The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.
INT - Journal Sentinel Headquarters, Milwaukee, WI
The Brewers news staff is gathered to discuss offseason plans. Their 2009 team rankings have posted and they are all gearing up for a long offseason with each going their separate ways.
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TomH: Hey check this out guys, Seth McClung tweeted about our grades! |
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ADub: Fo real? What it say? |
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MikeHunt: What DID it say, Anthony. |
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TomH: "A D+ Grade? That must have been a Wittardo grade" |
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MikeHunt: lol |
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ADub: lolwtf who he think he is brandon looper or sumthin? |
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MikeHunt: Who DOES he think he is, Anthony. And according to the internet's ERA+ statistic McClung was more valuable than Looper or Villanueva, both of whom you gave higher grades to. |
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TomH: The internet is as stupid as baseball. You know what I hate about baseball? The games take four hours, the season takes three years and the playoffs take another year after that. I'm glad the Brewers didn't make the playoffs, I would have blown my brains out if I had to watch another game. |
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ADub: it don't matter he's just a stoopid baseball player. who cares what he thinks? |
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MikeHunt: It DOESN'T matter, Anthony. |
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ADub: why you always be doin that shit? |
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MikeHunt: Why do I always be doing what shit, Anthony? Correcting your grammar? |
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ADub: ya |
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MikeHunt: Proper grammar is the lifeblood of our society Anthony. A person needs to use proper grammar so their point can be understood and not misconstrued in any way. Dislocated modifiers and mangled syntax obscure your meaning and can destroy your credibility. |
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ADub: yea, but writing like a librarian takes away my creative voice. i gotta be me, ya kno? that's why i wear my hat this way, thats why i wear an affliction shirt, thats why ima get a barb wire tat. it lets you know who i be. i aint no punk, i'll mangle my sintagbad if i wanna. |
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MikeHunt: Christ, just forget I ever said anything. |
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ADub: dats what i thought, bitch.
fo real doh, whats big heads prob? |
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TomH: Besides having to play a sport that sucks my life away, that causes me to carry a handgun in my suitcase? I'd say he's upset by the fact that he's in a contract year, he suffered injuries and then we wrote that he barely "passed" what we consider to be adequate even though we are unqualified to judge a cat talent show. |
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ADub: ya so he's just stoopid rite? if he knew ne thing about baseball he'd kno he sucked and deserved a d+. he aint got no reason to say that. everyone likes me. |
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MikeHunt: I don't. |
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ADub: go read a book nerd.
tom, tell this bookworm. you like me rite? |
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TomH: Let me put it this way Tony. Before you got hired I didn't try to kill myself until mid-August. Now? Pitchers and catchers might as well be called alcohol and pills because that's what I ingest the first time I see you at spring training. |
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ADub: whatever, y'all are just haterz. that red headed stepson is the only brewer who aint down with adub. you 3 are the only ones in mke who aint. remember trenni? i hit that, did you hit that? didn't think so. |
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MikeHunt: Actually, I did. |
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TomH: I did too and I know that you didn't. She told me you tried, but you started crying and calling her a bitch when you got turned down. |
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ADub: whatev, i'll show you fools. i'll show all y'all. anthony the truth witrado is a balla! when i get back ima dislocate both y'alls modifiers.
witrado out! |
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Anthony Witrado has left JSOnline HQ.
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MikeHunt: God, what a tool that guy is. See you next season, Tom. |
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TomH: There's going to be a next season?
/hangs himself |
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR PART TWO!!!
Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.
You left out the part where adub rubs in the fact that the Dodgers are still in the race.
It’s a multi-part story!
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Nice stuff.
Pingback: Witrado’s Quest Part 2 | Miller Park Drunk
Oh man, classic. Love it.
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