This Week in Witardo: Prince Fielder is a pussy

Because I am insanely jealous that Anthony Witrado has a job working for the Journal Sentinel and I don't, I am going to make fun of him on a regular basis FJM style. It really has nothing to do with his writing I am just a bitter wannabe. Well maybe it has a little bit to do with his writing.

Okay, it's completely due to his writing. Today's story: Fielder uses fear as his fuel

Phoenix — Looking at him, it's far from obvious.

That he's a pussy.

His imposing stature, the tattoos, the snarling looks, the regal name. All those things just act as his mask.

His mask to hide the fact that he is a wuss.

But the fear is immune to those elements and nestles comfortably inside Prince Fielder, ignoring any resistance from his outward machismo and bravado.

Much like a gay man still in the closet.

His psyche is a breeding ground for that fear. It is a constant within the man.

Like his heartbeat, only wussier.

The fear consumes every aspect of his life, and has so from childhood.

That movie Child's Play? Totally freaked him out.

The home run derby champion, the father, the MVP candidate, the husband, the budding superstar, the son. No matter what he is to so many people, Fielder is still incredibly afraid.

Luckily, his wife makes him get out of bed. Otherwise he'd just hide under the covers.

"I have that fear," Fielder said. "I'm scared. I am.

In just a few paragraphs A-dub has done more to emasculate Prince than the book "Skinny Bitch: a no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous!" ever could. Well done.

"My biggest fear (is) I don't want to let my teammates down. I feel like if I don't do my job, they can't do theirs."

Ohhhhhh. Fear is like pressure. I get it.

More exploration into the 268-pound slugger finds the fear runs much, much deeper.

Hey, you know how Prince doesn't eat meat? That's because he's afraid of a cow kicking his ass! A cow! What an idiot!

It is one thing to be afraid of failing on the diamond when the repercussions could be a loss or a less-hefty contract. It's another thing to be afraid for a family's sake.

"That's scary," Fielder said. "I don't want my kids going to school and hearing, 'Hey, your dad sucks.' There's a lot of things that play in my head that I don't want to happen and that makes me always want to do better.

This is also the reason that Anthony Witrado doesn't have any kids. He hears it enough from jealous people like me.

"That's my main (driving force). I mean, I like baseball, but I don't play for myself. I like seeing other people's happiness that comes from that."

Fielder did plenty of that last season when he batted .299, hit 46 home runs, drove in a franchise-record 141 runs and walked a franchise-best 110 times while playing all 162 games. He also was an all-star and won that event's home run derby.

But when Fielder looks in the mirror, he doesn't see a superstar on the rise. Instead, he sees a man doing everything he can to make sure his family is secure, financially and otherwise, and most importantly, together.

That is, if he even looks in the mirror. You know that movie Candyman? Also freaked him out. You see, he's afraid.

Fielder rarely acknowledges his family life beyond his wife, Chanel, and their two sons, Jadyn, 5, and Haven, 3. His father, Cecil, is normally an off-limits topic with him, and his mother, Stacey, rarely comes up in conversation.

Fielder's parents went through a bitter and public divorce in 2004, and partly because of that, Fielder cut his father out of his life. Their family unraveled and Fielder accused his financially strapped father, acting as his agent, of stealing $200,000 of his $2.4 million bonus when he signed with the Brewers.

That unsavory drama, along with other factors, pushed Fielder away from both parents. He elected to focus on his own family, close friends and career. In fact, when asked what last name his mother goes by, Fielder can't answer.

"I don't know, man," Fielder said as he glanced down and cracked an uncomfortable smile. "I don't even know. It's not really like that (with us)."

Why would A-Dub even ask that? "Hey Prince, I know you don't really like to talk about your parents but what's your mom's last name? I'm just curious." What a dick.

Fielder hadn't spoken a public word about his father in nearly three years and hasn't spoken to him even longer. But on the second day after he reported to camp, Fielder acknowledged the ammunition his father, Cecil, provides for him on the field and off.

On it, he pushes to be better than his slugging dad and not just an all-or-nothing masher. Off of it, he strives to be a responsible, caring family man without the debt and financial burdens that helped destroy Fielder's home life as a younger man.

Yes!!!! All the jokes I've been making about Prince's daddy issues have been true! If he says something about being whipped by Chanel this will be the greatest day of my life.

"That has a lot to do with it," Fielder said. "Growing up, you see certain situations happen, and it scared me as a kid. Me having kids now, I don't want that for them. I don't want the family to fall apart because if that happens, it doesn't matter how much you have. I learned that no (amount of) money can fix that.

I think a double cheeseburger could have helped. Or even a triple. It was only $1.69!!!!

"Everybody is just screwed and everything changes. No matter how much better things got for me, it was never what you see with other families.

"I don't want my two boys and my wife to ever go through that. I want my family around me."

God what a pussy, right? He doesn't want to be a deadbeat dad and he wants his family to love him. What else does he want? Magic beans that grow a beanstalk? Take a Prozac and relax, fear boy.

Hang on a second, my obvious statement meter is going crazy right now.

Fielder was noticeably happier and relaxed after signing his current two-year, $18 million contract because he believed no matter what happened beyond that, he knew he could leave his family with financial security. Even though he knows money can only do so much, it was a big weight off Fielder's shoulders.

WHAT!? THIS IS CRAZY! MONEY MAKES PEOPLE FEEL SAFE!? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS!? NO WONDER I AM SINGLE!

"Coming up through the minors and the whole situation with my dad (and his money troubles) was tough for me," Fielder said. "You start thinking, 'Am I going to be in the big leagues long enough to make money?' It got to the point where I didn't feel like waiting anymore."

