The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.

INT - Journal Sentinel Headquarters, Milwaukee, WI

The Brewers news staff is gathered to discuss offseason plans. Their 2009 team rankings have posted and they are all gearing up for a long offseason with each going their separate ways.

tom haudricourt TomH: Hey check this out guys, Seth McClung tweeted about our grades!
adub ADub: Fo real? What it say?
michael hunt MikeHunt: What DID it say, Anthony.
tom haudricourt TomH: "A D+ Grade? That must have been a Wittardo grade"
michael hunt MikeHunt: lol
adub ADub: lolwtf who he think he is brandon looper or sumthin?
michael hunt MikeHunt: Who DOES he think he is, Anthony.
And according to the internet's ERA+ statistic McClung was more valuable than Looper or Villanueva, both of whom you gave higher grades to.
tom haudricourt TomH: The internet is as stupid as baseball. You know what I hate about baseball? The games take four hours, the season takes three years and the playoffs take another year after that. I'm glad the Brewers didn't make the playoffs, I would have blown my brains out if I had to watch another game.
adub ADub: it don't matter he's just a stoopid baseball player. who cares what he thinks?
michael hunt MikeHunt: It DOESN'T matter, Anthony.
adub ADub: why you always be doin that shit?
michael hunt MikeHunt: Why do I always be doing what shit, Anthony? Correcting your grammar?
adub ADub: ya
michael hunt MikeHunt: Proper grammar is the lifeblood of our society Anthony. A person needs to use proper grammar so their point can be understood and not misconstrued in any way. Dislocated modifiers and mangled syntax obscure your meaning and can destroy your credibility.
adub ADub: yea, but writing like a librarian takes away my creative voice. i gotta be me, ya kno? that's why i wear my hat this way, thats why i wear an affliction shirt, thats why ima get a barb wire tat. it lets you know who i be. i aint no punk, i'll mangle my sintagbad if i wanna.
michael hunt MikeHunt: Christ, just forget I ever said anything.
adub ADub: dats what i thought, bitch.

fo real doh, whats big heads prob?

tom haudricourt TomH: Besides having to play a sport that sucks my life away, that causes me to carry a handgun in my suitcase? I'd say he's upset by the fact that he's in a contract year, he suffered injuries and then we wrote that he barely "passed" what we consider to be adequate even though we are unqualified to judge a cat talent show.
adub ADub: ya so he's just stoopid rite? if he knew ne thing about baseball he'd kno he sucked and deserved a d+.  he aint got no reason to say that. everyone likes me.
michael hunt MikeHunt: I don't.
adub ADub: go read a book nerd.

tom, tell this bookworm. you like me rite?

tom haudricourt TomH: Let me put it this way Tony. Before you got hired I didn't try to kill myself until mid-August. Now? Pitchers and catchers might as well be called alcohol and pills because that's what I ingest the first time I see you at spring training.
adub ADub: whatever, y'all are just haterz. that red headed stepson is the only brewer who aint down with adub. you 3 are the only ones in mke who aint. remember trenni? i hit that, did you hit that? didn't think so.
michael hunt MikeHunt: Actually, I did.
tom haudricourt TomH: I did too and I know that you didn't. She told me you tried, but you started crying and calling her a bitch when you got turned down.
adub ADub: whatev, i'll show you fools. i'll show all y'all. anthony the truth witrado is a balla! when i get back ima dislocate both y'alls modifiers.

witrado out!

Anthony Witrado has left JSOnline HQ.

michael hunt MikeHunt: God, what a tool that guy is. See you next season, Tom.
tom haudricourt TomH: There's going to be a next season?

/hangs himself


Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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7 comments on “Witrado’s Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event

  1. Anonymous on said:

    You left out the part where adub rubs in the fact that the Dodgers are still in the race.

  2. Miller Park Drunk on said:

    It’s a multi-part story!

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention Witrado’s Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event | Miller Park Drunk --

  4. Anonymous on said:

    Nice stuff.

  5. Pingback: Witrado’s Quest Part 2 | Miller Park Drunk

  6. Anonymous on said:

    Oh man, classic. Love it.

  7. Pingback: Witrado’s Quest: The Final Act | Miller Park Drunk

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