager offer. Rather, it's because the position of a hitting coach is a largely pointless one. Just watch: Next season, Nyjer Morgan will still pop up bunts from time to time, Braun will still be the best player who's ever lived, Casey McGehee may or may not have a bounceback campaign, and even when a C cap-wearing Dale Sveum is in the Miller Park visitor's dugout next summer, the Cubs will still be a terrible and cobbled together team reeling from a cluster of terrible contacts.

So don't be mad, bros. Literally nothing has changed.

In addition to contributing to Miller Park Drunk, Tyler Maas writes for Milwaukee Magazine, The A.V. Club Milwaukee and The A.V. Club Madison. When he isn't writing, he's holding down the Forward Fabrics shop. He wholeheartedly endorses Frank's Sauerkaut, Koops' Arizona Heat mustard and removing the DH from baseball altogether. Follow him on Twitter @TylerJamesMaas.

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