I am nothing if not a people pleaser so when a commenter requested that we do a story about the Brewers being more open to running next year and "what the Brewers are running from?" I had to oblige and present you THE RUNNING SERIES.


I was just a kid.

Playing my first season in America after spending my whole life in the Dominican Republic was quite a culture shock to me. You probably don't realize this because you have spent your whole life here and know things, but apparently there are these things called "toilets" and you are supposed to do your business in them and not in the "mailbox" or the "chiffonier". I mean, how was I supposed to know that? You are also supposed to take the toilet paper you use after doing your business and put it in the "toilet" and not the "dishwasher". Like, seriously man, how the f was I supposed to know that? It took a lot of adjusting when I first got here, but I feel that I caught on quickly and made myself a pretty good life here.

In the minors my host family was great. Mr. and Mrs. Winstonhammer were amazing people and their son, Ronnie was a great friend to me. He taught me a lot about life in America like how to drop this magic liquid into a girl's drink that makes her fall in love with you immediately. (The only side effect is that she forgets why in the morning.) It was like one of your Disney movies and I kissed many beautiful girls on the mouth thanks to his "love potion". He always said I should take things further and "jam my cock in her shithole" as he put it, but never on a first date. People in my country are known for their gentlemanly ways and I planned to keep it that way. The absolute best thing about my time in the minors was the Winstonhammer's daughter, Caroline. I had never seen such a beautiful person in my life. She was always listening to the N-Sync's music and dancing around the house in her shorts. I would have done anything for the love of this beautiful 16 year old girl. I desired her. When her idol, Britney Spears, was doing a concert in New York city and her family wouldn't let her I did the only thing I could think of to make my little princesa happy. I "borrowed" the family's car and drove her to the show. It was the most amazing show I had ever seen as there were many large poles that Britney had trouble climbing and thousands of screaming girls. Hearing Caroline sing the words sing the words "I'm not that innocent" while coldly staring at me set a flutter through my body I have not felt since. That night we shared our first kiss during "E-Mail My Heart" and there have been many nights I stayed up listening to that song thinking about that magical night.

Unfortunately, our first kiss would turn out to be our last. On the ride home I was pulled over and cited with a citation for speeding and driving without a headlight. When we got home Caroline's parents grounded her. It was weird because they always said I was like a son to them and you'd think they'd be happy that their son and daughter were in love. Things are really different in America I guess. A few weeks later, I was promoted to Triple A and I never made my court date. There is a warrant for me in Binghamton, New York because of those tickets and I don't plan on taking care of it because it hurts too much to go back. But Caroline, if you're reading this and you ever had any real feelings for me do me a favor. E-mail my heart and say our love will never die.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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2 comments on “What are you running from, Carlos Gomez?

  1. Anonymous on said:

    Wow! Very nice!

  2. Pingback: Miller Park Drunk | Better Know Your Brewers: The Newcomers

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