Witrado’s Quest 3
The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.
In part one Anthony learned that his fellow writers at the Journal Sentinel were not fans of his. In part two convinced that they were the only ones, Anthony set off to find someone who liked him at Miller Park only to be met with more failure and a cross-dressing Doug Melvin. Blaming the state of Wisconsin instead of his own shortcomings, Anthony headed back to his home in California where his favorite team was playing a meaningful game.
INT - DODGER STADIUM, LOS ANGELES - Friday, October 16th
Trailing 1-0 the Dodgers are in the midst of a rally getting the first two men on in the bottom of the 8th inning.
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ADub: so then i was like yo i'll dislocate yo modifier bitch and tom was all scared and shit and twatted about it or sumthin |
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DavidFaustino: Jesus, would you shut up? There's a game going on right now. |
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ADub: shit dude i watch baseball for my job i kno whats gonna happen. let me tell ya what the brewers coach kent said to me. |
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DavidFaustino: What's going to happen then, Mr. Douche-It-All? |
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ADub: this dude is gonna draw a walk and then manny gonna come up and hit a grand slam. dodgers 4. phillies 1. |
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DavidFaustino: Manny isn't even up for another six batters. |
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Russell Martin hits a grounder to third setting up a routine double play, but there is an ERROR by Chase Utley who throws the ball way off the bag and a run scores to tie the game! The crowd goes crazy! |
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ADub: waoh sweet. hey bro hi five! |
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DavidFaustino: Sorry I have to get back to work. Are you going to buy some peanuts or not? |
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ADub: nah |
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Jim Thome, pinch hitting for Kuo, ropes a single to right and Martin advances to third! |
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/texts someone |
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Furcal walks to load the bases with just one out! |
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/gets up to go to the bathroom |
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Matt Kemp has struck out! |
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ADub: shit i best get down to the clubhouse for the press conference, this games almost done dog. |
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AlfonsoRibeiro: Pardon me sir, am I the gentlemen you are referring to as "dog"? |
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ADub: naw man stfu |
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AlfonsoRibeiro: Well, someone has his rude hat on tonight. |
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Andre Ethier has drawn a bases loaded walk and the Dodgers lead 2-1! |
ONE HOUR LATER IN THE DODGERS CLUBHOUSE... |
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JoeTorre: He laid off it looked like some tough pitches away, and at 3-and-2 it’s tough when your mentality is swing, swing, swing to take a pitch, and it was huge.
Okay, next question. You there in the FUBU shirt. |
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ADub: yo joe anthony the truth witrado from the milwaukee jizz sent. what it be homie? |
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JoeTorre: I'm sorry are you a journalist? A reporter? A blogger? You're dressed like you're going to an eigth grade dance. |
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ADub: ya ya i write about the brewers. look great win today, dodger love baybee but i just wants to asks you if you read my stuff when the dodgers played in milwaukee and what you thought of it. |
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JoeTorre: My team just tied the National League Championship Series at one game apiece and you want to ask me what I think of your writing? Is this really happening? |
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ADub: fo sho, fo sho. see in wisconsan people be thinkin ima joke and shit and i knew out here in cali i'd be appreciated na mean. |
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JoeTorre: Alright. Well, you know how sometimes teams in sports get a newspaper clipping from the local paper and use that as motivation to play especially hard in the upcoming game or series? |
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ADub: ya ya fo sho. yall do that wif my stuff? |
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JoeTorre: No, actually Milwaukee is the only city we visit where the players have specific instructions not to read your paper. Last season Andruw Jones read your season preview and posted a .505 OPS. Brad Penny read the paper once and started to demand we all call him Lizard. |
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ADub: oh come on man thats f'd up |
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JoeTorre: F'd up? Try watching Greg Maddux, a Hall of Fame pitcher, smash his own glasses after reading your paper then make a milkshake out of them. That's messed up. Try having Hiroki Kuroda's interpreter get hooked on meth and start offering you discounts BJs because he couldn't properly translate your grammar mistakes. That's f'd up. |
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BillPlaschkeLATimes: I once heard Jeff Kent say something racist and/or offensive on the very same day he read your paper! |
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JoeTorre: You could say that about every city we played in. You're not helping, Bill. |
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ADub: yo kno kanye west was write when he said "maybe my skins not right" yall just hate on me bc i aint white like you. ur all livin in the straight up past, i dont need this. witrado out. |
| Anthony Witrado has left the press conference. | |
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JoeTorre: Or maybe it has nothing to do with the color of his skin, what school he went to or anything else. Maybe he just sucks. |
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BillPlaschkeLATimes: Yeah sucks BALLS! BIG ONES! |
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JoeTorre: Bill, again with the not helping. |
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BillPlaschkeLATimes: Sorry master. |
It seems Witrado is hated as much in Cali as he is in Wisco. Where will he go from here? Find out on the next Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event!
8 Responses to “Witrado’s Quest 3”
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Miller Park Drunk, Adam Schlosser. Adam Schlosser said: Witrado's Quest 3 | Miller Park Drunk: ADub: ya ya i write about the brewers. look great win today, dodger .. http://bit.ly/2EXc57 [...]
i bet witardo has some lovers in san fransissyco
David Faustino selling peanuts was great. I loved the obscure references.
The only reason Chase threw that ball away was he was trying to hit A-dub.
It has to be extremely slow if we all care about A-dub’s journey to finally realise he’s a shitty writer, but keep it up MPD maybe hell read it and quit so we can get an actually reporter for the crew
It has to be extremely slow if we all care about A-dub’s journey to finally realise he’s a shitty writer, but keep it up MPD maybe he’ll read it and quit so we can get an actually reporter for the crew
[...] who liked him at Miller Park only to be met with more failure and a cross-dressing Doug Melvin. In part three Anthony blamed the state of Wisconsin instead of his own shortcomings and headed back to his home [...]
I’m reading Witrado’s voice as Seth Green’s character from “Can’t Hardly Wait” and it’s darn near perfect.