There is a lot of talk about Doug Melvin these days. Whether it's his bobblehead day, the Fire Doug Melvin blog or Mark A's recent comments about him. Everyone has an opinion on Doug Melvin, he is a hot item right now. Whether or not he is to blame for what happened this season is up for discussion (I say no), but he is our GM and he's pretty good at what he does. He's important to this team's future. Now I've been watching TV all of my life and I know there is only one true way to honor those who are important to you and that's with a roast.
So join a calvacade of stars as they roast Brewers General Manager Doug Melvin live from the Pabst Theater(!) after the jump.
|Tonight we're here to celebrate a man who looked at a guy like Jeff Suppan and thought to himself "4 years, $40 million sounds about right." A man who looked at Brady Clark and uttered the words "starting center fielder".|
|A man who as a young boy watched his first porno and said "I want a mustache like that!" That's right everyone tonight we honor Doug Melvin and the first roaster is none other than the contract albatross himself, Jeff Suppan!|
|Thank you Mike. Mike Cameron everybody, the blackest man in Milwaukee. His entire family came to the last game and let me tell ya Milwaukee hasn't seen that many black people since Roots premiered in 1977. But enough about Mike, the man of the hour is Doug Melvin. What can I say about Doug Melvin?|
|The guy put the next three generations of Suppans through college. While most scouts looked at me and said "great back of the rotation guy" Doug said "ACE". When my contract runs out Doug will have given me more money than a Lil Wayne tour. Doug has given me so much money that when my kids go down the slide they say "Doug" instead of "whee". Thanks a lot Doug, I love you!|
|Thanks a lot Jeff. He would have spoke longer, but he had important home runs to give up. Our next roaster needs no introduction. The creator of Remetee, former Rookie of the Year and Doug Melvin's deputy GM Ryan Braun!|
|Thanks Mike, you stupid jerk. Doug Melvin you are a bad GM and you need to do something to make this team better. I didn't sign an 8-year extension to be on a sucky team. Your mustache is stupid and Canadians are afraid of the dark. If you like this shirt it is available for purchase at Remetee.com.|
|Alright, Ryan Braun has apparently never seen a roast before. Thanks a lot Brauny! Our next roaster clearly has pictures of Doug Melvin in a compromising position because his OPS is the 7th worst in the MLB among players with 300+ at-bats. Ladies and gentlemen, give a warm round of applause for Jason Kendall.|
|What can I possibly say about Doug Melvin? He brought me to the only team in the league where I was considered an upgrade. Doug's Canadian and he once told me his favorite catcher was Patrick Roy. After seven years in Milwaukee he still can't figure out what these "roads are all aboot".|
|And what's the deal with that mustache? Did anyone tell him Magnum PI was canceled? In all seriousness, I love you Doug and thank you for continuing to pay me. How about three more years?|
|Thanks J. The only Brewer who never met an animal he wouldn't sacrifice. Our next roaster is the Brewers all time single season RBI king and a vegetarian who is singlehandedly responsible for a national corn shortage, PRINCE FIELDERRRRR!|
|It's nice to see we could get all the A-list Brewers out here tonight. Who's following me, Brad Nelson? Besides Braun and I this place has the starpower of "Celebrity Rehab 4". I haven't seen this many crappy baseball players in one room since the 2001 Texas Rangers team picture.|
|Seriously, you know your GM's roast is bad when the head table has Frank Catalanotto, Craig Counsell and Trevor Hoffman sitting at it with a combined age of 315. Try and stay awake guys, I know it's past 6PM but this thing's almost over. Those guys are so old, I told Craig to act his age once and he started doing cave drawings.|
|The star of the show is, of course, Doug Melvin. What's left to say about the man? When he was in Texas he did more for steroids than BALCO. Between Palmeiro, Caminiti, A-Rod and Juan Gonzalez, that locker room had more back acne in it than Rosie O'Donnell's bed sheets.|
|In all seriousness I love you Doug and I love playing in Milwaukee. Thanks for being smart enough to dump Overbay and put me in. I wish I could re-sign after next year, but I hired Scott Boras as my agent and, well, you know.|
|Our last roaster of the evening is someone who is contractually required to appear in anything with the word roast in it, Jeffrey Ross!|
|Mike Cameron, you know for a steroid user you have a pretty small head. Can you imagine this guy without steroids? I've got three words to describe it "black Scott Podsednik". Here's three more "out of league". This guy drops more balls in center than Lindsay Lohan drops on her chin. Thanks for polishing your head for tonight, Mike.|
|Now Prince Fielder there's a guy with a big head. His dad had a big head too. Chris Benoit was a better father than Cecil Fielder. Prince says he's nothing like his dad, but consider this: they've both hit 50 homeruns and they've both put 50 Chinese buffets out of business. Honestly I love Prince, he has the best tits I've seen on a black guy since New York Goes To Work.|
|Is JJ Hardy here tonight? Oh there he is. I couldn't see him in Alcides Escobar's shadow. Ryan Braun is here. What can I say about Ryan Braun that hasn't already been said about Alex Rodriguez? Love the Remetee buddy. I read recently that Remetee shirts have been on more douchebags than Mischa Barton.|
|Jason Kendall, loved you in American History X.
Anyways, the man of the honor is Doug Melvin and what can I say besides he looks like a gray-haired Borat? He truly is a great GM and built the team that brought the Brewers to their first playoff appearance since 1982. From the people of Milwaukee, thank you.
|When I signed with the Brewers I told them I was going to bring a winner to Milwaukee and with the exception of signing Eric Gagne, I've made the moves to make that a possibility. To all those who think I could have done a better job of building this 2009 team I just want to say: bite me, eh.|