Fielder's family situation made him appreciate friends on a much deeper level. He treats people around him, sometimes even casual acquaintances, like family members because as Fielder puts it, "I don't have much family right now because of those situations. So whenever I have a friend, we're going to be tight. I want them to be my family.

Am I your friend?
No.
:(

"Unfortunately, the way my life turned out, that's the way things are for me."

Fielder and San Diego Padres outfielder Tony Gwynn Jr., a former Brewer, are best friends. Fielder is godfather to Gwynn's daughter, Makayla, and Gwynn likewise to Jadyn. There are endless stories about how close they are, even dating to their first meeting at Class A Beloit. Without knowing each other, Fielder offered Gwynn a place to live.

Last season, when Gwynn was designated for assignment by Milwaukee during the spring, he retreated to the restroom because he didn't want to cry in front of teammates. Before Gwynn knew it, Fielder was in the bathroom with him, just as emotional.

Because if there is one thing that scared people do well, it's cry.

"That said a lot about him for me," Gwynn said. "Typically there's some type of line that distinguishes family and friends. But in Prince's case, he's my only friend where that line doesn't exist, and I think obviously that has to do with his family situation.

"It's not even a friendship anymore. He's like another family member."

A big, whiny, scared family member.

Those are the people Fielder plays for most of all. He insists he doesn't care what he does as long as his children know "that I played hard and that Daddy did work out there."

If Fielder happens to struggle, his coping skills are getting better in and around the game, leading to fewer busted bats and slammed helmets. However, he admits there still is room for improvement with his wife.

Like, in the boob department?

"I'm getting better at failing and dealing with it at the field," Fielder said. "But I haven't quite got it down at home. My wife takes the brunt of it when I'm grumpy, but she doesn't (play around). She'll tell me, 'You need to take that mess to the bedroom.' "

WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

That grumpiness stems in part from the fear. Everything Fielder does is a product of that beast.

Just when we thought this crap was over, he brings it back. I was actually starting to enjoy this article a little bit.

Fielder is afraid of disappointing the Brewers organization, which is currently struggling with the notion of affording the slugger before he hits free agency after the 2011 season. He is scared to let down his teammates who are looking to him for leadership and to be a middle-of-the-lineup mammoth.

If he thinks this is tough he's in for a rude awakening when he's a Yankee in two years.

Those are the easy obstacles, though.

The more difficult and permanent ones are personal. They are with Chanel and Jadyn and Haven, the people he can't let down.

And they are with Tony Gwynn, Jr, the person he can't help hit.

And they are with his father, who used to bring his young son into his clubhouses and on road trips when they seemed inseparable. Now, that relationship provides a cautionary tale for Fielder, whose biggest fear is not having a warm, loving home to go back to when he takes off the spikes.

Here's a tip to calm your fears, Prince. Don't gamble or steal from your kids. Do that and you're set. You're not your dad.

"With my (non-immediate) family, it is what it is," Fielder said. "But I'm happy right now."

DEFINITION OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY: Spouse, parents and grand parents, children and grand children, brothers and sisters, mother in law and father in law, brothers in law and sisters in law, daughters in law and sons in law. Adopted and step members are also included in immediate family.

Now I'm pretty sure he's not referring to any cousins or aunts or uncles because that wouldn't really make any sense in the context of the article and I doubt that he is referring to his teammates as "my family". Therefore I have to assume that he would be talking about his parents which makes his use of "(non-immediate)" not only pointless, but also incorrect. Well, played A-dub. Well played.

As for you Prince. Well....

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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9 comments on “This Week in Witardo: Prince Fielder is a pussy

  1. Anonymous on said:

    I’s got the fear and it’s a burning fear, most typically when I urinate at Miller Park. Seriously, I’m glad someone else enjoys laughing at Witrado’s rape of the English language as much as I do. The syntax of his writing scrapes me like fingernails across a chalkboard. His 6-paragraph lead is a painless effort to carry forth a metaphor that deserves a sentence or two at best. Witardo has set baseball journalism back a decade in just a year and with another year under his belt he may take it back to the advent of the printing press.

  2. Anonymous on said:

    In my opinion, and I know it pains many of you to hear this, but Witardo is–plain and simple– an affirmative action hire by the WJS to appease its large and growing Hispanic population. How else do explain his hiring when there are so many talented and award-winning journalists working in Wisconsin at some 400-plus daily and weekly newspapers?? Let’s face it, this is what you get when you hire people on the basis of their skin color and heritage rather than their ability.

  3. Anonymous on said:

    What an utterly useless story, written by an utterly useless journalist. Oops, sorry, please make that alleged journalist. Keep knocking him, Vincenzo, the moron deserves every bit of it.

    If Ant’ny is an “affirmative action” hire, his work product shouldn’t surprise anyone. SRD above is correct when he mentions employers hiring decisions need to be based on ability, not heritage. I know a lot of Americans of Hispanic origins who could do a much better job of sportswriting than ol’ Dicky Retardo.

  4. Anonymous on said:

    And now to correct my own lousy writing,….

    “SRD above is correct when he mentions that hiring decisions should be based on ability, not heritage.”

    Then again, I’m not a professional writer, nor do I pretend to be.

  5. trent on said:

    I don’t get it.

  6. Pingback: Miller Park Drunk | The Brewers are former stars of pro wrestling

  7. Pingback: Candyman (1992) Movie Trailer

  8. Anonymous on said:

    Why are you sucking up to him. Do you believe what you are posting or did he pay you to write this. Prince only takes care of himself , no family.But if my children looked so opposite of each other I would hate the world also. Just my observation.

  9. Anonymous on said:

    What the hell is you’re problem why do people keep hating on Prince Fielder….Oh wait I know why it’s because they have N O T H I N G better to do than waist their lives on shit like this.

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