Well, you aren't going to believe this but after last night's loss to the Rockies the Brewers have been eliminated from playoff contention. Even if the planes carrying the Dodgers, Cardinals, Rockies and Phillies crash into eachother the Brewers still won't make the playoffs. Sad, I know.
Anyways I just found out that the playoffs still happen if the Brewers don't make it and despite the Brewers not being in contention they will still hold a "World Series". I am interested in this and plan to watch these "playoffs" until their logical conclusion which I assume is called the "championship", I don't know I'm new to this whole baseball thing. I only started watching the Brewers last year. Since the Brewers aren't involved I thought we should figure out who we all want to root for and pretend that we were fans of this team for the next six months until the playoffs end. So let's get down to it.
CANDIDATE: New York Yankees
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: Evil, rich.
CASE FOR: The best team in baseball in 2009 they are the odds on favorite to win the World Series. If you want to choose a team and have them win it all, these are the guys.
CASE AGAINST: The largest payroll in the world, the only team with an ex-boyfriend of Madonna's, big giant stadium that sucks built with taxpayer money despite the team's having more money than God (or the city/state of New York), Derek Jeter will steal your girlfriend, they might have one of their players win the MVP despite the existence of Joe Mauer, jagoff fans, stupid Yankees hats on every douchebag you see, etc, etc. There is a lot to dislike about the New York Yankees and that's before you get to the whole not having a soul part.
BREWER FACTOR: CC Sabathia despite only being a Brewer for a few months is one of our favorite Brewers of all time. Without him last season wouldn't have happened and I'd love to see him get the elusive World Series title.
CANDIDATE: Boston Red Sox
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: Annoying, rich.
CASE FOR: Despite having a huge payroll, the Red Sox have done a fine job of developing their own talent which is always nice to see. The team sports a lot of likable players like Victor Martinez, Jason Varitek, Dustin Pedroia and Jacoby Elsbury. As a fan of the book Moneyball, I can't help but love Kevin Youkilis and his super goofy batting stance. Could probably consider them an underdog which is insane to do when their payroll is $122m.
CASE AGAINST: Did I mention their $122m payroll? It's not like we are rooting for the Marlins here kids. The Red Sox do a great job of making money, but they do it in a bad way. Pink hats? Pink hats!? Come on! Jacoby Elsbury will also steal your girlfriend.
BREWER FACTOR: Manager Terry Francona is a former Brewer and boy did he suck posting a .577 OPS as a 1B/DH/OF (!) in 89 games in 1989. He actually pitched an inning in a game that season as well. Apparently became friends with Dale Sveum who he later employed as a coach with the Red Sox.
CANDIDATE: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: Long, stupid name. Disney.
CASE FOR: The Nick Adenhart story is a pretty good one. Not only did they lose one of their good starters (something we suffered the consequences), but they lost him FOR LIFE. It's sad when people die and the Angels have done an amazing job of honoring his memory. Giving his family a World Series ring this season would be a fitting end to a nice story. Also, Kendry Morales and I share a last name making him the only player in the MLB whose jersey I could wear and not look like a d-bag for having my own name on it.
CASE AGAINST: Again, this ain't the Marlins. The Angels are sixth in the league in MLB payrolls and currently pay Gary Mathews Jr $10m/season to do not much of anything. Their obsession with small-ball can easily blow up in their face as it has in the playoffs many times before. I am not convinced they can beat the Red Sox so is it worth it getting behind them when they might be eliminated in one round? And I'm pretty sure Rex Hudler is a douchebag.
BREWER FACTOR: John Lackey is a guy that sports writers and talk radio guys will say the Brewers should go after this offseason despite the fact that they can't really afford to pay him what he's going to ask for.
CANDIDATE: Detroit Tigers
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: From Detroit, Detroit sucks.
CASE FOR: Their manager smokes! Cigarettes! In this economy! Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander are really good and could be enough to sneak up on some teams. Watch out for these guys, the Yankees are rooting for the Twins. Trust me.
