A lot of people ask me why we don't update the site as regularly as we used to. Sometimes there will be a post for every day of the week and other times a whole week will go by with nothing. Are we tired of doing the site? Are you too busy? Are we lazy? The truth is that we (why do I always do that? Everyone knows it's only me, but I still call it we all the time. Stupid deadspin.), I don't like to write stuff unless *I* think that it's good. Unless I was the reader and I would enjoy reading it. Sometimes this means that we go a week or more without anything and sometimes that last thing that went up wasn't that good. It's just the way it is. Luckily, I have the luxury to do that because I own my own site and I do this mainly as a hobby. Other people are not so lucky and have to post, whether they feel inclined or not. Luckily for them, they can just post the news and don't really need to be "creative" in their writing. We don't do the news, therefore we can get away with posting sporadically. That's a good rule, I think. People who do the news, should do the news and do it often. People who do the more creative stuff, should do creative stuff and take their time. The problem becomes when the news people try to do the creative stuff because most of the time it doesn't turn out well. Like David Caruso trying to act in movies or Corey Hart trying to pull out.
Take for instance this "poem" by KLSnow of Brew Crew Ball. Now, I like KL Snow. I'm his friend on facebook (not that I've ever commented on anything he posts (I don't really know and/or care about macaroni and cheese recipes or his wiener dog, but that's nothing personal against him. Just the way it is.) and since our inception he has given us a lot of link love (almost 9500 to date), but that poem is bad. Really bad. An EPIC FAIL as the kids would say. Let's read it again, FJM style:
We're all here today to say farewell to this guy
Who helped the Brewers win the Wild Card, and raised that belt to the sky.
I'd prefer if it went "who used twitter and couldn't spell out 'why'", but maybe that's just me.
He was salvaged from the Rays, where he was too fond of the free pass.
But during his time in Milwaukee, his relief work was first class.
Except for last season when his strikeouts to walk ratio was almost even and the team showed no interest in re-signing him. Other than that? First class.
We followed his exploits and thoughts via Twitter,
At times they were fun, other times angry or bitter.
And one time he mentioned me by my first name! (I would link to it, but he deleted his twitter.)
I think he wanted to say this the other way around, but couldn't think of a fun word to rhyme with twitter.
His use or misuse exposed a Ken Macha flaw,
But at least he gave us a nickname: he calls Macha "grandpaw."
Ah, the old classic "it's the manager's fault" excuse. Clearly, it was Macha's fault the night McClung gave up seven runs and three home runs to the Cubs. Total misuse by the manager! Fire Ken Macha!
We started a group on Facebook, hoping to keep him around.
We even gave away some stuff he shipped via UPS Ground.
True story: Seth said he was really honnered by the memorey of his time in Milwaukee. (Again with the twitter deletion, just trust me on this one.)
He really spelled it like that. Seriously.
Possibly true story: The UPS label on the package was written in crayon and the Ks were backwards.
Alas, our efforts weren't enough to keep Clung on the team.
With Vargas and Hawkins, the pen might burst at a seam.
Or be good. One or the other.
What does "burst a seam" even mean? Is he implying that there are now too many guys in it? Because that's not really true. We just signed a guy named Marco Estrada who sounds more like a Hispanic rape suspect on SVU than anything.
But it's not all bad news, at least to some perceivers:
In 2010, no one will confuse our two red-headed relievers.
/taps self on chin
"What rhymes with relievers?"
Hmmmmm..... retrievers... beavers... cleavers? No. Stevers? No, that's not a real word. Is it? Can't be. Perceivers?! YES!!!
(BTW, this never happened. One shaved his head, was overweight, ran from the bullpen and pitched well. The other was tall, worked really slow and looked like the guy from the Hemi commercials (who, in his own fantasy, is in the passenger seat, what???). Big difference.)
Pitching for the Marlins will keep him closer to home
And if he sticks long enough, he'll get to pitch in their new dome.
Odds of this happening: 1%.
So, even if it's a moment many have come to dread,
It's time to say farewell, and good luck, to our friend Big Red.
Does Jeff Foxworthy have a new show or something? "Can You Write Poetry As If You Were a Third Grader?"
I mean, I get it. I guess. I have a favorite player too that isn't on the team anymore. It's sad. I'll miss him. Only my favorite player that isn't on the team anymore wasn't an average l0ng reliever. (Mine was, you know, a starting centerfield with an 800 OPS.) I liked Seth McClung too, but honestly, who cares? Someone else can come in and walk people. It's not that big of deal. Not only is he a reliever, he's a Ginger reliever and if time has taught us anything it's that those people have no souls. This man is not worthy of your poetry!
Now, we admit that sometimes we don't know what we're talking about. Maybe guys like McClung are exactly what we should be writing about. Maybe what this site is missing is posts exactly like the one I discussed above. I've been wrong before, I can admit it. Do you think you'd really be happier to read posts like that here? If you think that's what will make you happy I'll do it. Just remember, you asked for it.
The spring winds blow south to Florida, but not before she makes love to a shooting star: A Seth McClung Tribute by Miller Park Drunk
The winds blow softly like they always do,
Treating dew drops like spaceships and snowflakes like tears,
He wonders where his life has gone over these years.
Signing with the Marlins like a forgotten sailor,
Dreaming of the mermaid girl he tried to nail her.
Perfect space in a world so dark,
He'll be lucky if the news of his signing shows up on Fark.
Chinese food for dinner again,
He wonders if the owner takes yen,
Yen for his food, yen for being rude,
Yen for the dude on his old team who was rude.
The elevator stops on the 13th floor of heaven,
The place where gingers go to wash their hair,
"Life isn't fair" they'll say,
As he grabs another hot dog from 7-11.
As time goes by and the season begins,
I'll think of him as I go to sleep.
After brushing my teeth but before beating off,
I'll wonder what happened to the man with the mop.
And he'll come to me like a shooting star,
Whispering the words we all wish to hear,
McClung, McClung, McClung....