The Matrix is a system designed to keep Ryan Braun off third base

Last night the Brewers fell to the power of the pierogies and lost to the Pittsburgh Pirates. They had their chances, a few leads went by the wayside and in the ninth inning they had Braun on first with nobody out and Prince Fielder at the plate. What happened? Well, Prince Fielder struck out on a high fastball that everyone in the world saw coming except for him and Braun got caught trying to take third on a steal after Andy Laroche did some sort of "Matrix stuff". And that, as they say, was the ballgame. But what exactly happened out there?

Braunie, what the hell happened out there? I'm fighting for my job here man!
Coach, coach you don't understand. I can't explain it. It was like one second he didn't have the ball and the next second he did!
It was a trick play, you gotta keep your head up in those situations. We're on a nine game losing streak!
No, it wasn't a trick play! It was different! It was like... it was like The Matrix man! It's like there was two actually two baseballs and one was in his hand and the other one was... I don't know on his spaceship or something. Or maybe there is no baseball? You ever think of that? Maybe there is only myself?
That's ridiculous.
No skip, you don't understand. There was this guy in the stands in a suit and sunglasses and he was staring me down and I could have sworn I distinctly heard him say "Mr. Braun, we've been looking for you." So I started running towards second to get away from him and suddenly I had a steal.
We gave you the steal sign! That's why you ran to second base!
No, no, no, skip you gotta believe me. Before I even got to bat there was this black guy, I think his name was Morpheus, and he was like "hey you're the One, get a hit and I'll drive you in." And then he was like "eat this red pill." And I was like okay, bro.
His name is Prince Fielder, he's your teammate. He's been your teammate for three years.
So then I hit a homerun, but only got to first (what the heck right?) and that's when this Agent guy was like trying to make me close my mouth and stuff.
So I ran to second base, but when I got there I found that the dude from the stands had turned into Andy Laroche and he had a gun and he was going to shoot me! So I tried to dive out of the way, but then his gun turned into a glove and he tagged me out!
I really need you to take responsibility for this one. I'm getting killed out there, come on just tell the truth to the media. For me.
Alright coach, I'll handle it.

LATER...

So Ryan, what happened in the ninth inning?
"Getting to third base right there wouldn't have done us much good, but I saw an opportunity, he did some Matrix stuff or something, I don't know. He was about to throw the ball back to the pitcher and did a reverse spin. It was a good play by him and a stupid play by me."
The Matrix you say? Tell me more.
You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?
All the time. It's called mescaline, it's the only way to fly.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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