CASE AGAINST: They are from Detroit. Do I need to elaborate here? They beat the crap out of us in interleague play. Rookie Rick Porcello's name is actually Frederick which is just weird if you ask me.
BREWER FACTOR: Jarrod Washburn is from Wisconsin and Doug Melvin said he regretted not trading for him at the deadline (which is weird because his ERA was 7.33 after the trade). He could be a Brewer next season.
(Skipping the Twins. They aren't coming back.)
CANDIDATE: Philadelphia Phillies
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: Fans are crazy, assholes.
CASE FOR: A couple of my friends are big Phillies fans. It would be pretty cool to see a team repeat in this day and age and they have the lineup and rotation to do it. Few teams can match the one-two punch of Hamels and Lee. This team is fun to watch because they just hit BOMBS. The Yankees may have hit more homeruns, but these guys hit them further. I truly believe that. Chase Utley is pretty cool because that one time they won the World Series he said the f-word. Plus, if they win there is a good chance we will get another video like this which would be awesome because I LOVE this video.
CASE AGAINST: A couple of my friends are big Phillies fans. The people of Philadelphia literally are assholes, it's not just a clever marketing scheme. I went there once and I'll probably never go back they were such dicks. I mean excuse me for never ordering a Philly Cheesesteak before sorry I don't know the proper etiquette for such things. Here's a not so bold prediction: Brad Lidge will give up a homerun in the playoffs. Call it a hunch. It could cost them a game, it could cost them a series. He sucks.
BREWER FACTOR: Well, they released Geoff Jenkins so that's out of the question. How about Matt Stairs who hit 16 homeruns for the Crew back in 2002 in only 207 ABs? Gotta love a big fat guy who hits homeruns. At least that's what I tell the girls when they watch me play softball, hey-yo!
CANDIDATE: Colorado Rockies
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: Purple uniforms, altitude.
CASE FOR: I see a lot of the Brewers in the Rockies. The fans care more about the local football team than the local baseball team, even if one is better than the other. Lower payroll with lots of homegrown talent. Like the Brewers they kind of patched their pitching staff together, unlike the Brewers it worked. These guys are the true underdogs in the baseball playoffs. Most people can't even name three Rockies and you'd have to think them making another World Series would make Fox upset, which is always nice.
CASE AGAINST: Can you really see these guys winning the World Series? Really? Jason Marquis does not strike fear into the Yankees lineup. In fact they probably lick their lips at the thought of it. At some point this train has to end. Also, Roxtober.
BREWER FACTOR: Jorge De La Rosa has won 16 games for them this season. 16! His best season as a Brewer was a 4.47 ERA as a reliever (his worst was 8.60). Now he's winning 16 games.
(I say they hold onto this spot. There's only five games left and they are three games up. One more win and that about does it.)
CANDIDATE: Los Angeles Dodgers
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: Rich, superficial, lackadaisical fanbase.
CASE FOR: These guys definitely have a shot. I think Matt Kemp is awesome and where would The Dugout (and humanity) be without the Dodgers? Speaking of the The Dugout, they also have one of my favorites and the true star of The Dugout JI, JIM THOME. Steroids or no, Manny Ramirez is a pretty awesome hitter. Their rotation could be considered shaky, but Billingsley and Kershaw seem like they could be the kind of guys who get hot and dominate. Especially Kershaw.
CASE AGAINST: Their ace might be Randy Wolf which is something you'd expect to hear about the Royals, not a World Series contender. I could easily see Dodger Stadium get taken over by all the Yankees and Red Sox fans forced to live in Los Angeles. There will be 150o celebrities from FOX TV shows hanging in the stands, including that guy from Fringe which I find annoying. Hating Los Angeles is a cool thing to do.
BREWER FACTOR: Guillermo Mota. Not only was he apart of last season's Brewers, Prince tried to kill him earlier this season which is always nice.
CANDIDATE: St. Louis Cardinals
DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC: Albert Pujols.
CASE FOR: Albert Pujols.
CASE AGAINST: Really?
BREWER FACTOR: They beat us in our one and only World Series appearance.